Funny cuz it's true

Check out someecards.com. Huh-larious. Here are some of my favorites. (These are incredibly tame compared to the majority of the cards on the site. Just a little friendly warning.)

Oh, look. It's me.

L-O-V-E spells LOVE!

Dragonfly. Locket. Gold. What's not to love? $25.

Genius, I tell you!

This chick should money, honey. What a unique and cute idea! Car litter bag, $19. Comes with a roll of biodegradable baggies.

Hmph

Dear Overpaid Idiot Doctors,

How about you give a correct diagnosis? Or are you boycotting decent medical practices? When you examine a 3-year-old's ears, don't freaking ignore the hard mass with a red outer ring that signifies an ear infection. After three and a half hours that consist of two five-minute nebulizer treatments and one 10-minute X-ray and ignoring the patient the rest of the time, don't tell the mother that her daughter has neither asthma nor pneumonia, then have a nurse come in to explain the medications for pneumonia ... to only have another doctor two days later confirm that the daughter indeed has asthma!

And, new doctor, thanks for the diagnosis, but don't send the mother to the pharmicist for more prescriptions without explaining how to mix them, in what quantity, and how to use the new nebulizer that the three-year-old must now have at home, thereby pissing off the pharmicist.

And to the rest of you medical people, don't just freaking start doing tests and walk in and out of the room without explaining who you are and, most important, what the importance of the tests are! Would it hurt you to take 30 seconds to explain what the crap you're doing? You're this close to making me think Tom Cruise is sane.

Love, April

Funny even in my dreams

I dreamed last night that I was in class and that David Cook from American Idol was in the class for one day. I kept cracking him up, and he kept giving me The Look.



Delish. After he left, he sent a note thanking all of us for being so cool. He said he'd made some friends (for some reason this meant the females) and some mates (this was meant in the British way and meant for the guys). After the letter was read out loud, I said, "Oh, man. I wanted to be his mate!" *wink* And everyone laughed, cuz I meant the dirty kind of mate.

Then I woke up with my own version of Billie Jean in my head:

David Cook is not my lover;
he's just a guy that I'd like to scromp.
But Archuletta's not my type.

Poor little pumpkin

Jersey's been sick again. It seems to happen regularly. She starts coughing and weezing. It got kinda bad last night, so this morning Amanda and I took her to Urgent Care. She had to have two nebulizer treatments.



It didn't hurt at all. She just had to keep the mask on and breathe normally. The treatment is meant to open her lungs more. Jersey was very good and kept ever so still during each five-minute treatment.



That was not the case in between treatments or when we awaited the results of the chest X-rays. Thank goodness I had the foresight to bring my trusty Nintendo DS so the Werz could play Super Mario Bros. because we were there FOR.EV.ER.



In fact, after waiting another 30 minutes at the pharmacy to fill her three prescriptions (the doctor said it wasn't pneumonia, a nurse said it was ... so who knows?), a dinner at China Buffet and ice cream that she didn't even eat, Jerz conked out on the drive home. (She was awake long enough to see the double rainbows, though!)

Mmm ... Darcy.

Love those sideburns, Fitzy. Meow!

Hodgepodge for $300, Alex.

Did anyone else notice that sign in the audience that read "Cougars for David Cook" on American Idol? I might not be old enough to be a cougar, but I approve that message. Oh, DC. So delish. Remember when you auditioned and I told my family that you were my pick for the American Idol? And that I totally wanted to make out with you? Those words are still true today.

I usually avoid commenting on things that happen at work, but I had an experience yesterday that really ticked me off. A certain someone gets really defensive when I proof their writing and several times now has come up to me with a red face and somewhat angrily insisted that their way was right or that I was being inconsistent with what I had previously corrected. (I wasn't. I was very clear on my instructions.) While I disagreed, I maintained a pleasant attitude and tried to gently state my intentions. Yesterday, I proofed a couple of the person's articles and noted many, many instances of using partial quotes--taking only a few words or phrase of an interviewee's quote and placing it in the middle of the reporter's sentence. Once, I can see. Twice? Maybe. But this was several times in two articles. I made changes. The person objected in a very defensive (and loud!) manner. I told this person that she/he needed to be careful about using partial quotes and that it was better not to use them (as practiced and preached by the Associated Press). The person interrupted with a claim to have already spoken to the publisher and exclaimed "That's just good writing!" Well, no, it isn't. Taking just a few words of someone's quote is discouraged because it can be taken out of context. If you only like a little bit, or if only a little bit is truly quotable/publishable, here's a thought: PARAPHRASE. All that red ink on the story that shows mistakes/bad grammar/punctuation? That's not good writing. It's sloppy. As evidenced by our boss standing over my shoulder reading your story, shaking his/her head and saying, "This isn't good." (Also, I'm not a journalist because I choose not to be, not because I don't know how to write.)

On the phone last night with Kristen:
Me: Did you see Laura invited me to come visit her place?
Kristen: WHO?
Me: Laura Llew.
Kristen: To her place?
Me: Yup.
Kristen: Her actual house?
Me: Yup. She said I could even sleep on her couch!
Kristen: Wha? *panic* Why are I not invited?!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Kristen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*five minutes of laughter later*
Me: What kind of English was that?
Kristen: I think I sprained my throat from laughing.
(We're now seriously looking into costs of flight vs. driving.)

(later)
Kristen: My parents keep asking me how I know Towr.
Me: Oh, yeah?
Kristen: "How do you know her? Did you go to college with her?" No, Mom. "Did you work with her?" No, Mom. "Well, how do you know her?" *sighs deeply* So then I just said, "I know her through April."
Me: ha! My grandparents kept asking me how I knew her, too. So I just said "Well, she's staying at Kristen's house, so I'm just going to visit."
*silence*
Me: And we're almost 30.
Kristen: Oh, brother.

