Yes, I *was* in need of a new crush.

I love scary movies.

What's more, I love Scott Speedman.

Put 'em together, and you have a happy April.

Linky linky!

I really love this Web site, which features prints by annejulie. Beautiful pictures. This one is my favorite, inspired by the witch in Neil Gaiman's Stardust. It's titled La Sorciere Noire (The Black Witch).

Look! An ode to Jim from The Office!

Awww. She looks like my little Jersey! This is from the same site as Jim. In fact, there's tons more prints inspired by pop culture. Check it out!

Your daily cute

The circus came to town today. Aaron took Aaliyah and Amanda took Jersey for their first glimpse of circus life, complete with elephants. Aaliyah fell asleep. haha

I let Amanda borrow my camera, but she's apparently really terrible at photography. They're all blurry. But here are some shots of the girls after Auntie April came over later in the afternoon. Grandma (my mom) had found an old trampoline that she used to use for excercise. Now it's for toddler-cise.

Don't you wish you had this kind of exuberance?

I don't know if she was in the middle of a sneeze or what, but Jersey's face cracks me up.

Aaliyah Bediah (kinda like Amelia Bedelia)

Ready for a trip down the slide ...

And climbing right back up again!

Jersey's new Scooby-Doo that her mama bought her at the circus. She carried it around all afternoon ... even down the slide!

It was a good day.

"There's something strange in the neighborhood..."

There were multiple local UFO sightings Monday evening. No shizz. My friend Pete at the newspaper where I used to work accompanied a reporter to sketch what witnesses had seen. Here is his awesome artist's rendering:




And on Tuesday evening, my aunt Barb and I went to a local library for an author's presentation. His name is Chad Lewis, and he's co-author of a line of books that feature haunted locations in various states. I purchased a copy of The Wisconsin Road Guide to Haunted Locations. It breaks up the state into different regions and gives both local lore of locations, plus the actual history and results of any investigation they did. Big shock, most of the ghost stories end up having no factual evidence to support their claims. I guess that just makes it all the more special when the authors/investigators do find unexplained phenomena.

Lewis' presentation was interesting. He had a slide show highlighting stories around the Indianhead region. My aunt and I were two of the most normal people who showed up. And why, WHY do I always end up sitting in front of freaking big-mouthed idiots? Whether it's at a concert, the movie theatre, etc., the person(s) behind me always pisses me off. Throughout the author's presentation, Gabby McShutYourPieHole flapped her lips to her friend Rudie VanJerkface.

Last Sunday, my sister and I went to an auction/concert to benefit a local library and senior center in its need to combine forces and inhabit one building. In the silent auction, I had the winning bid on a locomotive ride for two. It's only about an 8-mile ride, but I'm taking Jersey because she gets so excited every time she hears a train go by.

Truly, truly, truly outrageous!

Dude. You know what I miss? Jem and the Holograms. That was like the best cartoon ever. And as much as I loved Jem, I think it's funny that I ended up with a Stormer doll. Storm was in The Misfits, arch rivals of the Holograms. I wish I still had that doll. I don't know what I'd do with it. Maybe put it on my desk at work, just for the hell of it. A daily reminder to be a little more misfit-y. (That's totally a word.)

And now, an open letter to John Mayer

This morning, I woke from a lucious dream where I had been dating John Mayer. He was very sweet and funny and wonderful. Which made waking up more miserable than normal. Then as I brushed my teeth and began the morning ritual of making myself presentable to the world, I formulated a letter to JM in my head. I snorted in laughter several times. Then I thought, I should post it on my blog! Because, really, what the hell else am I going to blog about? This may even be the first in a series of open letters to my dream boyfriend. Prepare thyselves.

Dear John Mayer,

You don't know me, but we had a totally awesome relationship in my dream last night. We held hands and shared an ice cream cone, which equals true love. Now, I know you don't really know me, but that hasn't stopped me from envisioning our first date.

