Aaliyah has been taken to the hospital because of a high fever. We're not sure what's wrong with her, but she may be transferred to another hospital. Please pray for her. I'll update tomorrow with any news.

Update: Last night Aaliyah's temperature was 106* but it finally came down. However, the doctors/nurses still don't know what's wrong with her. She hadn't been eating and would scream every time she was put down. Her chest X-rays and urine and blood samples all came back fine. Although they had a hard time finding veins in her arm, so they drew blood from her forehead.

Aaron said the nurse tried 10 times to find a vein, despite how much pain she was causing Aaliyah. She also admitted to Aaron that they were supposed to stop after two tries. So they got some "specialist" to try and find a vein, and Aaliyah was screaming so much that Nikki went into the room to find out what was going on. The guy yelled at her to get the hell out of the room and walk further away from the room so she couldn't hear the screaming. Yeah, that sounds like great care to me.

Anyway, the temp is down and she's eating a little more, so that's good. That's as much info as I've received. Continued prayers would be appreciated.

Waiting on the world to change...

Wait a minute... What's this on the cover of my brand new issue of Rolling Stone? No, not Justin Timberlake. No, not how Bush is an idiot. There...right there. See it? JOHN MAYER: Rock's Hot Soul Man

That's right. Take that, bitches.

Conversations

Jersey: Watch Hungabungas?
Me: What?
Jersey: Watch Hungabungas?
Me: Um. What?
Jersey: Watch Hungabungas!
Me: Hunga? Bungas?
Jersey: Okay! *gets excited*
Me: (to Amanda) What the heck does she want?
Manda: She wants to watch Pocahontas.

Driving from McDonald's after Cara stopped to get Tyler a Happy Meal.
Tyler: Look at my toy!
Me: Yeah, cool.
Cara: Are you even gonna eat your Happy Meal?
Tyler: Yes.
Cara: Can I have some of your cheeseburger?
Tyler: Okay. *he hands it over*
Several bites later...
Me: Hey! I thought you were gonna eat some, not all!
Tyler: MOM! Give me back my cheeseburger!!
Cara: Fine. Here ya go. *gives back half*
Tyler: *starts crying* MOM! You stupid!!
Me: *turn quickly away so he doesn't see me laughing*
Cara: You said I could have half.
Tyler: *still crying* No, I didn't! You stupid! You liar! You cheater!
Cara: *laughing* Sorry!
Tyler: You stupid muncher!
Me: Yeah, you stupid muncher.

On the phone with Kristen:
Kristen: Hey, did you hear that Scott Speedman is dating Heather Graham?
Me: What?? Ugh. How dumb. Why can't he date a hot, smart girl? Like Scarlett Johansson?
Kristen: Mmmm... That's my fantasy couple.
Me: *laughing* You wouldn't know who to be jealous of.
Kristen: I'd ask to join in.

What a Girl Wants, Part 2

Total Bitch lip gloss in the color Sheer Madness. $12

Barbie Cameo Ring by Tarina Tarantino. $63
P.S. There are tons of Hello, Kitty! items on this web site for those of you who adore that sort of thing. Kristen.

Stacey G Gold Buddha Necklace, 17" in coral. $114

Tarina Tarantino Skull Heart Necklace. Crystal embellished enameled heart and skull pendant on 18" adjustable chain. $112

Bormio Makeup Bag in black, made of corduroy and features a section of embroidered zinnia in green, white, and black. Scalloped leather edge. $46

Makins Hats Ltd. Sage fur felt bubble cloche outlined in hunter soutache braid, button top and side loop trim. Colors: sage, black, berry, lt. gray, tan, salmon, turquoise, khaki, marine blue. $295

The lovely Jersey is wearing a denim knee-length dress with yellow straps and an embroidered flower on the front. She's eating shark snacks, and yes, she is wearing one pink glove.










Miss Jersey, being a monster. She's growling at you.












Here is Aaliyah, just a few days old. The pretty pink blanket is from moi.









Same cute baby, different angle.

What a girl wants...

Best. Perfume. Ever. Want it.







I'm So Sexy Lip Gloss. Obviously, I want it.








Tramp Lamp. Need it. Want it.









Yeeesss.... Want it.







Robot earrings. So cool. Want it.




Checkbook cover. Want it.








Pier One. Delicious. Want it.

"Well, I was mauled by a cougar, I didn't learn nothin' but racecar drivin', and my Crystal Gayle T-shirt is ruined."

The weekend was a blur of Will Ferrell quotes, road rage, and gagging.

Where to start... Let's see... Krista arrived first and visited me at the library, where I pointed out that Tony's dad was there. I think he knew who I was, but neither of us acknowledged the other.

Then Kristen arrived, and we headed to Nikki's to see Aaliyah. (I promise, pictures soon. Today Blogger was being stupid.) So they both got to hold her. Then we rushed off for some delicious drive-in food before a brisk walk (well, brisk for Kristen, with Krista and I slowly following). And...then we got some bakery goods. On our way home, I got to point out the cute Heath Ledger-type boy, and he waved at me. *blush* Anyway, we ended the night watching Dirty Dancing and Superstar. After Kristen made fun of Dirty Dancing throughout the entire movie, she goes, "I liked it! I think I'll buy it!" Oh, and Kristen had a bit of trouble with one of her bakery items. See her for details. Then point and laugh. Oh! And I also offered them cheese and crappers. Yes, I said crappers instead of crackers. *sigh*

Saturday morning, Krista broke my grandpa's recliner. hahahahahaha It was stinking hilarious. It wasn't really her fault. We'd known for quite a while that the back was gonna go, and it just happened to be Krista who granted us the priviledge of watching someone scream as the chair back fell off.

Then, Gagging: Part 1. I was eating some frosted shredded wheat, from a brand new box, when all of a sudden I tasted something nasty. I spit it out into the bowl, and whatever it was, was bright green-yellow and mushy. It looked like shit. I kept spitting yellow slimy stuff, and ran to the bathroom, heaving and gagging over the toilet. I can't even think of the cereal without involuntarily gagging. Disgusting. I will never, ever eat shredded wheat again. Ever. In my life. Ever. Eeeevvveeerrrr.

Later, after Kristen finally woke up, we walked to a few shops around town, stopping in at a coffee shop for breakfast. I enjoyed a wild berry fruit-tea smoothie blast with two cappuccino creme wafers. Mmm... We stopped at a shop that reeked of body odor, where I got Jersey a little beanie baby doll. She loves it, by the way. Then off to Eau Claire for fabulous shopping. And by fabulous, I mean I got a bottle of shocking magenta nail polish with a skull on the front, a bottle of 3-in-1 shower gel, shampoo, and bubble bath from Bath and Body Works, and a button that says "I *heart* being awesome." It's true. I really do.

Lunch at Garfield's in the mall (Redlaw and I ate there when she visited, too!), dinner at Taco Bell. Talladega Nights in between. Pretty funny movie, despite the clips of humiliating the elderly and an overly long kiss between Will Ferrell and Ali G. Movie quote: "The room is spinning! I'm getting dizzy from all the gayness!"

We did have one incident of road rage. Some guy on a motorcycle pulled out in front of us and was driving really slowly. He started to turn but didn't use his blinker or do a hand signal. Kristen let out several short blasts of her horn. The guy turned and stared Kristen down as she yelled, "Blinker! Blinker! Yeah, use your blinker!" Then he flipped her off. Luckily, it ended there.

Sunday morning, Gagging: Part 2. Kristen walked out of the bathroom with a disgusted look on her face. She says to me, "Remember your shredded wheat incident?" I gagged and nodded. She holds out the plastic cap to her travel toothbrush. It was filled with mold. Then she said, "And I already brushed my teeth!" Yuuuuuck.

So we went to Target to lovingly spend our money. I purchased Underworld and Underworld: Evolution. Mmmm.... Scott Speedman.... *drool* We also returned to the mall for lunch (I know that you need to know where we ate...it's very important). Kristen and I both had Arby's (I got the delicious roast beef meal, she got a salad.), and Krista had Subway. She got...er...a sub.

After a bit more shopping, we were forced to part ways. *sigh* Such sweet sorrow and all that. You know how it is. I spent the rest of the night napping through my Scrubs dvd (disc 1) and flipping between the Emmys and HGTV's Design Star.

"Nobody leaves this place without singin' the blues."

Today is my grandmother's birthday. I had a flower arrangement delivered to the house this morning. They're really pretty, light and dark pinks in a coral pink vase. I think she was a little disappointed, though, that they weren't from one of her kids instead.

Today a book was returned to the library, and the cover was hilarious. Although, probably only Krista will understand why. The cover picture was the inside of a room. In one corner was a wheelchair, and outside the window was a bird. The title of the book was "Petey." So. Freaking. Funny.