Jersey, outside with Gram. They see a heavy-set woman walk outside next door.
Jersey: Hey, Gram. Look at that big fat woman!
Gram: No, Jersey, we don't say that. What if someone said that about Mama or Gram?
Jersey: No. *shakes head seriously* I just say, "Hey, Gram, look at that big fat bug!"

Gram reading a story to Jersey before bedtime. The book is about hands and all the things they can do.
Gram: *reading* These hands are gentle. They can pick up a kitten.
Jersey: *holds up her own hands and waves them a bit* Well, these hands can slap.

Twilight, the movie

I have watched the teaser trailer for Twilight like 10 times now. Can't. Freaking. Wait!



Kristen Stewart is freaking perfect as Bella. I wasn't sold on Robert Pattinson (he played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies) as Edward, but this trailer has completely solidified him in my mind as the perfect 17-year-old vampire. Hurry up, December! I need to see this movie! (I know Laura Llew, at least, is with me on this!)

So last week I got to meet Towr. Though I was sick for most of the week and only got to spend Monday afternoon/evening and Tuesday morning getting to know her, it was enough to know she's awesome. Now that she's gone, life is boring again. This must be how Krista felt the days after meeting Johnny Depp.

Highlights:
* Kristen's Richard Nixon impression, followed by Donald Trump impressions.
* Battling Towr at Guitar Hero (me on easy, she on hard).
* Towr and me versus Kristen and Kate at Cranium (and me having Towr listen in as Kate hummed the Buddy Holly song cuz I only knew one line).
* The drive-by canning at McDonald's.
* Kate inviting me back to Kristen's house to play my SingStar! game. hahaha

I finally finished my short story that I've been working on forever. And by finished, I mean now I have a ton of revisions to do. I have my next writers group meeting tomorrow night, so I'll get their opinions (along with the awesome feedback from dear RC Cola) and start reworking. A local "famous" author came into the library yesterday while I was working on my next story, and a co-worker introduced me to her. My co-worker bragged about my writing (which was highly embarrassing because it's just a story, nothing fabulous), so then the author was telling me to submit it to Reader's Digest. No offense, but Reader's Digest? Seriously? I don't think so.

I saw Iron Man yesterday with my uncle Don. It was pretty darn good. My apologies to RC and K-Lo, as when I read their comments that Robert Downey Jr. was sexy, I scoffed and shook my head. The movie certainly changed my mind. Meow, sir!

Yes, I *was* in need of a new crush.

I love scary movies.

What's more, I love Scott Speedman.

Put 'em together, and you have a happy April.

Linky linky!

I really love this Web site, which features prints by annejulie. Beautiful pictures. This one is my favorite, inspired by the witch in Neil Gaiman's Stardust. It's titled La Sorciere Noire (The Black Witch).

Look! An ode to Jim from The Office!

Awww. She looks like my little Jersey! This is from the same site as Jim. In fact, there's tons more prints inspired by pop culture. Check it out!

Your daily cute

The circus came to town today. Aaron took Aaliyah and Amanda took Jersey for their first glimpse of circus life, complete with elephants. Aaliyah fell asleep. haha

I let Amanda borrow my camera, but she's apparently really terrible at photography. They're all blurry. But here are some shots of the girls after Auntie April came over later in the afternoon. Grandma (my mom) had found an old trampoline that she used to use for excercise. Now it's for toddler-cise.

Don't you wish you had this kind of exuberance?

I don't know if she was in the middle of a sneeze or what, but Jersey's face cracks me up.

Aaliyah Bediah (kinda like Amelia Bedelia)

Ready for a trip down the slide ...

And climbing right back up again!

Jersey's new Scooby-Doo that her mama bought her at the circus. She carried it around all afternoon ... even down the slide!

It was a good day.

"There's something strange in the neighborhood..."

There were multiple local UFO sightings Monday evening. No shizz. My friend Pete at the newspaper where I used to work accompanied a reporter to sketch what witnesses had seen. Here is his awesome artist's rendering:




And on Tuesday evening, my aunt Barb and I went to a local library for an author's presentation. His name is Chad Lewis, and he's co-author of a line of books that feature haunted locations in various states. I purchased a copy of The Wisconsin Road Guide to Haunted Locations. It breaks up the state into different regions and gives both local lore of locations, plus the actual history and results of any investigation they did. Big shock, most of the ghost stories end up having no factual evidence to support their claims. I guess that just makes it all the more special when the authors/investigators do find unexplained phenomena.

Lewis' presentation was interesting. He had a slide show highlighting stories around the Indianhead region. My aunt and I were two of the most normal people who showed up. And why, WHY do I always end up sitting in front of freaking big-mouthed idiots? Whether it's at a concert, the movie theatre, etc., the person(s) behind me always pisses me off. Throughout the author's presentation, Gabby McShutYourPieHole flapped her lips to her friend Rudie VanJerkface.

Last Sunday, my sister and I went to an auction/concert to benefit a local library and senior center in its need to combine forces and inhabit one building. In the silent auction, I had the winning bid on a locomotive ride for two. It's only about an 8-mile ride, but I'm taking Jersey because she gets so excited every time she hears a train go by.

Truly, truly, truly outrageous!

Dude. You know what I miss? Jem and the Holograms. That was like the best cartoon ever. And as much as I loved Jem, I think it's funny that I ended up with a Stormer doll. Storm was in The Misfits, arch rivals of the Holograms. I wish I still had that doll. I don't know what I'd do with it. Maybe put it on my desk at work, just for the hell of it. A daily reminder to be a little more misfit-y. (That's totally a word.)