We would meet in some neutral area, or possibly some place predetermined by your staff members to avoid cameras and publicity. You would be hot, of course. I would be ... uh ... well, I'd show up! We would shake hands, and my face would be bright red and I'd look down a lot because I'd be painfully shy. I would most likely stammer as I tried desperately to think of something witty to say. Then I would apply chapstick 13 times as it's a nervous habit.

Awesome, right? Let's continue to our conversation. I know you're wondering what we could possibly have to say to each other. Let's just assume that I've already told you how much I love your music and how it's the only music I turn to when I need to feel understood. I will bite my lip to keep from mentioning the green swimsuit debacle. (I still haven't determined whether it's hot or not. Funny, yes. Hot? I better go look at it some more.)

We may continue talking about music for a while as we're getting to know each other. I would suggest that you listen to some of my current faves, like Andrew Bird and Margot and the Nuclear So & So's. Then we might chat about blogging, since we have that in common. I'd tell you how I wrote on my blog about my friend Krista and I at your Valentine's Day concert in '07. I would refrain from mentioning that I was surly because Jessica Simpson had also been in attendance.

As we get more comfortable with each other, you'd tease me about all the times I've written about you on my blog. (Seriously, I'm a little embarrassed. Just type in "John Mayer" in the search blog box at the top of the screen.) I'd playfully slap your arm, then my face would turn bright red again, and an internal discussion would frantically begin in my head. "Oh, my God, I just touched John Mayer! Don't smirk, don't smirk! But he's so warm and boy-y. Must touch again. DON'T DO IT!" And on it would go. It's tough being a girl.

I would change the subject and ask if you've ever played SingStar on Playstation 2. If you hadn't, I would then proceed to tell you how awesome it is. If you had, I'd compare which songs were fun, which sucked, and which made everyone crack up with laughter.

We may talk about more serious things. I'd nod a lot at things you say and repeat "Exactly!" I may even mutter buzz words such as "economy" and "health care" to make you think I totally knew world events. Not because I want to deceive you, but because I don't want you to walk away from the experience thinking I was a complete idiot.

And oh, how we would make each other laugh. Be careful, John Mayer, not to snort with laughter as you drink something. I've ruined many a person's shirt due to my ill-timed hilarity.

I don't know where we would go from there, but I think that's a lovely start to a first meeting, don't you? Perhaps you can fill me in (that's what she said!) on how the rest of the evening would go.

Until the next dream-inspired letter,
love,
April

"I put a map up on my ceiling to fight that lonely feeling."

Some of you know this by now because I've whined enough about it, but for the rest of you, here's a little bit of news. My hours at the newspaper were drastically cut, so now I'm down to fewer than 15, probably. Which means I had to pick up shifts at my old job (the one I quit because of the hours I was promised at the newspaper). Three jobs, people. Three.


I won't go into detail about the happenings at the newspaper, other than three new people have been hired and one of them gets my desk. Essentially, there's no room for me.


So today I started back at the CA library for my first shift since leaving last fall. It's a bummer, to say the least, especially since I was able to walk back and forth to work with the other jobs. Now I have to drive 8 miles.


I complain about working in a library, but there are things I enjoy about it. I like being the first to know about new books, and I really like helping people find books to read by authors other than Nicholas Sparks. Or ones that Oprah has told them to read. I enjoy researching answers to reference questions and finding that desired item from another library system.


However, there are many more things that I greatly dislike. Such as the crowd of junior high kids who converge upon the computers and shriek and scuffle and harrass each other. Or stare blankly at me when I say hello. Or the adults who stink to high heaven, either before or after using the bathroom for half an hour. The demands on my time to show them how to use Yahoo! Messenger (I refuse to do it anymore) or how to create an e-mail account. The stupid questions for which I simply have no response: "What's my e-mail password?" "Can you type this up for me?" "Why can't you just buy it on eBay for me with your credit card and I'll pay you in cash?" Because, Amish man, that's not what your librarian is for.