Last night Amanda was playing patty cake with Jersey, who wasn't really feeling well but insisted on playing. So Manda was holding on to Jersey's hands and making her do the gestures as she sang the song. She must have accidentally twisted Jerz's wrist or something, because Jersey started crying.
Manda: *kissing both of Jersey's hands and trying to soothe her* Whassa matter, Werz? Did you burn yourself on the patty cake oven?
Jerz: *sniffling, but feeling better* Do patty cake.
Manda: No. It's too dangerous.

I laughed till I cried.

And what's with these random guys from high school showing up and looking cute? It's seriously weirding me out. And I can't mention their names cuz Nicole will think I'm nuts. Unless she's currently having her baby. Nic? Are you still preggers or do you have a wee one finally? Anyway. The boy today was a year younger than me, but he remembered me. I never would have been attracted to him in high school, but now he has this Heath Ledger from "Brokeback Mountain" thing going on. Minus the homosexuality, of course. But you know, rugged, blondish, quiet manliness. Seriously. It has disturbed me.

Also, these boys are showing up only on the days I'm at my less fabulous (if you can believe it...haha). It's the Farmburger Conundrum all over again. Farmburger was the nickname we gave Krista's crush in college, for a more innocent reason than that he was meaty. Krista loved studying in the library because Farmburger normally showed up there. At one point, though, he rarely came at all. We had decided to go study at the library, but Krista was dressed in pajamas--too big flannel shirt and non-matching pants. She knew that Farmburger would not be in the library if she changed clothes and did her hair. She also knew that if she didn't do her hair or change her clothes, she'd inevitably run into the manly Farmburger. And since she'd rather see him than not, she went to the library in her pajamas and bed-head. Of course, there was Farmburger.

That's how I've been feeling these days at work. Do my hair nicely or put it in a pony tail? Put it in a pony tail, and here comes a hot boy. Have a face break-out, and here comes a hot boy. Take a bite of lunch and have Ramen noodles hanging down my chin, and here comes a hot boy.

Anyway, Krista and Kristen are coming to visit me this weekend, so it should be pretty fun. We're planning on drive-in food, window shopping, and Talladega Nights.

Ooooohhh.... Mommy like.... And by mommy, I mean me.

101'd!

So, I know most of you think that I'm like the coolest chick ever, right? (Ah, keep your wise-guy remarks to yourself, Eric.) Well, just so you all don't feel so bad about not being as cool as me, I thought I'd level the playing field by revealing some little-known secrets. I wasn't always this awesome, you know. To prove it, and to celebrate my 101st blog post, enjoy these little factoids.

Top 5 Dorky Movies In My Current Collection:
1. The Adventures of Pluto Nash, starring Eddie Murphy
2. Galaxy Quest, starring Tim Allen
3. Bowfinger, starring Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin, and *gag* Heather Graham
4. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, starring a lot of people who should have known better
5. Stealing Harvard, starring Jason Lee *love* and Tom Green, who eerily looks like my step-dad in this movie

Top 5 Dorky CDs In My Collection:
1. 98* Greatest Hits~I wasn't a very big fan of 98*, but I did often steal the single "Invisible Man" from my freshman year roommate.
2. Coolio featuring 40 Thevz, the single C U When U Get There ~ I believe the first time I heard this song was with Nicole, on our way to a 4-day Christian rock fest. hahahahahahahaahahahahahaha Best line: "I ain't tryin' to preach, I believe I can reach, but your mind ain't prepared. C U when U get there." Oh, Lord.
3. Chumbawamba, Tubthumper ~ Come on, like you didn't jam to it. I would like to add, though, that I did not purchase the cd myself. It was a Christmas present. :-D
4. Chris Gaines, Lost In You ~ It's just the single...to a movie that was never made because the song flopped. And yes, I do like the song.
5. Soundtrack to the movie Beaches ~ Um...I have no justification for this one. I'm just a dork.

Dorky Books I've Read:
1. Everything "written" by V.C. Andrews up until high school graduation.
2. A lot of Harlequin crap, I'm afraid. Long before college, though. I know better now.
3. Chick Lit. My name is April, and I'm addicted to Chick Lit.

My Girlhood Crushes:
1. Michael J. Fox, in his Family Ties days.
2. Joey Lawrence, in his "Whoa!" days.
3. Jon Knight, in his NKOTB days.
4. Balthazar Getty, in his Lord of the Flies days.
5. Michael Pare, in his Eddie and the Cruisers days.

Secretly Love These Hip Hop/Rap Songs:
1. California Love, by Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre
2. Shake Ya Tailfeathers, by Nelly, P. Diddy, and Murphy Lee
3. Mo Money, Mo Problems, by Notorious B.I.G., Puff Daddy, and Mace
4. In Da Club, by 50 Cent (I actually love most of 50's songs...I have a mini crush on him.)
5. Gold Digger, by Kanye West and featuring Jamie Foxx

So, there you have it, my friends. Dorkery at its finest. Of course, just admitting all that only made me cooler than I already was. But don't worry, some day you'll be as cool as me. If you try really, really, really hard.

I thought bein' alone was better than...was better than...

Dear Library Patrons,
Take a shit at your own home. Don't wait until you get to the library, take a huge crap, and then leave the door wide open without even the fan going. And then don't come up to the counter later and say, "Hmm...it kinda stinks in here." Cuz it's your ass.
Love, April

Dear Idiot,
You are a waste of space. Stop breathing through your mouth, picking your nose, wearing the same clothes every day, and generally stinking up the joint. If you tell second shift one more time about how busy it's been when you've done nothing but sit on your ass, leave on your "break," or stink up the bathroom all day, I will rap you on your Jack Johnson....and/or stab your cheek with a ballpoint pen.
With Hate,
April

Dear Jersey's Dad,
How are you gonna be criticizing the cable guy, saying he doesn't know what he's doing? If you know so much, why don't you get a job at the cable company and start paying some damn child support, fool? I'm sure Jerz loves the Care Bear with the blueberry scented tummy, but being a daddy means more than the occasional present.
Love, April
P.S. How can you wear black velvet sweat pants in the middle of August?

Dear Mice,
Stay out of my car, if you know what's good for ya.
Love, April

Dear God,
I am sweet and loveable, as evidenced by the above letters. So where's my future husband? I'm not getting any younger.
Love, April

"No, I don't want a bite of your burrito, sicko!"

I got to see Aaliyah again briefly last night. I kept my distance because I've been battling a cold all week. She's still adorable. I'll post a pic next time.

By the way, the title of this post is a quote from my boss in response to the idiot she hired for the summer. He's the laziest piece of crap ever, and it continually pisses me off. He sits on his ass for hours at a time, reading, then gets up and says, "Well, I'm going on my break." I can't even look at him because I want to judo-chop his face off. Anyway, every day he goes to the store, buys 2 frozen burritoes, then lets them set out on the counter. After they've thawed a bit, he eats them, unheated. *shudders* He also goes to the bathroom about 8 times a shift, sometimes in there for 30 minutes at a time. So yesterday, he apparently asked my boss if she wanted a bite of his burrito, and that was her response.

I also had something bizarre happen at work yesterday. Before I begin, let me just have all of you who don't really know me, pretend that my last name is Smith, and also pretend that it's uncommon. (The rest of you can read along substituting Smith for my real last name.) Ahem. So, I'm working at the circ desk when this young woman comes in. She's very pretty, dressed all in black, with this charcoal gray houndstooth print hat. I ask if I can help her, and she says in this quiet, soft voice, "Yes, I'd like to use the computer." And I can hear an accent, possibly French. So I ask if she has a library card or if she's just a visitor.
Frenchy: Well, I'm with the Smiths.
Me: What?
Frenchy: The Smiths. You know, the Smiths?
Me: Uh, I am a Smith.
So I'm thinking she's staying at the house of some of my family members at first. Then I realize she means a band. And I'm also beginning to think that her accent sounds incredibly fake. Also, the entire time she's talking, it's like she's putting on a performance--elaborate gestures, cutesy expressions, etc.
Frenchy: Yes, we played in Rice Lake last night. And tonight, we travel to St. Paul to perform. But we'll come back here after that.
(Please picture every other word punctuated with a wave of the hand, a tilt of the head, anything theatrical you can think of...except no jazz hands.)
Me: Uh-huh... Okay, well...
Frenchy: I love it!
Me: Yeah, well, I'm sure... It sounds like fun, huh?
Frenchy: I have no complaints.
Me: Okay.
Frenchy: (leaning in super close, staring into my eyes) I have no complaints...at all.
Me: Er...you can go on a computer now.

I'm telling you, it was freaking weird!! Also, when I acted out this conversation to my mom and sister, and I imitated Frenchy leaning in really close for that final line, my mom insisted I never do it again because she felt like stabbing me in the eye.