And now, an open letter to John Mayer

This morning, I woke from a lucious dream where I had been dating John Mayer. He was very sweet and funny and wonderful. Which made waking up more miserable than normal. Then as I brushed my teeth and began the morning ritual of making myself presentable to the world, I formulated a letter to JM in my head. I snorted in laughter several times. Then I thought, I should post it on my blog! Because, really, what the hell else am I going to blog about? This may even be the first in a series of open letters to my dream boyfriend. Prepare thyselves.

Dear John Mayer,

You don't know me, but we had a totally awesome relationship in my dream last night. We held hands and shared an ice cream cone, which equals true love. Now, I know you don't really know me, but that hasn't stopped me from envisioning our first date.

We would meet in some neutral area, or possibly some place predetermined by your staff members to avoid cameras and publicity. You would be hot, of course. I would be ... uh ... well, I'd show up! We would shake hands, and my face would be bright red and I'd look down a lot because I'd be painfully shy. I would most likely stammer as I tried desperately to think of something witty to say. Then I would apply chapstick 13 times as it's a nervous habit.

Awesome, right? Let's continue to our conversation. I know you're wondering what we could possibly have to say to each other. Let's just assume that I've already told you how much I love your music and how it's the only music I turn to when I need to feel understood. I will bite my lip to keep from mentioning the green swimsuit debacle. (I still haven't determined whether it's hot or not. Funny, yes. Hot? I better go look at it some more.)

We may continue talking about music for a while as we're getting to know each other. I would suggest that you listen to some of my current faves, like Andrew Bird and Margot and the Nuclear So & So's. Then we might chat about blogging, since we have that in common. I'd tell you how I wrote on my blog about my friend Krista and I at your Valentine's Day concert in '07. I would refrain from mentioning that I was surly because Jessica Simpson had also been in attendance.

As we get more comfortable with each other, you'd tease me about all the times I've written about you on my blog. (Seriously, I'm a little embarrassed. Just type in "John Mayer" in the search blog box at the top of the screen.) I'd playfully slap your arm, then my face would turn bright red again, and an internal discussion would frantically begin in my head. "Oh, my God, I just touched John Mayer! Don't smirk, don't smirk! But he's so warm and boy-y. Must touch again. DON'T DO IT!" And on it would go. It's tough being a girl.

I would change the subject and ask if you've ever played SingStar on Playstation 2. If you hadn't, I would then proceed to tell you how awesome it is. If you had, I'd compare which songs were fun, which sucked, and which made everyone crack up with laughter.

We may talk about more serious things. I'd nod a lot at things you say and repeat "Exactly!" I may even mutter buzz words such as "economy" and "health care" to make you think I totally knew world events. Not because I want to deceive you, but because I don't want you to walk away from the experience thinking I was a complete idiot.

And oh, how we would make each other laugh. Be careful, John Mayer, not to snort with laughter as you drink something. I've ruined many a person's shirt due to my ill-timed hilarity.

I don't know where we would go from there, but I think that's a lovely start to a first meeting, don't you? Perhaps you can fill me in (that's what she said!) on how the rest of the evening would go.

Until the next dream-inspired letter,
love,
April

"I put a map up on my ceiling to fight that lonely feeling."

Some of you know this by now because I've whined enough about it, but for the rest of you, here's a little bit of news. My hours at the newspaper were drastically cut, so now I'm down to fewer than 15, probably. Which means I had to pick up shifts at my old job (the one I quit because of the hours I was promised at the newspaper). Three jobs, people. Three.


I won't go into detail about the happenings at the newspaper, other than three new people have been hired and one of them gets my desk. Essentially, there's no room for me.


So today I started back at the CA library for my first shift since leaving last fall. It's a bummer, to say the least, especially since I was able to walk back and forth to work with the other jobs. Now I have to drive 8 miles.


I complain about working in a library, but there are things I enjoy about it. I like being the first to know about new books, and I really like helping people find books to read by authors other than Nicholas Sparks. Or ones that Oprah has told them to read. I enjoy researching answers to reference questions and finding that desired item from another library system.


However, there are many more things that I greatly dislike. Such as the crowd of junior high kids who converge upon the computers and shriek and scuffle and harrass each other. Or stare blankly at me when I say hello. Or the adults who stink to high heaven, either before or after using the bathroom for half an hour. The demands on my time to show them how to use Yahoo! Messenger (I refuse to do it anymore) or how to create an e-mail account. The stupid questions for which I simply have no response: "What's my e-mail password?" "Can you type this up for me?" "Why can't you just buy it on eBay for me with your credit card and I'll pay you in cash?" Because, Amish man, that's not what your librarian is for.


I'd love to find a full-time job and move someplace new, really I would. I'm not afraid of starting over or being in a place where I don't know anyone. (I secretly fantasize about it all the time.) I am afraid, however, of what will happen to my grandparents if I leave. And what would I do without Jersey in my life? What if I move to some new state and no one ever comes to visit? What if they all forget about me? What if I hate it there as much as I hate it here?

So true. So true.

And my life is complete again

New Kids on the Block have reunited, my friends.

A new era is upon us.

"Step by Step! Oh, baby! Gonna get to you girrrrrrl!"

So, I'm 29 and single. What's a girl to do on the weekend? Well, play SingStar on your Play Station 2, of course!





I hauled all my equipment (game unit, cords, microphones, etc.) over to my mom's house on Saturday. Amanda, Mom, John (her bf), me, and Jersey all took turns battling our way through '90s songs. Some songs you think will be really easy, like "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas or "Opposites Attract," by Paula Abdul, but it isn't enough to just get the words right. Your voice has to match exactly the pitch, tone and rhythm to get the high scores.