I'd love to find a full-time job and move someplace new, really I would. I'm not afraid of starting over or being in a place where I don't know anyone. (I secretly fantasize about it all the time.) I am afraid, however, of what will happen to my grandparents if I leave. And what would I do without Jersey in my life? What if I move to some new state and no one ever comes to visit? What if they all forget about me? What if I hate it there as much as I hate it here?

So true. So true.

And my life is complete again

New Kids on the Block have reunited, my friends.

A new era is upon us.

"Step by Step! Oh, baby! Gonna get to you girrrrrrl!"

So, I'm 29 and single. What's a girl to do on the weekend? Well, play SingStar on your Play Station 2, of course!





I hauled all my equipment (game unit, cords, microphones, etc.) over to my mom's house on Saturday. Amanda, Mom, John (her bf), me, and Jersey all took turns battling our way through '90s songs. Some songs you think will be really easy, like "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas or "Opposites Attract," by Paula Abdul, but it isn't enough to just get the words right. Your voice has to match exactly the pitch, tone and rhythm to get the high scores.

I have both SingStar '80s and '90s, but we all had more fun with the '90s game. Check out some of these classic hits:

• Natalie Imbruglia--Torn
• Nirvana--Lithium
• Vanilla Ice--Ice Ice Baby
• NKOTB--Step By Step
• Boyz II Men--Motownphilly
• Soundgarden--Black Hole Sun
• Stone Temple Pilots--Plush

If you stink, you get booed and labeled tone deaf. If you aren't too shabby, you might be dubbed a rising star. If you rock Hootie and the Blowfish's "I Only Wanna Be With You," like I did, you'll be branded a SingStar.

I'd love to stay and write more, but my hand is itching for a microphone.

I'm a big kid now!

Because I got this sexy new LG Scoop phone from Alltel ... in turquoise, of course. Jealous?

Oh, colorful pretties, how you bewitch me.

This adorable purse is in pink and black alligator print with pink leather trim. At $135, it's out of my price range, but it makes me yearn.

A word owl! This would be fun on my bookshelf. Or my writing desk. If I had one. But it's $35, and I think I could make it myself.

I've never been a big fan of sock monkeys, but who could resist this nerdy guy? And at an affordable $14 no less!

Her name is Aprella, and I believe she needs to be hanging on my bedroom wall. A mere $20, she would bring youth and brightness to my spinster darkness.

Jersey, who is 3-1/2 years old, is a big fan of Scooby-Doo. Unfortunately, she's also a big fan of KISS, due to my mother and her boyfriend's influence.

Imagine, then, Jersey's delight at an episode of Scooby-Doo that features the hard rock band. She has watched this episode, according to her mother, "42,ooo times."

This morning before heading off to school, Jerz took it upon herself to turn into a Gene Simmons demon, courtesy of a greenmarker. Note the extended tongue. And her hair is just naturally Simmons-esque.

Amanda took a washcloth to her daughter's face. Jersey: "It's okay, Mama, you can wash it off. Being a demon makes me frustrated."

It does, indeed.

Good brother*, indeed.

I have to share this story that was on the front page of a local newspaper (not mine). Why must I share it? Three reasons: 1) It's ridiculous, 2) it's hilarious, and 3) it involves Jersey's idiot father. I'm not going to put their full names, as I don't need stalkers. Just enjoy this story.

Charges real after 'Deal or No Deal'

A recent TV episode of "Deal or No Deal" turned rowdy for those watching the game show from the BC jail when one inmate's commentary enraged another inmate, eventually leading to last week's filing of a felony battery charge.

The incident, which fell along racial lines, began the evening of Feb. 6 when jail inmates were watching "Deal or No Deal."

According to county records, 19-year-old inmate DG told authorities that he and other inmates had suggested that a black contestant on the game show should take the "deal" she was offered, but they later made fun of her for not taking the "deal." (Gratuitous quotation marks from the article, not me.)