I'M AN AUNTIE!!! AGAIN!

Aaliyah Kay was born at 2:27 a.m. Wednesday.

7.3 pounds, 20 inches long.

Apparently she looks like my brother. After work, I'm headed back to the hospital to see for myself.

The end of the weekend already? *sigh*

Thursday night, Nikki started going into labor, I guess. But Friday morning I was informed she'd been sent back home to let her cervix thin out some more. As of right now, 4:10 p.m. Sunday, still no baby. Although I did have a dream Friday night that she'd had a baby boy, whom she named Lance Reed. I assume my subconscious combined Lance Bass from N'Sync and Austin Reed from Days of our Lives.

On Friday, Kristen and I spent way too much money shopping in Eau Claire. I bought this tasty green purse with black skulls on it, for a clearance price of like $14. I tried to find a picture of it, but I couldn't find one. :( Trust me. It rocks. We also ate at Olive Garden, which was dee-lish-us. And we heard people at a table near us joking with their waiter, and then the waiter goes, "True dat." It was hilarious.

Saturday we had brunch at Perkins before heading out to Hudson to find our hotel, Best Western. Despite requesting an early check-in, our room was one of the very last to be cleaned. So we basically got into our room about 9 minutes before normal check-in. As we got ready, we were lucky enough to find that Lance Bass movie, On the Line, was on TV. It's as lame as you would expect. Then we headed to Stillwater, MN for Mike and Jolene's wedding, which took place on a riverboat. It was a very moving ceremony. Jolene was GORGEOUS. Oh, my gosh. Her hair was fantastic, the makeup flawless, and the dress. Oh, Lord. So beautiful. And of course Mike was very handsome in his tux. He even hugged me and Kristen. Awww...

Kristen and I were kept entertained by two of Jolene's other friends from college. They were party girls and definitely had some interesting stories. Plus being on the river was so cool. We hung out on the deck for quite a while, just soaking in the breeze and the beautiful surroundings. Jolene's brother made mix cds for the entertainment, and I was quite pleased to hear "Thriller" by Michael Jackson.

This morning we went to Mike and Jolene's house for brunch with some of their friends and family. Then the newlyweds opened their wedding presents. I got them this, while Kristen got them a set of ice cream bowls, all tinted a different color, and some ice cream toppings. I think Mike was quite pleased. Jolene's mom asked, "What's your favorite ice cream, Jolene?" And Mike answered, "Whatever's in the freezer." haha

So, now I'm back home, and I'm exhausted. Time to go take it easy.

I'm just saying, some people get knocked on the head and get super powers. Read a comic book.

Nothing special going on, I'm afraid. Here are a few snapshots of my life.

Aaron and Nikki got married on Monday morning. She's got a big honkin' rock on her finger. Hmph. My brother never gave me diamonds! Anyway, we'll probably have some kind of party for them later, after Nikki has the baby. And before you ask, no, we still don't know what she's having. Every time she has an ultrasound, the baby crosses its legs. I'm thinking, modesty? Must be a girl.

I was sitting in the library last week, just emailing and stuff, when this guy approaches me. He says hi, and I recognize him from when I'd interviewed at the newspaper he used to work for. Then he says, "You were at the Wilco concert a couple of weeks ago, weren't you?" And I'm like, "You bet your sweet ass I was!" (Or maybe I just said yes.) So he said he was a couple of rows behind me, which made me panic that he was going to comment on my grooving. But no. He just asked how long I'd been a fan and what I thought of the concert. We both agreed it was the best concert ever. Then he slipped me a little piece of paper with a link on it, and told me that he'd written a review of Wilco's concert because he's a freelance writer. I read it, and it's pretty dead on. Oh, and everyone I've told this story to has asked, "Was he single?" No.

In a series of emails to and from Kristen about our hotel reservations for Jolene's wedding, we've concluded that Best Western sucks. To sum up, despite Kristen calling to see if we could get an early check-in (before 3:00 so we have time to get ready for the evening wedding), BW not only already billed Kristen's credit card when we haven't stayed there, but also charged her for two nights instead of one. She called them about it, and their only form of action was to file a report that she's "disputing the charge." Unfortunately, the other hotels in our price range are fully booked, so we're stuck.
Kristen's email: No rooms available for the 5th, so I guess we're stuck with freaking "Best" Western.
April's email: Crap Western, more like, the bloody bastards. Let's plug up the toilet before we check out.
Kristen's email: Plugging the toilets. That shouldn't be too hard for us. ha ha ha. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Yes, we will plug up those babies real good.

I'm in a glass case of emotion!

So I know you're all dying to know how it went meeting Redlaw. She was awesome, as if you expected anything less. We met up late Saturday afternoon and went shopping, of course. How can we pass up a mall?

So, Redlaw found something that she just had to get for Metamorphose, and I found something that I just had to get for Jolene. It practically jumped into my hands. After a walk-through of the mall, we went to Garfield's restaurant, which is in the mall. Garfield's covers its tables in paper so that customers can color on it while waiting for food. So, our waiter comes up to the table, grabs two crayons and says, "I have to do our routine," which was to write his name on the table. Then, as if we couldn't read it, he says, "My name is Tony." I leaned my head back and sighed deeply. "Of course it is," I said. "Why wouldn't it be?" Then he didn't look at me for the rest of the meal.

Redlaw and I then went to Target to get munchies. Because who doesn't want munchies, right? She found a couple movies that she'd been wanting, and after purchasing them and the required chips and chocolate, we headed back to the motel. My aunt, who runs the motel, let us borrow her DVD player, so we watched Bridget Jones's Diary. It was excellent.

Oh, Redlaw also got to talk with Kristen on the phone, and about 15 minutes later, I got to talk to Metamorphose on the phone. It was fun.

Sunday was filled with Pier One Imports, Borders, Target, and lunch at Perkins. At Borders, I was sucked into their Buy 2, Get 1 Free deal. I ended up getting The Zombie Survival Guide (for my cousin, Justin, who wants to make films about zombies), Dogs of Babel, and The Man Who Loved Jane Austen. There wasn't much to choose from, unlike the selection for the Buy 3, Get 1 Free deal. Bastards.

At Perkins, our waiter kept flirting with us, but in a weird way. Like, he told us that he was going to be our waiter, then goes, "Is that okay?" We're like, yeah. He goes, "Are you sure?" *wink* It was weird. Then he kept coming back and saying things really quickly. We'd nod and smile, then look at each other like, "What did he just say?" Oh, and while Redlaw was in the restroom, I overheard a group of guys behind me quoting the new Will Ferrell movie and giggling excitedly. And by quoting, I mean word for word, including the part where old Will stabs himself and screams. It made me wish for a cute, funny-movie quoting boy of my own.

Then the day, and visit, was over too quickly. Redlaw (which I did almost call her one time) had another 10-hour drive in front of her. I was sad to see her go, but I had a great time. Plus, we quoted movies about a million times, and you don't find that with just anyone.

My life as a wet blanket.

Some minor irritations...and by minor, I mean knock it off or I'll backhand your face:

~People have been continually printing things from computers or making copies from the photocopier, then acting like it's a big hassle to pay for them. I mean, they'll specifically walk into the library to use the copy machine, and then say, "Oh, I guess I have to go get money? I don't have any money on me."

~They also like to walk in and just head for the computer. It has always been our policy (the same policy for any library with computers in the county) that you have to sign up for a computer. With as busy as it is in the summer, it's the only way we can keep track of how long people have been on and when we can get someone else on.

~No hello. No hi, how's it going? No good morning. It's simply, "I want a computer." Even when I say hello, just two feet away from them, they ignore me and demand a computer.

~There's one kid who comes in everyday to play Runescape. And everyday we have to tell him to watch his language, lower his voice, or stop arguing with whatever Runescape-playing kid is next to him. When his turn is over, he stalks out, muttering under his breath. Then an hour or so later, he's back trying to sweet-talk us. "I'd really like to apologize about my behavior earlier....can I go back on the computer?" I'm so sick of it. Even if I'm the bad guy and tell him no, someone else always undermines that authority and lets him on. How is he ever going to learn his lesson?

~On my last pay day, two guys who work for the city came by to drop off our paychecks. And he did something that took me right back to my retail days and instantly pissed me off. Instead of just setting the envelopes down or handing them to me, he flips them at me. You know, like you would a frisbee or when you're dealing cards. Why do guys always fucking do that??? I can't even tell you how many times I've been cut or jabbed from having to try and catch whatever object is being thrown. I think it's a jackass thing to do.

~There's a new kid working at one of the libraries. He's working under a different program. I think he's a little bit slow--like a learning disability, but he's capable of work and reading, all that stuff. Anyway. I think he has a crush on me. He's always standing behind me or just out of my peripheral vision, and he stares at me. I'll turn around, and there he'll be. With a little smile on his face. I'm awful, aren't I? But it irritates the hell out of me.