I have both SingStar '80s and '90s, but we all had more fun with the '90s game. Check out some of these classic hits:

• Natalie Imbruglia--Torn
• Nirvana--Lithium
• Vanilla Ice--Ice Ice Baby
• NKOTB--Step By Step
• Boyz II Men--Motownphilly
• Soundgarden--Black Hole Sun
• Stone Temple Pilots--Plush

If you stink, you get booed and labeled tone deaf. If you aren't too shabby, you might be dubbed a rising star. If you rock Hootie and the Blowfish's "I Only Wanna Be With You," like I did, you'll be branded a SingStar.

I'd love to stay and write more, but my hand is itching for a microphone.

I'm a big kid now!

Because I got this sexy new LG Scoop phone from Alltel ... in turquoise, of course. Jealous?

Oh, colorful pretties, how you bewitch me.

This adorable purse is in pink and black alligator print with pink leather trim. At $135, it's out of my price range, but it makes me yearn.

A word owl! This would be fun on my bookshelf. Or my writing desk. If I had one. But it's $35, and I think I could make it myself.

I've never been a big fan of sock monkeys, but who could resist this nerdy guy? And at an affordable $14 no less!

Her name is Aprella, and I believe she needs to be hanging on my bedroom wall. A mere $20, she would bring youth and brightness to my spinster darkness.

Jersey, who is 3-1/2 years old, is a big fan of Scooby-Doo. Unfortunately, she's also a big fan of KISS, due to my mother and her boyfriend's influence.

Imagine, then, Jersey's delight at an episode of Scooby-Doo that features the hard rock band. She has watched this episode, according to her mother, "42,ooo times."

This morning before heading off to school, Jerz took it upon herself to turn into a Gene Simmons demon, courtesy of a greenmarker. Note the extended tongue. And her hair is just naturally Simmons-esque.

Amanda took a washcloth to her daughter's face. Jersey: "It's okay, Mama, you can wash it off. Being a demon makes me frustrated."

It does, indeed.

Good brother*, indeed.

I have to share this story that was on the front page of a local newspaper (not mine). Why must I share it? Three reasons: 1) It's ridiculous, 2) it's hilarious, and 3) it involves Jersey's idiot father. I'm not going to put their full names, as I don't need stalkers. Just enjoy this story.

Charges real after 'Deal or No Deal'

A recent TV episode of "Deal or No Deal" turned rowdy for those watching the game show from the BC jail when one inmate's commentary enraged another inmate, eventually leading to last week's filing of a felony battery charge.

The incident, which fell along racial lines, began the evening of Feb. 6 when jail inmates were watching "Deal or No Deal."

According to county records, 19-year-old inmate DG told authorities that he and other inmates had suggested that a black contestant on the game show should take the "deal" she was offered, but they later made fun of her for not taking the "deal." (Gratuitous quotation marks from the article, not me.)

The 19-year-old inmate, who is serving jail time for multiple criminal damage to property convictions, said he then commented to the others that the black college student had probably never seen that kind of money before in her life. That was when a black inmate allegedly walked up to DG and hit him in the face twice.

Another inmate told law enforcement that DG never used a racial slur in the incident and didn't believe his comments were racially motivated.

VLD, 35, is due for his initial court appearance March 12 before Judge So-and-So on the felony charge of battery by a prisoner. The offense carries a maximum penalty of 6 years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000.

An officer reported that DG had red marks on the left side of his face following the alleged battery.

The inmate charged with battery is Jersey's father, the low-life. But honestly, how ridiculous can you get? Slapping someone over "Deal or No Deal" comments? (Although, my mom is sticking up for him, saying it wouldn't surprise her if all the other white inmates were lying about there not being any racial comments. Still, lame.)

*I've combined my frequent exasperation comments "Good Lord" and "Oh, brother" to "Good brother." Speedy and funny!

I fell on the ice yesterday. Hard. My knees hit first, then they slipped and I was thrown forward. My arms caught most of the fall, though I did hit the side of my face. Oh, no no no. Don't rush to my side, van driver. I'd hate for you to be inconvenienced. Bastard. I'm really sore today. :(

Yesterday in the car, Jersey kicked off her winter boot.
Me: *annoyed* "What did you do that for? That was a pretty foolish thing to do if you ask me."
Pause.
Jersey: "But...I didn't ask you."
Amanda: "HAHAHAHAHAHA."
Jersey: "That woodpecker is woodpeckering."

Five don'ts and a Jersey classic

DON'T name your book "Blizzard of Lead."


DON'T tattoo the word "hate" across your knuckles.


DON'T sit on the computer for three hours creating a goth avatar.


DON'T let your 4-year-old daughter wear a white, bedazzled hat sideways.


DON'T bypass the mat at the front door, then vigorously wipe your muddy boots on the library carpet.

Jersey, before throwing a penny into the "wishing" water fountain at the mall: "Um, I wish...I would let April buy me a swimming pool."

"Don't pop your collar, Mannequin."

Above quote from Kristen as we rode an escalator past a mannequin whose preppy shirt had a popped collar. And I couldn't quit laughing about it for the rest of the weekend.

So, I went with Kate and Kristen to the Mall of America Saturday, so that Kristen could meet her lawyer boy for the first time. I won't spill details that aren't mine to spill, but I think you can get a general idea of how it went when she broke out with a line from Hamlet, "I was the more deceived."

At Barnes & Noble, I made a clerk get a case of the giggles. I was paying for a cd when she asked if I had a B&N member card. Kristen swiftly said, "Yes, you do!" and dove for her purse. She rummaged around for a while. "Remember?" she said. "You wanted me to hold onto it for you?"