The 19-year-old inmate, who is serving jail time for multiple criminal damage to property convictions, said he then commented to the others that the black college student had probably never seen that kind of money before in her life. That was when a black inmate allegedly walked up to DG and hit him in the face twice.

Another inmate told law enforcement that DG never used a racial slur in the incident and didn't believe his comments were racially motivated.

VLD, 35, is due for his initial court appearance March 12 before Judge So-and-So on the felony charge of battery by a prisoner. The offense carries a maximum penalty of 6 years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000.

An officer reported that DG had red marks on the left side of his face following the alleged battery.

The inmate charged with battery is Jersey's father, the low-life. But honestly, how ridiculous can you get? Slapping someone over "Deal or No Deal" comments? (Although, my mom is sticking up for him, saying it wouldn't surprise her if all the other white inmates were lying about there not being any racial comments. Still, lame.)

*I've combined my frequent exasperation comments "Good Lord" and "Oh, brother" to "Good brother." Speedy and funny!

I fell on the ice yesterday. Hard. My knees hit first, then they slipped and I was thrown forward. My arms caught most of the fall, though I did hit the side of my face. Oh, no no no. Don't rush to my side, van driver. I'd hate for you to be inconvenienced. Bastard. I'm really sore today. :(

Yesterday in the car, Jersey kicked off her winter boot.
Me: *annoyed* "What did you do that for? That was a pretty foolish thing to do if you ask me."
Pause.
Jersey: "But...I didn't ask you."
Amanda: "HAHAHAHAHAHA."
Jersey: "That woodpecker is woodpeckering."

Five don'ts and a Jersey classic

DON'T name your book "Blizzard of Lead."


DON'T tattoo the word "hate" across your knuckles.


DON'T sit on the computer for three hours creating a goth avatar.


DON'T let your 4-year-old daughter wear a white, bedazzled hat sideways.


DON'T bypass the mat at the front door, then vigorously wipe your muddy boots on the library carpet.

Jersey, before throwing a penny into the "wishing" water fountain at the mall: "Um, I wish...I would let April buy me a swimming pool."

"Don't pop your collar, Mannequin."

Above quote from Kristen as we rode an escalator past a mannequin whose preppy shirt had a popped collar. And I couldn't quit laughing about it for the rest of the weekend.

So, I went with Kate and Kristen to the Mall of America Saturday, so that Kristen could meet her lawyer boy for the first time. I won't spill details that aren't mine to spill, but I think you can get a general idea of how it went when she broke out with a line from Hamlet, "I was the more deceived."

At Barnes & Noble, I made a clerk get a case of the giggles. I was paying for a cd when she asked if I had a B&N member card. Kristen swiftly said, "Yes, you do!" and dove for her purse. She rummaged around for a while. "Remember?" she said. "You wanted me to hold onto it for you?"

"Oh, yeah," I replied. "That was nice of you to do that for me. I'm always losing it."

"Oh, wait," she said after searching her wallet. "I forgot that I put it in your special pouch in my purse."

I looked at the clerk with raised eyebrows, then muttered out of the side of my mouth, "Don't ever say 'your special pouch again.'"

The clerk actually spit a little as she started laughing. She kept turning away, giggling. Then she goes, "You two sound like my friends."

See, world? We're not outsiders! We're just hilarious.

Also, after months of pressuring Kristen to watch an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," she finally allowed me to play the pilot episode of season one . . . and made me leave the entire season for her to watch. And she's already finished it and Netflix'd the second season! haha

Other highlights of the weekend include:

*Playing "Who would you rather do?" with Kristen and Kate in the car, with questions ranging from the horrible (Carrot Top vs. Louie Anderson) to the hilarious (Danny Tanner vs. Joey Gladstone).

*Talking to The Other White Rachel on the phone for the first time to tell her about Kristen's meeting with lawyer boy. She has a sexy voice, by the way.