~My mom's boyfriend broke up with her. Again. I'm mad at him for treating her badly, but I'm irritated because I've been seen as, like, the bad guy. The first time they tried dating (and the second), he was an ass to her. So when they started dating again, I told my mom I didn't want to hear about him or see him, whatever. Not that she paid any attention. But it was always, "Oh, April. Why can't you be nice to him? Why can't see he's trying to change? Blah, blah, blah."

~One bright spot. After the article, read the first comment. I like the way she thinks.

"If we'd waited, we wouldn't have invaded. That's true cuz it rhymes."

I had dinner last night with Nicole and her husband, Allen. I'm jealous of their perfectness. We went to Adventure's in RL. After we waited for about 15 minutes or so, the high school-age hostess asked if we were "ready to be sat." haha

Somewhere in the middle of talking about our jobs, complaining about our families, and reminiscing about high school, I suddenly remembered a moment that made me realize that I haven't changed much since I was 17. I was explaining to Allen that one time in our senior English class, we were all supposed to fill out a "class poll," so everyone in the class would get voted into a certain category...most popular, prettiest, etc. Nicole and I tied for Brainiest, and we were both pissed off because we wanted to be Most Funny. It still rankles, cuz we were the funniest mo-fos in that class!

Anyway, I was lying awake in the suffocating heat last night when I remembered that I never wrote about the rest of my weekend in Superior. Of course, now it's been so long that I've forgotten quite a bit. Here are the highlights:

At Kmart, Kristen pointed at this picture of Bruce Willis and said, "This is your lover!" And it was funny and spontaneous, so I was startled into a surprised laugh, complete with projectile spit. It was altogether hilarious and gross that we were almost crying from laughing so hard. I mean, come on. Look at that mustache!

Kristen's parents also grilled out for us, either Saturday or Sunday...so long ago. Anyway, after the lunch, we were eating root beer floats out in the new gazebo/tent that her parents had set up. The 2L bottle of root beer was still sitting on the table, but I had replaced the cap. Then a really strong wind came up and the bottle began tipping off the table, between me and Kristen. Kristen didn't try to grab the bottle, but her eyes got really wide as she watched the bottle and screamed, "WaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhh!" It was the most bizarre scream EVER. As she finally realized that the cap was on and no pop was spilling, her face turned red and we laughed until our backs hurt and we were crying. You know that kind of laughing? It's not attractive at all. And then as we're still laughing, another strong wind came up and blew Kristen's skirt up into her face. Oh, Lord. So. Freaking. Hilarious.

We also tried to stalk her crush at his church, but it turns out that he most likely doesn't even attend there. Which is good because the sermon annoyed me greatly. I did like the church itself, though. Very pretty. And I did get to finally see her crush at Kristen's library. Very cute. Looks a little like the host of "Cash in the Attic."

And that's about all I can remember. Which is good because my mom just called and offered me a delicious blizzard from Dairy Queen.

It's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark...

I have the stupidest ideas at 7:22 a.m.

This morning I woke up thinking that it would be hilarious if, at Jolene's wedding reception, everyone perfectly began dancing to the exact choreography of Michael Jackson's "Thriller," ala 13 Going on 30. This had me giggling madly for about 3 minutes, before I drifted back to sleep.

Isaac Hayden may have made me giggle like a schoolgirl, but Wilco rocked my face off.

So this weekend was about music. Most of it was actually good.

Friday I drove up to Superior to meet Kristen. We got ourselves ready for the Isaac Hayden performance later in the evening. We arrived way too early, of course, and roamed around a pretty ghetto Kmart in West Duluth to waste time. Then we set out for Beaner’s, hoping at least one of Kristen’s friends would decide to show up.

We talked briefly with a worker, perhaps owner? at Beaner’s about why we came to the show. Kristen filled him in on the Librarian’s Revenge and that Isaac (because we’re on a first-name basis now, don’t you know) was on the March mix. (Side note: Bless you, Redlaw, for the intro to his music.) The guy was really excited and encouraged us to email him whenever we found someone whom we thought more people should listen to. I’m thinking the Avett Brothers, but they’re probably already too big?

So, I saw Isaac tuning up his guitar on stage. He smiled at me. I quickly looked away because apparently kindness from hot strangers is more than I can bear.

Kristen’s friend Kelly arrived just after the first band started, a duo calling themselves E.J. Asher. One played guitar, the other electric violin. Don’t get me wrong…it sounds like it would be pretty cool. But everything sounded exactly the same. When about the fourth song began, Kristen leaned over and remarked, “Uh, didn’t we already hear this one?” What was hilarious was that Kelly had just come from a Pearl Jam concert, so she looked a little like we were nuts to be sitting in this café. But Kristen assured her that E.J. Asher wasn’t who we’d come to see.

Finally, after listening to the first band’s lame knock-knock joke, sermon on how we all have addictions, and an admonishment that Isaac Hayden somehow owed them royalties because they’d “invented” something, Isaac took the stage. Hallelujah.

He put on a fun show, though he looked a bit tired. Touring does that, I’m sure. I only drove 100 miles to get to Superior, and that was tiring enough. Anyway. Isaac Hayden was funny, talented, and mocked our northern accents. “How aboot some coffee?” He also made the audience participate in a song where he sang a line, and then we’d have to repeat it. But I don’t think any of us understood a word he said during that one, so we all sounded like idiots. And after he introduced a second song that he wrote “about a girl,” a girl in the audience asked if it was about the same girl.
Isaac: Which girl?
Girl in Audience: I guess not.
Hahaha

Afterwards, Kristen, Kelly, and I hung around until most of the place had cleared out, then we approached him to buy cds. Here’s where I turned into an idiot.

Isaac turned to say hi and thank us for coming to the show. I tried to avoid looking directly at him, lest my face burst into flames. Yes, he was that hot.

Me: Er, I’m gonna buy a cd.
Isaac: Okay.
He grabs his official cd, still wrapped in plastic, and then a bonus cd of him performing live in Utah.
Me: Do you autograph them?
Isaac: *looking surprised* Do you want me to?
Me: Well, I’m here. Might as well. (Could that have sounded any ruder? Yikes.)
So he rips open the plastic with his teeth, which was quite sexy and made me even more nervous.
Me: My name is April, by the way…
Isaac: *looks at me like he knows the name from somewhere* Nice to meet you. *shakes my hand*
Me: Yeah, I emailed you like a week ago…
Isaac: Oh, yeah! Right!
Me: The dork who emailed you.
And then, instead of laughing or mocking me, he takes a step back, puts one hand on his chest and says, “Oh, no. I’m totally a dork, too.”
So endearing. *sigh*

So then he asks how we heard of him, and Kristen explains again about Librarian’s Revenge and that he was on the March mix. He seemed pretty excited about it. Kristen bought a cd, too, and then we started heading out. I was ahead of the other two girls, and Isaac was still talking as I was leaving. I remember him saying something about how I should email him on his MySpace account…keep him updated? I don’t remember. I was trying to concentrate on not tripping or giggling like an idiot. So, with a nod in his direction, I said, “Okay, cool.” And walked out.

Out on the street, Kristen and Kelly were smirking at me. Before they could make fun of me, I’m like, “Yeah, I don’t know what happened in there. I’m a total idiot.”

But it wouldn’t have been an official April moment without making a fool out of myself in front of a hot boy, would it? And in case you’re interested, he signed the cd, “To April- Thanks. Isaac Hayden.”

Okay, onward Christian and/or unchristian soldiers. Skipping all other delightful weekend moments for a later post, let’s get right down to Sunday evening. Wilco. In concert. Rocked my freaking face off.

Kristen provided the tickets. I provided…er…myself. We had pretty decent seats, about 24 rows back but right in the middle of the row. Excellent view of the stage. We people-watched until the concert began. The audience ranged from like 9-year-olds on up to 60. Two guys in the row ahead of us looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman and Steve Zahn. Phil, who was wearing golf shorts that stuck to his butt each time he got up, asked me if I knew who the opening band was and if I knew much about them. I replied that they were called the Black Eyed Snakes, and I only knew that they were local. Apparently he knew all that and was just quizzing me because he then informed me that it was a “side project” of one of the guys from Low. I had no idea who he was talking about. But the band was pretty good. They used a distorted microphone throughout every song, so unfortunately, I couldn’t understand anything they sang, but the music rocked.

During their set, a group of guys behind us were trying to figure out what the seat numbers were for the six empty seats next to Kristen. She kept trying to tell them that the empty seat next to hers was #10, but they ignored her. So she kept yelling, “It’s 10! 10! This seat is 10!” I laughed a lot as she got irritated.

