"Oh, I tell a great story, and I'm a liar? But Harry Potter does it, and he's your favorite author?"

Things That Irritate Me:
*The word "bling." It's ridiculous. No one sounds cool saying it. No one. Especially not 40-year-old men with fake gold necklaces that leave dirty green marks.
* The new TREsemme commercial where the girl with the curly hair complains that she looks "like a poodle." And the stylist's solution? Why, straightening her hair, of course. Well, screw you, TREsemme. I have curly hair. Deal with it.
*Some moron gave Andrew Dice Clay his own reality tv show. What the crap? Why? Because we need to see some old fart walking around in Zooba pants and sleeveless shirts, acting like he's some hot shot? This guy was never funny. Maybe people thought he was funny because of the shock value of his stand-up, but it doesn't hold up today.
*As much as I love John Krasinski, I'm severely irritated that in his upcoming romantic comedy, his new romantic lead will be Mandy Moore. Yuck times a billion. As my boss said when we were reviewing this still pic from the movie, "What kind of person would wear a shirt like that to see a pastor?"

Things I Love:
**Myspace. Since I joined Myspace.com, I have found several friends from college. People who have found me include another college friend, my best friend who moved to Alaska in 9th grade, and a former pen pal from Boston. Also, I got to correspond with two former American Idol contestants, Joseph Murena and Judd Harris, both from Season 4.
**Jersey when she's bossy. "Listen to ME, guys. Pay 'tention! April gets time out in blue chair."
**Cheddar Cheese Combos.
**A brand new pretty notebook for list making.

"Pinchers of Peril. I've been saved by my Pinchers of Peril!"

Cara made me accompany her to a local Open Mic Night to hear her boyfriend sing. We got there at 7:30 p.m., and her BF didn't go on until 10:45. Me so cranky. But good for you, because I was at my sarcastic best. Mostly in my head, but whatever.

First guy singing, I guess, was the host. He was older and kinda cute, but he had a very twangy voice. His hair was perfectly mussed. He wore a black button-down, long-sleeved shirt tucked into incredibly tight Wranglers. In my head, I called him Keith Urban.

I should mention that since we arrived late, the only seats available were at the bar directly in front of the stage. The stage was just an open bit of floor with various amps, mic stands, and musical instruments. So my seat was front and center not only for the musicians, but also the path to the bathroom. And because of a mirror's strange location, I could see into the men's bathroom every time the door opened. I amused myself greatly by pretending I could see them peeing so that I could shout, "I saw a boy penis!" I laughed a lot, and no one knew why.

Very shortly after I sat down, a woman whom I'd seen earlier that afternoon in the library came over to shout in my ear, "Wow! I had to come over and say hi to my LIBRARIAN!" Like it was the weirdest experience ever. Or as if I was breaking some rule, sitting in a restaurant/bar sipping diet Pepsi.

I also saw my car insurance agent. He plays a mean guitar.

There were also a lot of teenagers in the place. The boys had that slightly emo look, with the long, shaggy hair and tight clothes. The girls were dressed way too old, perfectly applied makeup, too loud laughter. I thought I recognized one tall boy, then sure enough, I saw his mom right behind him, my boss! I guess he was filling in percussion for his buddies' band.

After one group of people finished jamming (my word, not theirs), Keith Urban introduced the teenagers.

Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Huh?
Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Uh... Right. Yeah, okay.
I look at Cara.
Cara: That's their band's name. Sweet Action.
Me: Oh! I thought it was just a compliment.

Okay, now I must break away from the night's excitement just for a moment to ask, do you remember the movie That Thing You Do!? And in particular, the guy who played the lead singer of The Wonders, Jimmy? Remember how Jimmy was temperamental and everything had to be exactly the way he wanted it? That's just how Teen 1 was.

Sweet Action did pretty well for a group of 16- and 17-year-olds, but Teen 1 acted kind of like a douche. When one person in the audience shouted out a song for them to sing, Teen 1 sneered and said, "We don't accept requests." Then he argued with the bass player about something, and jerked the microphone back towards himself. That was one uptight kid. Sure there were several mistakes made, but they were good. Especially the boy in the "Smile, Jesus loves you." shirt.