"Oh, yeah," I replied. "That was nice of you to do that for me. I'm always losing it."

"Oh, wait," she said after searching her wallet. "I forgot that I put it in your special pouch in my purse."

I looked at the clerk with raised eyebrows, then muttered out of the side of my mouth, "Don't ever say 'your special pouch again.'"

The clerk actually spit a little as she started laughing. She kept turning away, giggling. Then she goes, "You two sound like my friends."

See, world? We're not outsiders! We're just hilarious.

Also, after months of pressuring Kristen to watch an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," she finally allowed me to play the pilot episode of season one . . . and made me leave the entire season for her to watch. And she's already finished it and Netflix'd the second season! haha

Other highlights of the weekend include:

*Playing "Who would you rather do?" with Kristen and Kate in the car, with questions ranging from the horrible (Carrot Top vs. Louie Anderson) to the hilarious (Danny Tanner vs. Joey Gladstone).

*Talking to The Other White Rachel on the phone for the first time to tell her about Kristen's meeting with lawyer boy. She has a sexy voice, by the way.

*Chocolate from the Godiva chocolate shop at MOA. Strawberry cheesecake dipped in chocolate. Oh, mama.

Hey, kids! Guess what time it is? Letters and conversations time!


Dear dryer sheet,
Don't hide in my sweater sleeve and then pop out when I'm talking to my boss.
Love, April


Dear criminal masterminds,
If you want to remain uncaught, don't be an idiot and leave your cell phone at the crime scene. Hope you're prosecuted to the full extent of the law! (And you'd better give up the names of the accomplices, bastardo!)
Love, April


Gmail chat with Kristen
Me: I even ate an apple yesterday! *gasp*
Kristen: *falls to the floor dead*
Me: lol I get your house and Stella! (her cat)
Kristen: *comes back from the dead* No. *dies again*
Me: Fine. See if I go to your funeral.
Kristen: *comes back from the dead again* Do it. *dies once more*
Me: Drama queen.
Kristen: I try.

Library lovers, prepare yourselves

Vandals broke into our library last Monday evening, as well as two other businesses within a half-block radius. Small fires were set in the building where paper bundles are stored, but they burned themselves out. A law office had all of its machinery smashed, and a fire extinguisher was sprayed over everything.

At the library, we lost the copy machine (pictured below), three computers, shelving units, and an untold number of books when the miscreants smashed through the window in the front door.



These shelving units were knocked over, rendering them unusable. Rows and rows of books were thrown to the floor, as were all the audio books. Holes were kicked into walls and doors. The women's room toilet was smashed. The lid to the men's room toilet was smashed over the sink, causing a steady leak from the faucet.



A reading bench in the children's room was used as a battering ram, we assume in the hopes of smashing the new windows that had been installed after last summer's break-ins. However, the casing was too narrow for the width of the bench, so those windows remain unharmed. Money was taken, of course. But worst of all, those bastards smeared, wiped, and ground in dog crap almost everywhere you can think of: countertops, books, shelves, carpeting.



We were closed until Saturday, busy working to regain some order. Carpets were professionally cleaned, electricians and handymen were in to help. Dedicated volunteers came in to help clean what they could, desensitizing any materials that had been on the floor (anything with actual feces on it was immediately disposed of), alphabetizing and reshelving books onto already packed shelves and onto our temporary, makeshift shelving space. And the community has been wonderful. There have been so many calls and so many people dropping by, wanting to be put to work, making donations (money or food) or just sending condolences. The support of these people has made all the difference in the world.

There haven't been any arrests yet, but the police have a few names they're looking into (particularly, apparently, at one who I thought of immediately upon hearing about the break-in). We most likely won't get to hear the names of the people responsible; they're probably all under 16. Ah, justice.

"Pills enough to make me feel ill, cash enough to make me well."

My mom had a hysterectomy last Thursday. It was a pretty stressful day, what with me making three trips to and from the hospital for various reasons beyond my control (that's approximately 96 miles total).

AND some random woman in the restroom decided she just had to lecture me about the bottled water I had with me.

AND my mother wasn't taken into surgery until about two hours after they'd originally planned, and no one came to tell me when I was all panicky, staring at the clock and worrying about the time.

AND while she was in the recovery room I decided to go to the DMV to check the status on my driver's license, which, (long story short) expired two years ago. I KNOW! Don't even comment. Just. Don't. And when I demanded an answer about why my license continually showed up as "valid" on the DMV Web site, the guy just mumbled an "I don't know" through his mammoth mustache.

In other news, my former professor finally gave the official okay to be his book typesetter. AND he upped his paying price! Woot! I also gave up fried foods and pop (soda, to the rest of the country) for Lent. I'm doing really well, too! While I do crave my Diet Pepsi sometimes, I make do with water. I prefer the flavored water because it tricks my mind into thinking I'm having something delish instead of something nutrish.

What did you give up for Lent? Or, for you sexy noncomformists out there, which new year's resolutions are you still working on?

I've been tagged!

No, not by a game warden, you jerks. By the lovely and always funny Marie. So, here are seven random things you may not know about me.

1) In fifth grade, I wrote a book (well, eight pages bound between yellow plastic) about a girl who dyes her beehive hairdo seven crazy colors and searches for acceptance, finally gaining it from a penguin and some other odd character that I've now forgotten. Oh, and I think I named the hair salon Curl Up & Dye.

2) I've always hated the singer Tiffany (the mall queen) because she briefly dated Jon Knight, of New Kids on the Block. (I'd still do him.)