So, yeah, Wilco came out and kicked some ass. I only know one of their songs, which they didn’t play, but even so, it was an amazing concert. Everyone was singing along. The 13-year-old next to me who kept poking me with his tour poster even knew every word to the songs. And at one point, lead singer Jeff Tweedy said how much he liked Duluth. Then he goes, “I might even say you’re….Superior?” I laughed, but most of the audience groaned. He hung his head in shame as another band member made his guitar play the sounds “Wah…wah…waaaaaaahhh…” It was hilarious. Then Jeff Tweedy says, “Yeah, that’s why I don’t talk into the microphone much.”

Two encores, people. Two. That’s how awesome they were. Only downside was that everyone stood during the entire concert, which sucked because the floor was slanted and I was wearing sandals, which led to numb toes. Kristen bought herself a T-shirt and a set of tour postcards, and I also bought the tour postcards. They’re pretty sweet.

So that was my musical weekend. Other dorky moments will be documented later. For now, check out the Isaac Hayden and Wilco sites to add insane awesomeness to your day.

Currently obsessed with:



Currently watching:



Currently reading:




Currently listening to:

It IS inappropriate. Much like your facial hair.

Dream Dictionary

Poker~ To dream that you are playing poker, suggests that a situation in your waking life requires strategy and careful planning. You need to think things out before carrying out your actions. The dream may also be a pun on "poke her." Are you trying to get a girl's attention?

Um. No.

"I'm into board games. I have a Monopoly club the way some people have a poker group. By the way, I'm undefeated." -Topher Grace

I literally woke myself up laughing last night. Including an actual snort. I forget now what was so damn funny, but I do recall that I was lying on the floor playing poker with Topher Grace, who was dealing the cards off my ass.

Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees!

Heat makes me cranky. Which lowers my tolerance for, well, just about everything. So here is a list of things that has pissed me off in the last week.

*Tourists. For some reason, my hometown is inundated every summer with tourists. Why the hell they choose here for a vacation is beyond me. Really, are our lakes that fabulous? You have to come here? And upon arriving, must you do the following?
**Turn left at the right-turn-only sign?
**Stop when there's no stop sign?
**Ignore the stop sign when there is one?
**Walk around half-naked when you're 50+, fat, and hairy?

*Interruptions. Every time I speak, someone interrupts. Can I just finish one fucking sentence, please?

*People taking over my job. Unless I ask for help with something, I think I should be given the benefit of the doubt that I am, in fact, competent enough to do daily work activities.

*Junk for sale. I went to garage sales this weekend with my grandma and Nikki, and most of the places had a lot of decent stuff. But then there was inevitably places with nothing but complete trash that should just be thrown away. Yeah, sir, I'm really glad I stopped by to check out your one table of beer can coolers, Ziplock bag of costume jewelry, 3 western books, TV trays, your Shop Class-style lamp, and a box of dingy, used shoes. Oh, and the brand new leather recliner with the $500 price tag. Thanks for advertising.

*Old, smelly men in the library. That's self-explanatory.

*And a million other things, but I'm getting too cranky just writing this list.

On Thursday, since it was cold and looking like rain, I brought out a green zip-up jacket that I hadn't worn in quite a long time. Inside one of the pockets, I found a fortune leftover from some Chinese meal. The fortune read, "Hope for the best--prepare for the worst." And so it began.

Later that day while working at the library, I had a run-in with a sneery woman. Since our new system is pretty much Internet-based, anyone can go online and look at their account. So this woman's daughter was looking up the family account, and it showed they still had a movie checked out. The mother comes up to the circulation desk and told me about it. She says, "We brought that movie back today with a bunch of other movies. She must have missed it." She, meaning my co-worker. Then she says, "That always happens here. If I bring in a bunch of movies, you miss one or two, and I end up getting late fines." I said okay, I'd check, and began looking for the movie in our courier bin.

It was a quick search because there were only 7 movies in the bin, and the one she claimed to have returned was not one of them. She asked if it could be somewhere else or if it could have had a hold on it and went to someone else. I patiently explained no, because in order for the hold to activate, it would have been checked in first. So, realizing that she hadn't actually brought the movie in, she began yelling at her kids and blaming them for not bringing it. She didn't apologize to me. The next day she brought the movie in, still no apology. And believe me, she should apologize for making her children watch a movie starring Kirk Cameron.

Anyway, later on Thursday afternoon, I had to tell this stinky old man, John, who sits at the computer for hours and hours, to shut his piehole. Except I was nicer. There were two kids on the computers also, and John got mad at his computer for some reason and said "Damn" really loudly. Granted, that's a pretty tame word, but still. It's a library! Neither my co-worker or I said anything, but then John did it again like 2 minutes later. So I said, "John, you're going to have to watch your language." He bellows, "What?" And I repeated, "You're going to have to watch your language." He turned around, and I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to Friday morning, moments after we open the library. I had told my boss, Carol, about what happened with John. Then he comes in the library, all set to plop his stinky ass down for another 5 or 6 hours, but first he comes up to me. He takes an empty beer can out of a plastic bag and practically shoves it in my face. He points at some tiny writing at the top of the can and says "What does that say?" And not thinking anything other than that he just couldn't read the small writing, I read the words "Damn good beer."
John: *yelling* Now you watch your language!
I got fucking pissed off. So I did a little voice-raising of my own.
Me: John, there is a difference between sitting at the computer and swearing loudly and you coming in here trying to catch me off guard.
John: Well, don't you tell me to watch my language. I have never --
Me: *cutting him off* You cannot sit in the library and swear. We don't tolerate it from children, we won't tolerate it from an adult.
John: I never swear in here!
Carol: John, I have spoken to you several times about your language.
John: Never! I--
Carol: I have spoken to you several times about your language.
Then he begins ranting about us letting little kids run around in the library, and one of these days someone's gonna get hurt.
John: You better take care of that!
Carol: John, if you're going to become offensive, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I wish she had asked him to leave, the old stinky bastard, who sits looking up young women's pictures on match.com. Ish.

I'm currently working at the CA library, hoping fervently that the 56-year-old doesn't come waltzing in. Apparently I'm not the only library worker he's tried to woo. My boss calls him the Dumpster Diving Don Juan. I'll leave the explanation to your imaginations.

Dear 56-year-old single men,

Just because I politely ask if you enjoyed watching The Motorcycle Diaries does not mean that you should then spend the next hour and twenty minutes telling me your life story and ask me out on a date. "I'm single and looking, if you're interested" is not hot. I'm 27, not desperate.

Love, April

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest opens July 7.

Oh, you can bet your sweet ass I'll be there. You can bet Orlando's sweet ass, too.

We all have a type.

<---- This is mine. I've got a major thing for dark curly hair, usually blue eyes, and the whole kind of scrubby look. Not dirty, just...rough. I dig that whole bad boy thing. The bad boy who's not afraid to be goofy. Look at him. Doesn't he look like a goofball? I love that. I lust after that. I can get that.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I could get Ben Affleck. But I could get the bad boy, goof ball. Probably no where near as hot as Ben, but you know what I mean. All I'd have to do is lower my standards, forget about my boy requirements...like intelligence, literacy, and social graces.


But then, just when I think I could be okay with a guy like that, guess who comes along?

























The breathtaking, mishievous, brilliant type. *sigh*

Look at him. Gorgeous. Funny, smart, considerate of my feelings. Damn those pretty eyes and knowing smile! He knows I want him. He loves it. He feeds off it.

And I can never have him. He's way out of my league. Oh, Scott Speedman and men of your caliber, why do you taunt me with those kissable lips? Why do the words "tender lover" echo in my head?

I just want to know, isn't there an in-between? Is there some sort of happy medium? A man who is within my league, yet reads more than "Mechanics Monthly?" A man who is edgy at times, yet sweet when I need it? Serious and goofy all in one? Is there anyone like that?

Soul Patrol!!

Yes, the Silver Fox won American Idol last night. I'm not ashamed to admit that Amanda, Mom, and I all screamed when we heard the results. Thank God it wasn't old stinky Katherine McPhee.

Favorite parts of the night:

1) Elliott Yamin singing with Mary J. Blige. It was spectacular.

2) Clay Aiken surprising his "look-alike" with an on-stage duet.

3) Prince steaming up the screen with his sexy self. Amanda and I were drooling over him. Suddenly Manda blurted out, "I'll....bite his butt!" It was so surprising that, at first, I just stared at her. Then we burst out laughing and she goes, "Don't write that on your blog!" Her face was so red.

When I am right next to you, Girl, I feel so close.