*Chocolate from the Godiva chocolate shop at MOA. Strawberry cheesecake dipped in chocolate. Oh, mama.

Hey, kids! Guess what time it is? Letters and conversations time!


Dear dryer sheet,
Don't hide in my sweater sleeve and then pop out when I'm talking to my boss.
Love, April


Dear criminal masterminds,
If you want to remain uncaught, don't be an idiot and leave your cell phone at the crime scene. Hope you're prosecuted to the full extent of the law! (And you'd better give up the names of the accomplices, bastardo!)
Love, April


Gmail chat with Kristen
Me: I even ate an apple yesterday! *gasp*
Kristen: *falls to the floor dead*
Me: lol I get your house and Stella! (her cat)
Kristen: *comes back from the dead* No. *dies again*
Me: Fine. See if I go to your funeral.
Kristen: *comes back from the dead again* Do it. *dies once more*
Me: Drama queen.
Kristen: I try.

Library lovers, prepare yourselves

Vandals broke into our library last Monday evening, as well as two other businesses within a half-block radius. Small fires were set in the building where paper bundles are stored, but they burned themselves out. A law office had all of its machinery smashed, and a fire extinguisher was sprayed over everything.

At the library, we lost the copy machine (pictured below), three computers, shelving units, and an untold number of books when the miscreants smashed through the window in the front door.



These shelving units were knocked over, rendering them unusable. Rows and rows of books were thrown to the floor, as were all the audio books. Holes were kicked into walls and doors. The women's room toilet was smashed. The lid to the men's room toilet was smashed over the sink, causing a steady leak from the faucet.



A reading bench in the children's room was used as a battering ram, we assume in the hopes of smashing the new windows that had been installed after last summer's break-ins. However, the casing was too narrow for the width of the bench, so those windows remain unharmed. Money was taken, of course. But worst of all, those bastards smeared, wiped, and ground in dog crap almost everywhere you can think of: countertops, books, shelves, carpeting.



We were closed until Saturday, busy working to regain some order. Carpets were professionally cleaned, electricians and handymen were in to help. Dedicated volunteers came in to help clean what they could, desensitizing any materials that had been on the floor (anything with actual feces on it was immediately disposed of), alphabetizing and reshelving books onto already packed shelves and onto our temporary, makeshift shelving space. And the community has been wonderful. There have been so many calls and so many people dropping by, wanting to be put to work, making donations (money or food) or just sending condolences. The support of these people has made all the difference in the world.

There haven't been any arrests yet, but the police have a few names they're looking into (particularly, apparently, at one who I thought of immediately upon hearing about the break-in). We most likely won't get to hear the names of the people responsible; they're probably all under 16. Ah, justice.

"Pills enough to make me feel ill, cash enough to make me well."

My mom had a hysterectomy last Thursday. It was a pretty stressful day, what with me making three trips to and from the hospital for various reasons beyond my control (that's approximately 96 miles total).

AND some random woman in the restroom decided she just had to lecture me about the bottled water I had with me.

AND my mother wasn't taken into surgery until about two hours after they'd originally planned, and no one came to tell me when I was all panicky, staring at the clock and worrying about the time.

AND while she was in the recovery room I decided to go to the DMV to check the status on my driver's license, which, (long story short) expired two years ago. I KNOW! Don't even comment. Just. Don't. And when I demanded an answer about why my license continually showed up as "valid" on the DMV Web site, the guy just mumbled an "I don't know" through his mammoth mustache.

In other news, my former professor finally gave the official okay to be his book typesetter. AND he upped his paying price! Woot! I also gave up fried foods and pop (soda, to the rest of the country) for Lent. I'm doing really well, too! While I do crave my Diet Pepsi sometimes, I make do with water. I prefer the flavored water because it tricks my mind into thinking I'm having something delish instead of something nutrish.

What did you give up for Lent? Or, for you sexy noncomformists out there, which new year's resolutions are you still working on?