3) Once when I was in kindergarten, the school was cancelled mid-day due to a blizzard. My school bus dropped me off at my house, out in the country, and my parents were at work. No one contacted them. I had to crawl into the doghouse, where I kept warm by Black Dog (yeah, that was his name) lying on top of me. He wouldn't let me out until my parents finally got home.

4) I was awesome on a pogo ball. Fo rizzle. I could do all sorts of tricks on it: spins, jumps, flips, the bunny hop. That's right, the bunny hop.

5) I practice the jokes and stories I'd tell if I was ever a guest on the Conan O'Brien show. (Like you don't do the same thing.) Conan would love me. He'd totally ask me to hang out with him and other cool famous people after the taping. Oh, and I'd tell Max Weinberg to shut it, cuz he's freaking lame.

6) I have watched the soap opera Days of Our Lives since I was a little girl, with exceptions. Obviously I couldn't watch during school days in high school, but I've always at least known the current storylines. I look forward to Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, cuz those are the days I get a lunch break at home so I can watch.

7) I'd love to write for a sitcom. Or write a screenplay that translate into this little sleeper hit, indie film.

I'm not going to tag anyone else. But if you'd like to write seven things about yourself, let me know because I'd love to read it!

I have been hunkered down in my room lately, alternating between watching awesome TV shows and reading books. Oh, and playing Nintendo DS. I just finished season one of Arrested Development (excellent), and I'm now on season one of How I Met Your Mother (freaking hilarious).

Ah, so this is why I don't drink much hot chocolate ... it coats my tongue and gives me a headache.

I hope something awesome happens soon. My life is really, really blah lately. I don't get to meet Johnny Depp like Krista does, none of the presidential candidates, I'm sure, will campaign near me, there are no cute boys to have crushes on. *sigh* BO-RING.

So yesterday? This total douchebag van driver peeled out in the alley as I was walking past on the sidewalk, and the van tires threw this big wave of snow at me. Stupid idiot van driver.

If I was cooler, I'd send out these cards for Valentine's Day. But I'm not.

"For you it's goodbye, for me it's to cry, for whom the bell tolls."

Heath Ledger, 1979-2008



God, I loved him. I really did.

When my uncle, Brad, moved to California in 2002, I had one request: "If you ever meet Heath Ledger, tell him I love him!"

It wasn't long after he made his move that, as he and a friend drove through LA, Brad spotted a sign adverising an autograph signing with Heath. He made his friend turn around, and Brad stood in line for 45 minutes to get an autographed photo for me. It's matted and framed and has hung on my bedroom wall for more than 5 years now. This is a replica of the one I have:

Last Friday, my co-worker Ray and I were talking about how excited we were about the upcoming Batman movie, Dark Knight. I told him that my favorite thing about Heath is that, no matter what role he takes on, he just becomes that character. You never watch and think, "That's Heath Ledger playing that guy." He's just the character. That's really rare, I think. Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise no matter what role he plays. Same with Mel Gibson, Jim Carrey, Bruce Willis, any leading male actor you can think of.

I wondered how many times I've personally blogged about him. His name popped up four times on this blog. I checked my first blog, and I stopped counting after the seventh post that featured him.

If I, a person who has never actually met the man, have been touched that much by his life and death, I can't imagine the heartbreak his family and close friends must be suffering.

Well, hello, men in my dreams.

So, lately I've been having some star-studded dreams, starring studs.

First up was the delicious, yet dearly departed, Brad Renfro. I don't remember much, but I had just watched Ghost World in memorium, so that's probably why he made his appearance.

Next was a first-time dream Romeo, Mr. Ryan Hansen, whose starred in such awesome TV shows as Veronica Mars and ... uh ... Frankly, that's the only thing I know him from. I'm not normally a blond fan, but in my dream I made a smart-ass comment to someone, and Ryan nodded approvingly. When I woke up, I was like, "Meow, Dick Casablancas. Meow."



Then last night my sexy standby John Mayer made another appearance. We were both at Shopko, and he leaned up against a shelving unit and gave me a pick-up line. Something about how I should come over to his shopping cart sometime. It was hilarious.



Ah, boys.

Brad Renfro, dead at 25

My sister and I looooooved Brad Renfro.

He was a great actor, starting with his 1996 role in The Client. Who doesn't remember that movie? And after that, one of my favorite sappy movies, The Cure. Major tear-jerker.

Speaking of tear-jerkers, the dark but amazing Sleepers had plenty of air-time at my house. God, that movie was fantastic, despite its horrifying subject.

And there's plenty of movies that he's been in that I haven't even gotten around to yet, and some I should reconsider (Ghost World). I think I'll have a Renfro weekend in memorium.

I know a semi-celebrity!

One of my co-workers, the graphically gifted Ray Kaselau, recently had his original artwork selected for the cover of a cookbook to benefit a Barack Obama fund-raiser. Congrats to Ray. Here's a picture of the cookbook.

Interested parties can check out the Web site here and download the cookbook for the reasonable suggested donation of $10.

As for me, until the nation says otherwise, Go, Hillary!

Birthday dreams and soapbox wishes

I gave Amanda her presents yesterday: Bath & Body Works miscellanea, a huge case of makeup, and a private performance of "Slow Ride" and "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." Shut it. I'm a beginner.

Then I gave her a makeover with her new makeup. And if I had remembered my USB cord, I could've posted a pic. Ah, well. She looked cute.

We had dinner at Culver's, where I avoided looking at the boy who had taken over my proofreading job after I quit at my former newspaper. (Also, I saw an ad for a proofreader at that same newspaper yesterday. So either he left or Sharon did, but I just saw her over Christmas and she didn't mention anything. Hmm... Mystery.) I ordered a cheddar burger, which was ginormous and undercooked. Grosssssss. Amanda had a tasty chicken salad sandwich. Stupid cheddar burger.