I've been 7'd by Carrie. So here are the answers to her questions:

7 things I want to do before I die:
*Be serenaded by John Mayer
*Visit Ireland
*Talk face-to-face with my dad
*Write a screenplay
*Learn to play guitar
*Learn to skateboard
*See an end to AIDS

7 things I cannot do:
*Math
*Stop thinking about you-know-who
*Verbalize my thoughts during confrontation
*Get along with my brother
*Wear a bikini (trust me, you don't want to see that)
*Forget NKOTB
*Live forever

7 things that attracted me to my spouse (In my case, what will attract me):
*Excellent sense of humor
*Good with children
*Considerate
*Reads books
*Sings along with the radio
*Brilliant kisser
*Fave holiday is Halloween

7 thinks I look forward to everyday:
*Seeing Jersey
*My grandparents
*Reading my latest book
*Getting mail
*A story idea
*Checking email/blogs
*Making someone laugh

7 books I love:
*Catcher in the Rye ~J.D. Salinger
*After You'd Gone ~Maggie O'Farrell
*The Perks of Being a Wallflower ~Stephen Chbosky
*A Brief History of the Flood ~Jean Harfenist
*The Dictionary of Failed Relationships: 26 Tales of Love Gone Wrong ~Meridith Broussard
*I Capture the Castle ~Dodie Smith
*I Wish Someone Were Waiting For Me Somewhere ~Anna Gavalda

7 movies I could watch over and over:
*Ever After
*Bridget Jones's Diary
*The Breakfast Club
*Eddie and the Cruisers
*Labyrinth
*Tommy Boy
*Dumb & Dumber

7 people from whom I'd like to hear 7 sevens:
Anyone who'd like to join in. :)

Question: What is the least likely comment you'd think of hearing while dining at a Chinese restaurant?

Answer: "You never see ventriloquists anymore! That's a great art!"

Oh, Taco John's Meat and Potato Burrito, why do you continue to hurt me when I only want to love you?

I'm currently reading this book, "Found." It's pretty cool. People have sent in tons of pictures, letters, notes, etc. that they've just randomly found. I got my copy from a library, and wouldn't you know it, someone had left a little note of their own inside. On the back of an old film developing envelope, someone had written, "Am I crazy? Or did I just blow your mind bitch?" Indeed, they had.

The other night Amanda went digging through my purse for a pen. After she found one, she left my purse on the edge of the table, which apparently translates to "fair game" for Jersey. Like fools, none of us noticed how quiet she'd become. Moments later, Jersey walked into the living room with one of Auntie's emergency pads in her hand. I watched in horror as she held it up to her nose, sniffing. "Piddy," she said. Mom and Amanda started laughing hysterically. She sniffed it again. "Piddy."

I grabbed it away from her, my face red. She left the room, returning a minute later with another one, apparently liking the baking powder scent. Then I noticed she had powder all over her clothes. Yup, she'd dug into Auntie's makeup, too.

How was your Mother's Day?

Since I'm childless, I spent my Sunday watching a marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episodes. That quirky Carson cracks me up.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

Thursday I had to run home from work so I could grab one of my movies to lend to my co-worker. I walked in the house and saw my grandpa sitting in his recliner watching TV. This wasn't unusual. What was unusual was that he had no pants on, his gleaming white, smooth legs crossed at the knee. I was flabbergasted. I stood staring. Barely looking at me, he said, "Grandma's upstairs sewing my new pants." I almost fell over laughing. So freaking funny!

Yesterday, my mom, sister, Jersey, and I had lunch at Hardee's. We sat in the playroom, which was a mistake since Jersey wanted to play with another little girl instead of eating her lunch. She kept pointing at the pit of plastic balls that the little girl had jumped into. Jersey has recently learned colors, so she was saying, "Blue! Blue!" Mom says, loudly, "That's right, Jersey! Blue balls!" Then my mom's face turned bright red and she looked away quickly. Amanda and I couldn't stop laughing.

Then since Jersey didn't like her hamburger, I was giving her a bite of my roast beef sandwich. Jersey goes, "Mmm!" So Amanda goes, "You like Auntie's beef, Jersey?" Then her face turned red, and we started giggling.

A couple things I forgot:

When I was cutting into the delicious Dairy Queen cake with a large butcher knife, my grandma kept hovering over me, worried I'd slice my hand off.
Grams: I worry about you using that knife. Let me get you a paring knife.
Me: Grandma, I'm fine. I know how to use a knife.
Grams: Well, I worry. Here's a paring knife.
Me: I can't use a paring knife to cut the cake!
Grams: Well, I worry about you using that knife.
Me: I'm fine! *handing her a slice of cake on a plate* Here, eat your cake.
Grams: Well, just be careful with that knife. I'm worried-- Whoops! *she drops her cake onto the floor*
Kristen and I start laughing hysterically.
Grams: Oh, darn it. *laughing*
Me: Looks like you should have worried more about your cake than my knife!

My boss and I were talking outside, where it was really windy. As she was talking, I saw a white feather whipping at me. I ducked, and it floated on by, missing me by mere inches. And all I could think in my head was, "You could have knocked me over with a feather!" And I laughed a lot.

Kristen came to visit me over the weekend. We had fun, despite the fact that I had a cold and was a bit weary.

Friday night, my aunt let us stay free of charge at her motel in Eau Claire. We got her a card and candle as a thank-you gift.

Mostly we hung out at stores. We did some investigating for wedding presents at the places where Jolene registered. We may or may not have found excellent purchases.

I went overboard getting Jersey some clothes. But they were clearance, and I couldn't resist. I got her a deep blue Indian-style shirt with gold and pink decorations and a deep blue ruffled skirt to match, and a dark pink shirt in the same style to match a pink skirt. Then I got her a pink and white plaid sundress. Kristen got her a gorgeous yellow sundress with a white ribbon above the waist and lots of bumblebees all over. We made her try on every outfit, too, and Jersey twirled around and strutted her cute self.

Outside one store, we saw a man with a large black poodle. Kristen went over and started petting the dog and talking to the owner. I asked the man what the dog's name was.
Man: We call him Curly.
Me: *smirking* Yeah, I can relate.
Man: *kinda laughing* Yeah. *then pointing at my hair* Yeah! Yeah! *laughing*
Kristen: *jerking her thumb at me* We call her Poodle.
Man: *still laughing* You two would look good walking down the street together!

At first I thought he meant me and Kristen, and I wanted to shout, "For the love of God, I'm not gay!" But then I realized he meant me and Curly. I also told Kristen that after she said that people call me Poodle, I should have said, "Yeah, well, we call you Bitch!"

I gave Kristen the rest of her birthday presents because I probably won't see her until after her actual birthday. I also got her an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. When I ordered it, the girl wrote down on the order slip "Happy 27th Kirsten," instead of Kristen. I was tempted to leave it, but the wrath of Kristen is great. (Just try bugging her when she's knitting!!)

We also each made a Mother's Day present for our moms and grandmas. I got the idea from Martha Stewart. We made pincushions out of the lids on mason jars with fiber fill and pink fabric with tiny white flowers, and then kept sewing supplies inside the jar. Very cute.

There may be other things. But I'm tired.

I don't say things like "special evening." I play guitar!

My mom, Amanda, and I like to play a little game called "There's your lover." It's pretty self-explanatory. We call lovers for each other by randomly pointing at gross guys and saying, "There's your lover." The grosser they are, the more fun it is to watch the other person squirm in disgust.

Yesterday while Amanda and I were waiting in the car as Mom went into the convenience store, Amanda picked a particularly gross guy for me. In revenge, I pointed at a big guy, who wasn't really that bad looking, but kinda dorky, and he was wearing a T-shirt that read "Wrestling USA." I told Amanda, "There's your lover." She said yuck.

But then, since we'd all been singing stupid songs earlier, I made up a little ditty to go along with the guy I picked out. To the tune of "She's an Easy Lover."

"Amanda wants that wrestler, she wants to do the sleeper-hold on him, believe me."

It was hilarious. Then we just kept using that tune to make up different variations. Also, the song "Your momma don't drink, and your daddy don't rock and roll" is now "Your momma's got the clap, and your daddy's out on parole." It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Why must chick lit books be so tempting and delicious to read? I have a BA in English literature* for crying out loud. I should laugh haughtily at the numerous British accounts of the single girl's woes. I should be reading to improve my mind, to prepare myself for high-society functions to which I'll never be invited. Instead, I succumb to the likes of Jennifer Crusie, Lynsay Sands, and Marian Keyes. What powers do these temptresses have over me?

In other news, Aaron and Nikki moved out, taking the dog with them. So my mom got herself a new dog, a Lhasa Apso (my favorite!) named Hunter. She renamed him Happy. I call him the Happy Hunter. He's really sweet, still a puppy. I guess yesterday Happy was chasing Jersey around and around the table. Then they'd each stop, stare at each other, and then he'd give chase again. Mom said Jersey was running the same way I always did when I was a toddler, with my arms back like I was an airplane. Incidentally, that's apparently also the last time I ever ran. Anyway, Jersey tripped over her toys, and landed next to the stereo speaker, which was blaring Bo Bice, her favorite American Idol. She was gasping for breath, giggling, with Happy on top of her licking her face, and she turns to the speaker and says, "Hi Bo Bice!" Cracks me up.