Couple more sets of people got up to sing. Including two old guys who sounded about as northern as you could get. Then the older of the two goes, "This next song goes out to all you easy ladies out there. Raise your hands!"
Me: *cross my arms and flare my nostrils*
Cara: *raises hand and waves*

Around 9:30, the chick from the library stumbles back over to me. She'd obviously had several more drinks. She leaned in close.
Chick: Howdju even get that job?
Me: Oh... I guess I was just in the right place at the right time. Plus I'd worked in a library before.
Chick: Really? *wobbles* So you need experience? Cuz I got a degree in education. And I think my minor was Library.
Me: Er...right. Library.
Chick: So, I was like... Goddamn.
Me: Uh-huh.
Chick: And you wouldn't ever leave that job. *she narrows her eyes* Right?
Me: Well--
Chick: Cuz that would be a sweet job. If you ever quit, can you call me?
Me: *smile*
Chick: Bye!

By the way, she stared at me all night. With a smile on her face.

Then Tyler, Cara's son, started crying and having a fit because he was hungry. (Yes, he was there. On a school night.) Cara didn't have any money, so I drove him across town to get something to eat. I drove slowly, hoping that by the time I got back, Cara's BF would be done so I could go home and go to sleep. No such luck.

My insurance agent and his lady partner were on the last song of their set. More people got up to sing. More people staggered past to use the bathroom. Including my old high school tech teacher (or did he teach woodshop?) and a garbage man. Who also dropped his glass of beer on the floor. Drunky.

Finally, at 10:45, Cara's BF went up there. Keith Urban jammed on percussion. Cara's BF introduced a song he wrote.
CBF: It's called "Sometimes It Rains." I also wrote a sequel.
Me: "Sometimes It Doesn't?"
Cara: Shut up.

I wish I could remember the other funny things I said. But it was such a long night, and I had so many sarcastic things to say. However, here's one final story from at work.

I was at the library, working (or maybe IMing Metamorphose) at a computer that faces the window. I saw a bright yellow DHL van pull up. The delivery guy was walking up to the door, and at first all I noticed was the hideous yellow and red shirt he was wearing. I laughed and called him Ronald McDonald. Then I noticed he was mega hot. I casually made my way up to the counter so I could be the first to help him. He came in and right to me. He smiled. I melted. He had curly brown hair to his shoulders. And blue eyes. So. Freaking. Hot. We commented on the weather as I signed for the package. He smiled again. I heard him say, "Thanks. Have a nice day." Then he left.

My co-worker rushed to my side.

Co-Worker: What did he say to you??
Me: *puzzled* What? He just said "Thanks. Have a nice day."
Co-Worker: Oh, no, he didn't! That's not what I heard!
Me: What did you hear him say?
Co-Worker: I heard him say, "Thanks, Babe."
Me: *blushing, laughing* No, he didn't!
Co-Worker: Yes, he did!
Me: He didn't, but I'll pretend he did.

Later in the afternoon, Boss and Co-Worker were standing beside me, talking. They had noted how pale I was earlier in the morning. Now Boss looks at me.

Boss: You have some definite color in your face now. Very red. You must be feeling better.
Me: *blushing* Actually, I was thinking about the delivery guy!
*we all laugh*
Boss: Maybe I should order from that service more often.
Me: hahaha-DO IT.

**10 points to the person who knows where my title quote came from. No cheating by doing a search, either.

"You are coming to a sad realization. Cancel or allow?"

They say to beware the Ides 0f March. They weren't freaking kidding.

So on Thursday, March 15 (that would be the evil ides), I was working at the CA library. This is the one where I work alone. Normally I don't work there on Thursdays, but I was filling in for a co-worker who was on vacation.

I begin performing normal opening procedures. Turn on the lights and computers. Open circulation program. Put away returned books. Then I go into the second room to type in the passwords on each of the public access computers when I notice a giant puddle of water on the computer desk. My eyes beginning to widen in horror, I notice that there is also water on the keyboard and all down the monitor.