Of course, once we got to the theater, the movie we'd wanted to see, Enchanted, wasn't playing. Instead, we saw I Am Legend, and it was excellent! It was sad and suspenseful and scary. Once the credits were rolling, I showed my sister the napkin that I'd wrung into a tight roll during all the creepy parts. In turn, she opened her hand to show me the wadded up napkin she'd balled up during the scary parts, too! ha! We're such dorks. (Sidenote: Meow, Will Smith. Meow.)

We went shopping afterward, and I purchased Singstar. So when I'm finished with work today, Amanda's going to come over so we can do some lame karaoke of '80s songs. It'll be awesome!

Here are some unawesome things I've noticed lately that have annoyed me greatly:

~ People's disgusting body noises and odors. Just because I work in a public setting doesn't mean that I should have to be subjected to people's unwashed bodies. Yesterday at the library, this disgusting old man who is always there looking up chicks on Match.com, farted FIVE times. Loud, long, juicy ones that were inescapable and highly noticeable. Never apologized, never even acknowledged that it happened. Finally, my boss had to go over and ask him if he needed to use the bathroom. This is just inexcusable. Who the hell does things like this?? I'm still just so appalled and repulsed.

~ Swearing in public. Blah, blah, blah, freedom of speech, whatever. Have people forgotten how to carry on basic conversation without dropping the F-bomb? When did this happen, that people think it's no big deal to use obscenities and sex talk in front of children, the elderly, and just generally in a public setting? I don't understand. I mean, sure I swear, but I have an awareness of whose company I'm keeping. For the love of Pete, people! Let children maintain their innocence as long as possible! You bastards.

~ Maybe this is just a little petty, but this also ticks me off: since Kmart's One Hour Photo closed down, our local Wal-Mart's One Hour Photo price jumped from $6.99 for double prints to $9.99. That is outrageous, and this girl will not submit to strong-arming.

~ And finally, I'm so sick to death of the sense of entitlement that people seem to have these days. They think that whatever they want, they can have, regardless of any rules or policies that are in effect. And the lying!! Ugh. The lying to get what they want or to achieve what they want. "Why do I have a late fee? I dropped those movies off last night in the book drop. I'm not paying that fine." Uh, yes, you are. I watched you drop them in this morning after we'd already opened for the day, so you were a day late. (Plus, the neon pink sticker on the front of the movie clearly states "Do not put in book drop." You should be charged extra for not complying with that rule.) Don't freaking lie to me. I don't get it. Why is there so much lying? No wonder people have trust issues; no one can tell the truth.

"This is not a food baby, all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I am for shizz up the spout."

So, guess who got Guitar Hero III as a belated birthday present from her uncle? That's right, kids. ME. And I rock a mean "Slow Ride" by Foghat.

Last weekend on a semi-spur of the moment, I made a trip up to Superior to visit my favorite Kristen. We took in the movie Juno, which was MF awesome. I can't stop thinking about that movie. So good. Saturday night we went gambling with Kate and Kelly. It actually took longer to drive to the casino than for how long we were in the casino, but it was fun. I broke even playing the penny slots, Kelly I think doubled her fortune thanks to a Kenny Rogers machine, and Kate and Kristen apparently didn't know when to fold 'em. So we went back to Kristen's to play CatchPhrase and Boggle. Oh, and I bought these fortune telling cards at a toy shop in Duluth, so we messed around with our inner-gypsies, too. That sounded really bad, didn't it?

I also took a couple pictures of Kristen falling off the bed and knocking over a table, but she won't let me post them.

I also purchased my very own pink Nintendo DS Lite. Thank you, Target! For games, I went old school with Super Mario Bros. and Donkey Kong. Have been playing it nonstop since then.

A former professor of mine from college also recently contacted me about a book of his that is being re-released and expanded, and since he only uses a typewriter, he wants me to type it up on a computer and save it on a disk for him. First of all, he was my favorite prof of all time, so I consider it an honor that he still requested me for help. Second, hello, extra income! And hello, amazingly correct psychic! (Did I ever mention that I had a psychic reading last summer? No? Hmm. I'll have to blog about that someday.)

I'm now rewatching Season 3 of Veronica Mars, but I'm taking my time because I'm so sad that it's the end. Damn you, CW!!

Tomorrow is my sister's 24th birthday. We're gonna go see Enchanted since 27 Dresses isn't out yet.

Third annual book list

For the third consecutive year, I will be posting a list of all the books I have read over the past year. I managed to pack my highest number yet into 2007. Here's some help to understanding the list:
~Any title that's in blue print is a book that I highly recommend.
~Titles in green print will be books that were in audio format.
~Asterisks (*) mark books that are part of a series.
~Titles that are in bold have been reviewed on New Dork Times, my book blog.

Also, last year I invited readers to suggest a book for me to read. I had great intentions, but unfortunately, I didn't get to each one. Someday, maybe. For now, check out my book list. I hope you find some that will interest you!

1) Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding
2) Dead to the World, by Charlaine Harris*
3) Dead as a Doornail, by Charlaine Harris*
4) Definitely Dead, by Charlaine Harris*
5) The Long Chalkboard and Other Stories, by Jenny Allen
6) Secret Society Girl: An Ivy League Novel, by Diana Peterfreund
7) Stardust of Yesterday, by Lynn Kurland
8) Sickened, by Julie Gregory
9) Running With the Demon, by Terry Brooks
10) Sleeping With the Fishes, by Mary Janice Davidson
11) May Day, by Jess Lourey
12) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, by J.K. Rowling*
13) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, by J.K. Rowling*
14) Fangland, by John Marks
15) Love Overboard, by Janet Evanovich
16) Bloodsucking Fiends, by Christopher Moore*
17) I wrote down the date I finished it, 3/23/07, but forgot the title & author.
18) Five Men Who Broke My Heart, by Susan Shapiro
19) Autobiography of Red, by Anne Carson
20) You Suck, by Christopher Moore*
21) Burning Bright, by Tracy Chevalier
22) Dead and Dating, by Kimberly Raye*
23) The Stolen Child, by Keith Donahue
24) Dead and Dateless, by Kimberly Raye*
25) Something Borrowed, by Emily Giffin
26) Something Blue, by Emily Giffin
27) Baby Proof, by Emily Giffin
28) Fairest, by Gail Carson Levine
29) Heart-Shaped Box, by Joe Hill
30) Skinny Dip, by Carl Hiaasen
31) Undead and Unwed, by Mary Janice Davidson*
32) Undead and Unemployed, by Mary Janice Davidson*
33) All Together Dead, by Charlaine Harris*
34) Undead and Unappreciated, by Mary Janice Davidson*
35) Undead and Unreturnabale, by Mary Janice Davidson*
36) Undead and Unpopular, by Mary Janice Davidson*
37) The Society of S, by Susan Hubbard
38) The Nature of Monsters, by Clare Clark
39) Remembering Sarah, by Chris Mooney
40) Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye, by Victoria Laurie*
41) Walking on Ice, by Susan Hubbard
42) As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner
43) Lost and Found, by Carolyn Parkhurst
44) Body Surfing, by Anita Shreve
45) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling
46) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling (Not a typo. I actually read it again immediately after finishing the first time.)
47) Austenland, by Shannon Hale
48) Such a Pretty Girl, by Laura Wiess
49) Better Read Than Dead, by Victoria Laurie*
49) Undead and Uneasy, by Mary Janice Davidson*
50) Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyer*
51) Bridge to Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson
52) A Vision of Murder, by Victoria Laurie*
53) Killer Insight, by Victoria Laurie*
54) Labyrinth, by Kate Mosse
55) In the Woods, by Tana French
56) What's a Ghoul to do?, by Victoria Laurie
57) Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, by J.K. Rowling*
58) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, by J.K. Rowling*
59) Red Leaves, by Thomas Cook
60) Crime Seen, by Victoria Laurie*
61) Ask Again Later, by Jill A. Davis
62) An Ice Cold Grave, by Charlaine Harris*
63) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, by J.K. Rowling*
64) The Every Boy, by Dana Adam Shapiro
65) Ghost, by Alan Lightman
66) The Royal Treatment, by Mary Janice Davidson
67) Under the Rose, by Diana Peterfreund
68) Morrigan's Cross, by Nora Roberts*
69) Dance of the Gods, by Nora Roberts*
70) Valley of Silence, by Nora Roberts*
71) The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, by Kate DiCamillo
72) Stardust, by Neil Gaiman
73) The Year of Endless Sorrows, by Adam Rapp
74) The City of Ember, by Jeanne DuPrau
75) The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, by Maggie O'Farrell

Ah, memories

For a special edition to coordinate with our regularly published edition during Christmas week, the newspaper staff where I work was asked to write about our favorite Christmas memories. It took a couple of days to come up with something that was suitable for newsprint. Accompanying a picture of little April holding Papa Smurf and sitting on Santa's lap was the following story. Enjoy.

For most people, December invokes memories of hot chocolate in front of a fire, sleigh rides, and maybe even a Christmas carol or two. I'm not most people. The onslaught of dazzling garland, fancy ornaments and multicolored strands of lights adorning Christmas trees always make me remember a cold December evening involving two strangers and a lone pine tree.

It was the night of a holiday concert at my high school, and I was in my junior year. My friends Cara and Dave, self-proclaimed A/V geeks, had just finished filming the concert for school records, and then we were on our way to drop off Dave at his home out in the country. We made our way slowly, as the night was foggy and the roads were quite icy. About a quarter of a mile before Dave's house, near a Christmas tree farm, we saw two people standing along the side of the road, looking out into the fog as if they were waiting for someone. We left Dave safely at his house and made our slow return to town.

At the stop sign, Cara and I made sure we didn't see any oncoming headlights penetrating the fog, and we were just about to pull out when suddenly the back doors opened and the dome light came on. Two strange people, a young man and young woman, whom we later realized were the same two we'd seen earlier in front of the tree farm, hopped into the backseat. The man was frantically pulling a pine tree into the car. Cara and I stared in shock, my eyes meeting the startled gaze of the woman. She squeaked and jumped back out of the car. The man looked at us with both puzzlement and dread as he realized we apparently weren't the ride they had been waiting for. He shoved the tree back out, and he and the young woman disappeared into the fog.

The rest of the ride back to my house was punctuated with moments of laughter and bewilderment as we struggled to come to terms with the strange encounter. Had it really happened? Had they been figments of our imagination? The moment of truth was revealed when we opened the back doors and found a seat filled with fresh pine needles and an abandoned yellow flashlight.

So enjoy your candy-cane and mistletoe-filled memories. As for me, December will always call to mind visions of a cold, foggy night, good friends, and Christmas tree thieves.

Hope you enjoyed this very true story. My co-workers got a laugh, and I hope you did, too. A belated merry Christmas to you all, and good tidings in 2008!

"You guys, I'm hungry. I know when my stomach growls there's trouble."

I must have been really disappointed after opening all my presents last night that I didn't get Guitar Hero, because this morning I woke up with this Goonies quote on repeat in my mind:

"Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back."