The library is currently throwing a retirement party for the lady whose position I recently took over. I'm keeping my distance because I know she doesn't like me. But that punch was my recipe, and I'm gonna head over there and boldly ladle myself (hahahahaha) a cup of it.

Oh, and I'm gonna karate chop the next old guy who insults my hair. It's perfectly fine...all moussed up and curled... I do not look like I "stuck my finger in a light socket." What the hell is with people being jerks to me lately?

*All right, all right, you bastards. It's actually just a BS, but I'm only missing the foreign language credits. You won't rest until you draw blood, will you?

"Rock got no reason, rock got no rhyme. You better get me to school on time."

Yesterday I had to drive with a co-worker to Eau Claire for a library workshop on advanced cataloging. I've only done a little bit of work in the catalog system, so I didn't know what was going on. But my co-worker was familiar with the process and still didn't know what was going on, so I didn't feel bad. And then there was a 45-minute tangent on something only semi-related to what we were discussing. It was a waste of time. At least I get reimbursed for my mileage and lunch.

A conversation with Kristen yesterday reminded me of something I forgot to post after mine and Krista's stay in Superior. We had all been sitting in Kristen's room when her mom brought in the phone for her. She said hello and listened as a high-pitched squeaky voice on the phone said, "Hi, Kristen! This is April." She turned and looked at me, then says into the phone, "Uh, no it isn't....since I'm looking at her right now." It was Dan. Then he goes, "Oh, so I guess I didn't need to put on the fake boobs, huh?"

He also admitted to her that he used to have a crush on me. I knew it already, but I was glad to have my fears (ha ha) confirmed. He said, "But, you know, I was young..." Kristen added, "And stupid."

She said he called her again the other day, and she said to him, "Oh, hi April." And in his squeaky "April" voice, he replied, "Hi! I called to talk about Dan again because that's what we always talk about!" She goes, "Yeah...You totally have a crush on him."

Makes me laugh...and cringe. Dan is the real-life Napoleon Dynamite, if you'll recall. Well...Napoleon Dynamite/Cosmo Kramer. I suppose I should be flattered, sorta, since Dan always manages to inexplicably get hot girlfriends. It's so bizarre.

Dear Judgmental Old Crone,
Just because I want to see the movie The Da Vinci Code when it comes out does not make me a heathen, uneducated, or ignorant of the Bible. So next time you tell me that I need to read church history, be prepared to feel like an idiot because I will not hesitate to put you in your place.
Love, April

Dear Small Talk Guy,
Calling my hair "frazzled" does not 1) Make sense, 2) Make me want to continue talking with you, or 3) Count as actual small talk. Perhaps you should look up the word "frazzled" in the dictionary. Dumbass.
Love, April

Dear Hot Boy,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming into the library and letting me behold your hotness. I apologize for the pool of drool you slipped in.
Love, April

********************************

Sometimes when Kristen and I talk, we like to imagine future conversations we may have. Now, I don't mention this so that you, dear reader, can make fun of us. I mention it because we greatly amuse ourselves, and the following is one such conversation.

Last night on the phone, Kristen and I were discussing what would happen if I got married before she did. I noted that she would probably get very bitter and drunk (probably on one wine cooler) at the reception. This is our conversation about what her "toast" to myself and my husband would be like. Oh, and imagine us talking in slurred voices, cuz that makes it funnier.

Kristen: I'd probably be like "So, you finally got married...Well, la-ti-dah!"
April: Then you'd be like, "You think you're better than me now, don't you? Well, you're not!"
Kristen: "Bitch."
April: *laughing* Then Krista would come up and try and take the microphone away from you...
Kristen: And I'd whip it away and be like, "Leave me alone! I've got something to say!"
April: Yeah... "It'll never last, you know."
Kristen: Yeah! And then, like, let's pretend your husband's name is Brian... I'd be like, "Brian, give me a call when it doesn't work out."
April: ha ha "Yeah, give me a call when Tony comes back in her life and she dumps you for him."
We both laugh.
April: "I'll do things with you I've never done before..."
Kristen: "Like have sex...with your wiener..."

And then we laughed until we cried.

NEXT JOKE!

Easter weekend was relaxing and comical. I always enjoy hanging out with Krista and Kristen. Even if it does make me call them by the others' name more often than not.

Because there were a lot of memorable moments, I'm just going to relay them as they come to me, rather than trying to put them in chronological order. Ahem.

We were shopping at Target. Kristen holds up the movie Stripes and says, "Oh, April, I was going to get you this because I knew how much you loved it." So I quickly grabbed the book The Virgin of the Plains and said, "Oh, Kristen, I was gonna get you this book because I know you can relate." Note the sarcasm. Then Kristen explains to Krista, "April and I rented this movie one time because we like Bill Murray and thought it would be really funny. But all it was was a bunch of boob shots."
Me: Yeah, and they weren't even of Bill.

After Kristen opened the super-cool early birthday present I got her (which she'll tell you about on her blog), she started playing with the bow that had decorated the wrapping. It was a big bow of purple, blue, and pink metallic curls. She puts the bow on top of her head and says, "Look! I'm April's bangs!" Which everyone but me found absolutely hilarious. Several minutes later her dad comes in the room. Kristen puts the bow on her head again and says, "Hey, Dad! Guess who I am?"
Kristen's dad: I don't know. Sideshow Bob?
*sigh* Of course, everyone thought that was hilarious, too. Bastards.

Friday night we went to check out Beaner's in Duluth, a little coffee shop with a stage where performers...um...perform. Anyway, we wanted to see some guy named David Boone sing. We never even stayed for the main event. The first opening act stunk. Every song sounded the same. But some guy in front of us, who looked about 12, held up his beer, revealing a liger tattoo, and yelled "Sounds good." I had a very hard time not laughing.

Then the 12-year-old and his buddy were the next act. They took off their shoes and socks before taking the stage. And they continually yelled "Folk rock!" I decided they looked like tattooed hobbits. One song's chorus was the repetitious line, "When you fill me up, I'll drink you down." And they were serious. They even sang with their eyes closed. The final song that I stuck around to hear was something about, "I gotta get out of this town." I just barely stopped myself from yelling, "Yeah? Well, I gotta get out of here!" I took many notes on the things that were annoying/hilarious. I think the girls next to me thought I was a critic for a paper or something. They kept trying to read what I was writing.

Also, there's only so many berets and goatees I can handle. Granted, there was only one guy with a beret and a goatee, but that just happens to be my limit.

After eating at Perkins, we were paused in front of the sticker machine...because 27-year-olds NEED stickers. My sticker read "I *heart* Frat Boys." Anyway, a worker there was attempting to place a rug that he'd rolled up for cleaning back in its spot. He roughly unrolled it, and it struck me in the legs. I yelled, "Rug'd!" We found it amusing, but he didn't even apologize or anything. Stupid Perkins worker.

At Applebee's, we placed our order with a waitress: a santa fe chicken salad, an oriental chicken salad, and a chicken club sandwich. A little while later, a waiter comes up to our table and shouts, "Hello, hello! Who's rockin' the chicken club?" We all blankly stare at him. He says, "Uh, the chicken club sandwhich?" Krista raises her hand, I turn away to laugh at the waiter. Then he goes, "Well, you were all looking dumbfounded." Dude, ya think it had anything to do with you being a dork?

At Target, (no, this is a different visit) we're all standing in line to check out. Kristen has just paid for her items when the clerk, a new guy, starts flashing his light to signal for a manager. Apparently he'd run out of receipt tape and didn't know how to put in a new one. The manager attempts to start a new one, but the paper keeps sticking. She goes, "It's just like toilet paper. You need some, but you can't get it." We fake laugh politely.

After the paper was in, the manager noted that too much time had elapsed for the computer to recognize the last sale and form a receipt. In order to get one, they'd have to void all Kristen's items and re-ring them up to give her a receipt. I sighed deeply and said to Kristen, "I can't take you anywhere!" She told me to never mind and just fill out my check. I said I couldn't just guess the total. And then, since she'd mostly just bought candy for Easter baskets she was making, I said, "She just bought food. She can't return it anyway. She doesn't need a receipt." Then I pushed the cart towards her and said, "Outta my way, lady."

So the kid rings up my items, trying not to laugh, and informs me of my total, $25.30. Kristen goes, "You couldn't have guessed that total?" I snootily replied, "I had things on my mind." The kid was trying hard not to laugh at our lame shenanigans.