Had someone spilled a drink the day before and not reported it? Had I not noticed it when I'd closed for the day? Splash! I look up. There was a leak from the ceiling, dripping down onto the computer. Oh, if only that were the worst of it. The leak had started puddling in the light source, which I had turned on only moments ago.

The Ides of March were trying to kill me.

I quickly shut off the light, run into the bathroom, and grab paper towels. I sop up the puddle quickly, then rip up plastic bags and cover as much of the computers as I can. I know you're thinking, "Uh, April? Maybe you should also unplug the computers?" Well, I would have, Ms. Know-It-All, if all the cords and power strips hadn't been locked in its quad cabinet with the key nowhere to be found.

Boss not answering phone. Call Village Hall, who calls Public Works. Then call back to say that Public Works has their own problem to deal with, no idea when they'll shop up. Call Boss again, who finally answers and heads over. Public Works shows up with tarp to protect computers, but there's no way to empty the light source because of a conduit that is blocking the freaking thing.

So, it's 2 days later, and we still can't turn the light on, just in case. No idea where the leak is from because the building is 100 years old, and the roof has been sealed so many times that it's mostly just tar anyway.

And the sad thing is, there are still a few people in this community who believe that we don't need a new library building, which my boss has been fighting for years to get. They think it's a waste of money.

Walter Cronkite said it best. "Whatever the costs of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation."

Conversations

At the library:
Woman Registering for Library Card: Um, yeah, I don't have my driver's license with me because I, like, just drove over here really quick.
Me: You drove here. Without your driver's license?
Woman: Yeah?

Annoying Woman: Um, April? Can I ask you something?
Me: Sure.
Annoying Woman: Okay, so, I wanted to check my email, right?
Me: Uh-huh.
Annoying Woman: But when I pulled up Yahoo!, someone else was still logged in.
Me: So?
Annoying Woman: Well, do I have to log them out?
Me: If you want to check your own email, you do.
Annoying Woman: Yeah, I thought so. I just wanted to check.
Me: Click on "Sign Out."
Annoying Woman: Yeah, I know how to do that part.
Me: Then click on "Return to Yahoo! Mail."
Annoying Woman: I know. I can do it from here.
Me: Then type in your ID and password.
Annoying Woman: *totally annoyed with me* I know! I know what to do.
Me: *smirks*
(I could have ended the conversation after agreeing that she should logout the other user, but then that wouldn't have taught her not to ask stupid questions, would it?)

The day before a major snowstorm was going to hit our area, every single patron who came into the library had to comment on it. I heard every variation of the phrase "Wow, we're gonna get a lot of that white stuff!" that you could possibly imagine. Until the 50-some-year old paperboy came in.
Paperboy: It's cold out there!
Library Staff: *having replied the same way a hundred times already* Yup, it sure is!
Paperboy: We're gonna get the Big Kahuga!
Most Idiotic Man Ever: What?
Paperboy: We're gonna get the Big Kahuga!
MIME: *laughing his stupid laugh* Huh huh huh! I haven't heard that one in a long time! Huh huh huh!
Me: Hmm...maybe because it's called the Big Kahuna, not Kahuga.

Boss conferring with a patron at the computer, trying to figure out how to spell the name of a plant.
Patron: I think it's with an "m" at the end. Like "philodendrum."
Boss: No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it ends with an "n." I'm just not sure on the full spelling.
*she turns to me*
Boss: Hey, April. How do you spell "philodendron?"
Me: I don't.

At home:
Someone was talking about a sporting event or something where there'd be a lot of people, and apparently it annoyed my gramps.
Grandpa: Oh, that's a shittin' lolly pajoozil.
(I'm pretty sure he meant lollapalooza.)

On the phone:
Talking about American Idol and how much Kristen hates Melinda Doolittle.*
Kristen: I can't stand her and her stupid no-neck! It looks like she's scrunching up her shoulders to be cute. *talks in little girl voice* Ooh, look at me! I'm so cute!
Me: Ouch.
Kristen: Well! I can't help it if she doesn't have a neck!
Me: Neither can she.

*Reading Melinda's fact sheet, I noticed that she referred to her mother twice as "mommy." That's creepy. And makes me more sympathetic to Kristen's ire.