"Pinchers of Peril. I've been saved by my Pinchers of Peril!"

Cara made me accompany her to a local Open Mic Night to hear her boyfriend sing. We got there at 7:30 p.m., and her BF didn't go on until 10:45. Me so cranky. But good for you, because I was at my sarcastic best. Mostly in my head, but whatever.

First guy singing, I guess, was the host. He was older and kinda cute, but he had a very twangy voice. His hair was perfectly mussed. He wore a black button-down, long-sleeved shirt tucked into incredibly tight Wranglers. In my head, I called him Keith Urban.

I should mention that since we arrived late, the only seats available were at the bar directly in front of the stage. The stage was just an open bit of floor with various amps, mic stands, and musical instruments. So my seat was front and center not only for the musicians, but also the path to the bathroom. And because of a mirror's strange location, I could see into the men's bathroom every time the door opened. I amused myself greatly by pretending I could see them peeing so that I could shout, "I saw a boy penis!" I laughed a lot, and no one knew why.

Very shortly after I sat down, a woman whom I'd seen earlier that afternoon in the library came over to shout in my ear, "Wow! I had to come over and say hi to my LIBRARIAN!" Like it was the weirdest experience ever. Or as if I was breaking some rule, sitting in a restaurant/bar sipping diet Pepsi.

I also saw my car insurance agent. He plays a mean guitar.

There were also a lot of teenagers in the place. The boys had that slightly emo look, with the long, shaggy hair and tight clothes. The girls were dressed way too old, perfectly applied makeup, too loud laughter. I thought I recognized one tall boy, then sure enough, I saw his mom right behind him, my boss! I guess he was filling in percussion for his buddies' band.

After one group of people finished jamming (my word, not theirs), Keith Urban introduced the teenagers.

Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Huh?
Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Uh... Right. Yeah, okay.
I look at Cara.
Cara: That's their band's name. Sweet Action.
Me: Oh! I thought it was just a compliment.

Okay, now I must break away from the night's excitement just for a moment to ask, do you remember the movie That Thing You Do!? And in particular, the guy who played the lead singer of The Wonders, Jimmy? Remember how Jimmy was temperamental and everything had to be exactly the way he wanted it? That's just how Teen 1 was.

Sweet Action did pretty well for a group of 16- and 17-year-olds, but Teen 1 acted kind of like a douche. When one person in the audience shouted out a song for them to sing, Teen 1 sneered and said, "We don't accept requests." Then he argued with the bass player about something, and jerked the microphone back towards himself. That was one uptight kid. Sure there were several mistakes made, but they were good. Especially the boy in the "Smile, Jesus loves you." shirt.

Couple more sets of people got up to sing. Including two old guys who sounded about as northern as you could get. Then the older of the two goes, "This next song goes out to all you easy ladies out there. Raise your hands!"
Me: *cross my arms and flare my nostrils*
Cara: *raises hand and waves*

Around 9:30, the chick from the library stumbles back over to me. She'd obviously had several more drinks. She leaned in close.
Chick: Howdju even get that job?
Me: Oh... I guess I was just in the right place at the right time. Plus I'd worked in a library before.
Chick: Really? *wobbles* So you need experience? Cuz I got a degree in education. And I think my minor was Library.
Me: Er...right. Library.
Chick: So, I was like... Goddamn.
Me: Uh-huh.
Chick: And you wouldn't ever leave that job. *she narrows her eyes* Right?
Me: Well--
Chick: Cuz that would be a sweet job. If you ever quit, can you call me?
Me: *smile*
Chick: Bye!

By the way, she stared at me all night. With a smile on her face.

Then Tyler, Cara's son, started crying and having a fit because he was hungry. (Yes, he was there. On a school night.) Cara didn't have any money, so I drove him across town to get something to eat. I drove slowly, hoping that by the time I got back, Cara's BF would be done so I could go home and go to sleep. No such luck.

My insurance agent and his lady partner were on the last song of their set. More people got up to sing. More people staggered past to use the bathroom. Including my old high school tech teacher (or did he teach woodshop?) and a garbage man. Who also dropped his glass of beer on the floor. Drunky.

Finally, at 10:45, Cara's BF went up there. Keith Urban jammed on percussion. Cara's BF introduced a song he wrote.
CBF: It's called "Sometimes It Rains." I also wrote a sequel.
Me: "Sometimes It Doesn't?"
Cara: Shut up.

I wish I could remember the other funny things I said. But it was such a long night, and I had so many sarcastic things to say. However, here's one final story from at work.

I was at the library, working (or maybe IMing Metamorphose) at a computer that faces the window. I saw a bright yellow DHL van pull up. The delivery guy was walking up to the door, and at first all I noticed was the hideous yellow and red shirt he was wearing. I laughed and called him Ronald McDonald. Then I noticed he was mega hot. I casually made my way up to the counter so I could be the first to help him. He came in and right to me. He smiled. I melted. He had curly brown hair to his shoulders. And blue eyes. So. Freaking. Hot. We commented on the weather as I signed for the package. He smiled again. I heard him say, "Thanks. Have a nice day." Then he left.

My co-worker rushed to my side.

Co-Worker: What did he say to you??
Me: *puzzled* What? He just said "Thanks. Have a nice day."
Co-Worker: Oh, no, he didn't! That's not what I heard!
Me: What did you hear him say?
Co-Worker: I heard him say, "Thanks, Babe."
Me: *blushing, laughing* No, he didn't!
Co-Worker: Yes, he did!
Me: He didn't, but I'll pretend he did.

Later in the afternoon, Boss and Co-Worker were standing beside me, talking. They had noted how pale I was earlier in the morning. Now Boss looks at me.

Boss: You have some definite color in your face now. Very red. You must be feeling better.
Me: *blushing* Actually, I was thinking about the delivery guy!
*we all laugh*
Boss: Maybe I should order from that service more often.
Me: hahaha-DO IT.

**10 points to the person who knows where my title quote came from. No cheating by doing a search, either.