Out in the car, we were bragging about our skills at cracking up teenage boys. I quipped that we're at our comedic peak. Then Kristen, pretending she was talking to the check-out boy, says, "Well, hello. If you were a couple years older..."
Me: You'd still be too young.
We laugh.
Kristen: I'd be in jail!

And on our drive home, another car pulled out in front of us with its brights on. Kristen yelled something almost intelligible in shock/fear. We kept driving as nothing else happened. A minute later, I said to Kristen, "Uh, did you just yell 'Zadot?'" Indeed, she had. So we yelled Zadot! for the rest of the weekend.

Krista told Kristen that she was going to email her a picture of something she's thinking about getting another friend as a present. Keep in mind, earlier in the weekend, I had given Krista her belated Christmas AND birthday presents, because it had been so long since I'd seen her. She'd also given me my Christmas presents. And she gave Kristen her Christmas gifts (some homemade ornaments...a tad bit grandma-ish, but nice), and Kristen had given Krista a birthday package, but nothing for Christmas. Got that? Okay. So, Krista wanted Kristen's opinion on a gift she was giving to another friend.
Krista: I need your opinion because you have excellent taste, and I don't.
Kristen: You have taste, Krista... It was evident in the Christmas present you gave me. *she tries desperately not to laugh*
Me: BURN!!!
Krista and I laugh.
Krista: Yes, Kristen. And it was evident how much you think of me by the Christmas present you gave me. (which, if you'll recall, was nothing)
Me: DOUBLE BURN!!!
Really, it was hilarious.

Anyway, look to Krista's page for a revealing conversation between Kristen and I.
And look to Kristen's page for our new hit song.

Eat this, Fake Wayne!

Amanda had her job interview on Wednesday, and though she hasn't heard if she got the job, she did say the interview itself went really well. It's for a Subway restaurant, and when the manager asked her what she knew about Subway, Amanda replied, "Uh, you eat fresh?" hahahaha That's m'girl! She said that at the end of the interview, she asked the manager if he'd ever seen the movie Saving Silverman. He grinned and goes, "You mean because of Subway University?" She laughed and said yes. So then they compared their favorite scenes from the movie. His favorite, if you're interested, is when Jack Black and Steve Zahn go to kidnap Amanda Peet. They split up, and Jack heads right for the kitchen, where he begins eating. He says into his walkie-talkie, "Dude, I think I see something in the back of the refrig---closet." Classic scene.

I also talked with Cara the other night. She moved into her own place and likes working as a correctional officer at a prison. Anyway, while we were talking, Tyler started crying in the background because he fell. For like the next 5 minutes, literally, all I could hear was him chanting "Broken butt...broken butt...broken butt..."

And Krista has arrived to hang out with me for the night. Before I had to go to work, we watched Days of Our Lives, and Krista imitated a reporter on the show who had mistaken one woman for someone else's wife. When he was corrected, he said, "I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong."
Krista: *imitating reporter, complete with invisible microphone* April, I can see the complete frustration on your face.
Me: Um, that's just gas.
Krista: I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong.

Then while she patiently waited for me at the library, we overheard two little old ladies talking about the front page of our local newspaper, which featured an article on methamphetamines. Old lady one is hard of hearing, therefore shouted her side of the conversation.
Old lady 1: Boy! They sure have problems with this meth!
Old lady 2: Yeah, they sure do.
Old lady 1: What the hell does it do, anyway?
Old lady 2: I don't know.
Old lady 1: Does it give ya a high?

Krista and I quickly separated to prevent a full-blown case of inappropriate giggling.

And finally, as Krista looked at a stack of books, she pointed at a book on tape. Laughing, she read the print on the bottom, "Read by author." She says, "I thought, 'Well, of course the author read it! She wrote it.' Then I realized it was a book on tape." haha Ah, you'll laugh later when you get it.

Amanda has a job interview at a sandwich place in town, so I'm really excited for her! I hope she gets it. She needs to be responsible and work. And hopefully she can get some assistance to put Jersey in daycare while she's working. That way Jersey won't be so upset when Amanda leaves a room.

Also with the great warm weather, we've seen the return of the asian beetle. Those buggy bastards, crawling on my curtains, buzzing around my light bulb, stinking up the joint when I kill 'em.

I'm getting more and more excited for my weekend at Bernie's! Er, I mean at Kristen's. Krista is driving up Thursday. I have to work, but I managed to okay an early dismissal. We'll spend the night eating pizza and watching Mystery Men, White Oleander, and The Best of Will Ferrell. I know that White Oleander doesn't seem to fit into that high-hilarity schedule, but Krista's never seen it and it features the pier in Santa Monica, CA that we went to on vacation one year. Plus, we like Patrick Fugit. And Cole Hauser is pretty damn hot, too. Meow!

Then on Friday we'll drive up to Superior for sitcom-worthy hilarity. We may be checking out a little club where Isaac Hayden will be performing in June. Maybe we could practice our pick-up lines. Perhaps we'll go bowling and Kristen will walk around with toilet paper on the bottom of her shoe. Not that that would ever happen....

Does anybody watch Grey's Anatomy? A co-worker suggested I watch it, so of course I tuned into an episode where the main chick was dumped and everyone at work was talking about her. Like I needed a reminder about that experience. It was an excellent show, though. I wish I could see it from the beginning.

They ain't love handles if nobody loves you

Some moments I regret:

*The one time I had the desire to run, I caught my foot in the leg of a chair and twisted my ankle. I was forced to ride piggy back all the way home (to my dorm) on a friend's back. All this, by the way, happened in front of a crush. I wonder why he never asked me out.

*While visiting a hot boy friend at the coffee place where he worked, he gave me my first cappuccino for free. All flushed from the steamy cup in my hand and the hotness of his face, my parting words were an enthusiastic, "Thanks a million!" Those Danny Tanner-like words echoed in my head the rest of the day. And I dumped the cappuccino after one sip.

*I have been urged/pressured to sing karaoke a few times in my life. And several times, I complied. With great regret, I offer these song choices as proof of my nerdery:
~Closing Time, by Semisonic (people literally got up and left)
~You're So Vain, by Carly Simon (one guy yelled, "What the hell?" when I & Kristen finished)
~Karma Chameleon, by Culture Club (Kristen only knew the chorus, so I was stuck singing "I'm a man without conviction" alone)
~The Monkees theme song (which neither of us knew very well)
~But at least I didn't have to sing "Come On Eileen," by Dexy's Midnight Runners, which Tony had asked the DJ to have me sing. The DJ couldn't find the song, so I was safe.

*One Halloween I dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire, and looked more like a gay linebacker.

*The first time I ever got drunk, I pointed at a poor red-haired boy in the bar and shouted, "Hey, look! It's Beaker from the Muppet Show!" Even more, I regret the "Beaker" noises with which I followed the drunken comment.

So, I found out (by way of my precious Sitemeter) that some website that is dedicated to Steve Gonsalves of TAPS, whom I've previously blogged about and lusted for, has linked me as a wealth of information. Apparently they've worked tirelessly to bring the very best sites with Steve info all onto one site for easier access for hardcore fans.

And I'm #4.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha *deep breath* hahahahahahahaha

I also found out that the lucious Isaac Hayden, who sings "It's All I Need Today" on Redlaw's March cd, will be performing in Duluth in June. So I informed Kristen that we'll be attending. Mmmm....

Yesterday evening I picked up Amanda and Jersey to come over and watch American Idol. We first had to stop at the store so she could pick up some milk. I parked the car, and before Amanda got out:
Me: Oh! Guess who's performing on American Idol this week?
Amanda: Who?
Me: Kenny Rogers.
Amanda: *she leans her head back and sighs* Kenny Rogers? Why can't they have anyone good?
Me: *I shrug*
Amanda: *she gets out of the car, and just before closing the door, she leans back in and says* Well, maybe he'll sing "Footloose!" *slams the door*
Me: *thinking, "What the hell?"* *I roll down my window* Amanda!
Amanda: *she stops and comes back to the car*
Me: Kenny Rogers, not Kenny Loggins!
Amanda: Oh. Well, who is Kenny Rogers?
Me: The Gambler?? "Islands in the Stream?"
Amanda: Oh. You don't tell anyone about this.

Last night I was trying to explain to my grandma about some weird numerical phenomenon that would be occurring later that night.
Me: So, if you stay up until 1 a.m., and three seconds after the second minute, it'll be the fourth month, fifth day of the sixth year.
Grams: *looks blankly at me*
Me: Look. *writing it on paper* It'll be 1:02:03 a.m. on 4/05/06.
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me*
Me: Come on! It's 01.02.03.04.05.06!
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me, bites an orange slice*
Me: Don't you think that's funny?
Grams: I guess.
Me: *sigh* You're a tough ol' biddy to impress.
Grams: True dat.**

**Grams didn't actually say "true dat," but if she had, my life would have been complete.