I don't say things like "special evening." I play guitar!

My mom, Amanda, and I like to play a little game called "There's your lover." It's pretty self-explanatory. We call lovers for each other by randomly pointing at gross guys and saying, "There's your lover." The grosser they are, the more fun it is to watch the other person squirm in disgust.

Yesterday while Amanda and I were waiting in the car as Mom went into the convenience store, Amanda picked a particularly gross guy for me. In revenge, I pointed at a big guy, who wasn't really that bad looking, but kinda dorky, and he was wearing a T-shirt that read "Wrestling USA." I told Amanda, "There's your lover." She said yuck.

But then, since we'd all been singing stupid songs earlier, I made up a little ditty to go along with the guy I picked out. To the tune of "She's an Easy Lover."

"Amanda wants that wrestler, she wants to do the sleeper-hold on him, believe me."

It was hilarious. Then we just kept using that tune to make up different variations. Also, the song "Your momma don't drink, and your daddy don't rock and roll" is now "Your momma's got the clap, and your daddy's out on parole." It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Why must chick lit books be so tempting and delicious to read? I have a BA in English literature* for crying out loud. I should laugh haughtily at the numerous British accounts of the single girl's woes. I should be reading to improve my mind, to prepare myself for high-society functions to which I'll never be invited. Instead, I succumb to the likes of Jennifer Crusie, Lynsay Sands, and Marian Keyes. What powers do these temptresses have over me?

In other news, Aaron and Nikki moved out, taking the dog with them. So my mom got herself a new dog, a Lhasa Apso (my favorite!) named Hunter. She renamed him Happy. I call him the Happy Hunter. He's really sweet, still a puppy. I guess yesterday Happy was chasing Jersey around and around the table. Then they'd each stop, stare at each other, and then he'd give chase again. Mom said Jersey was running the same way I always did when I was a toddler, with my arms back like I was an airplane. Incidentally, that's apparently also the last time I ever ran. Anyway, Jersey tripped over her toys, and landed next to the stereo speaker, which was blaring Bo Bice, her favorite American Idol. She was gasping for breath, giggling, with Happy on top of her licking her face, and she turns to the speaker and says, "Hi Bo Bice!" Cracks me up.

The library is currently throwing a retirement party for the lady whose position I recently took over. I'm keeping my distance because I know she doesn't like me. But that punch was my recipe, and I'm gonna head over there and boldly ladle myself (hahahahaha) a cup of it.

Oh, and I'm gonna karate chop the next old guy who insults my hair. It's perfectly fine...all moussed up and curled... I do not look like I "stuck my finger in a light socket." What the hell is with people being jerks to me lately?

*All right, all right, you bastards. It's actually just a BS, but I'm only missing the foreign language credits. You won't rest until you draw blood, will you?

"Rock got no reason, rock got no rhyme. You better get me to school on time."

Yesterday I had to drive with a co-worker to Eau Claire for a library workshop on advanced cataloging. I've only done a little bit of work in the catalog system, so I didn't know what was going on. But my co-worker was familiar with the process and still didn't know what was going on, so I didn't feel bad. And then there was a 45-minute tangent on something only semi-related to what we were discussing. It was a waste of time. At least I get reimbursed for my mileage and lunch.

A conversation with Kristen yesterday reminded me of something I forgot to post after mine and Krista's stay in Superior. We had all been sitting in Kristen's room when her mom brought in the phone for her. She said hello and listened as a high-pitched squeaky voice on the phone said, "Hi, Kristen! This is April." She turned and looked at me, then says into the phone, "Uh, no it isn't....since I'm looking at her right now." It was Dan. Then he goes, "Oh, so I guess I didn't need to put on the fake boobs, huh?"

He also admitted to her that he used to have a crush on me. I knew it already, but I was glad to have my fears (ha ha) confirmed. He said, "But, you know, I was young..." Kristen added, "And stupid."

She said he called her again the other day, and she said to him, "Oh, hi April." And in his squeaky "April" voice, he replied, "Hi! I called to talk about Dan again because that's what we always talk about!" She goes, "Yeah...You totally have a crush on him."

Makes me laugh...and cringe. Dan is the real-life Napoleon Dynamite, if you'll recall. Well...Napoleon Dynamite/Cosmo Kramer. I suppose I should be flattered, sorta, since Dan always manages to inexplicably get hot girlfriends. It's so bizarre.

Dear Judgmental Old Crone,
Just because I want to see the movie The Da Vinci Code when it comes out does not make me a heathen, uneducated, or ignorant of the Bible. So next time you tell me that I need to read church history, be prepared to feel like an idiot because I will not hesitate to put you in your place.
Love, April

Dear Small Talk Guy,
Calling my hair "frazzled" does not 1) Make sense, 2) Make me want to continue talking with you, or 3) Count as actual small talk. Perhaps you should look up the word "frazzled" in the dictionary. Dumbass.
Love, April

Dear Hot Boy,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming into the library and letting me behold your hotness. I apologize for the pool of drool you slipped in.
Love, April

********************************

Sometimes when Kristen and I talk, we like to imagine future conversations we may have. Now, I don't mention this so that you, dear reader, can make fun of us. I mention it because we greatly amuse ourselves, and the following is one such conversation.

Last night on the phone, Kristen and I were discussing what would happen if I got married before she did. I noted that she would probably get very bitter and drunk (probably on one wine cooler) at the reception. This is our conversation about what her "toast" to myself and my husband would be like. Oh, and imagine us talking in slurred voices, cuz that makes it funnier.

Kristen: I'd probably be like "So, you finally got married...Well, la-ti-dah!"
April: Then you'd be like, "You think you're better than me now, don't you? Well, you're not!"
Kristen: "Bitch."
April: *laughing* Then Krista would come up and try and take the microphone away from you...
Kristen: And I'd whip it away and be like, "Leave me alone! I've got something to say!"
April: Yeah... "It'll never last, you know."
Kristen: Yeah! And then, like, let's pretend your husband's name is Brian... I'd be like, "Brian, give me a call when it doesn't work out."
April: ha ha "Yeah, give me a call when Tony comes back in her life and she dumps you for him."
We both laugh.
April: "I'll do things with you I've never done before..."
Kristen: "Like have sex...with your wiener..."

And then we laughed until we cried.

NEXT JOKE!

Easter weekend was relaxing and comical. I always enjoy hanging out with Krista and Kristen. Even if it does make me call them by the others' name more often than not.

Because there were a lot of memorable moments, I'm just going to relay them as they come to me, rather than trying to put them in chronological order. Ahem.

We were shopping at Target. Kristen holds up the movie Stripes and says, "Oh, April, I was going to get you this because I knew how much you loved it." So I quickly grabbed the book The Virgin of the Plains and said, "Oh, Kristen, I was gonna get you this book because I know you can relate." Note the sarcasm. Then Kristen explains to Krista, "April and I rented this movie one time because we like Bill Murray and thought it would be really funny. But all it was was a bunch of boob shots."
Me: Yeah, and they weren't even of Bill.

After Kristen opened the super-cool early birthday present I got her (which she'll tell you about on her blog), she started playing with the bow that had decorated the wrapping. It was a big bow of purple, blue, and pink metallic curls. She puts the bow on top of her head and says, "Look! I'm April's bangs!" Which everyone but me found absolutely hilarious. Several minutes later her dad comes in the room. Kristen puts the bow on her head again and says, "Hey, Dad! Guess who I am?"
Kristen's dad: I don't know. Sideshow Bob?
*sigh* Of course, everyone thought that was hilarious, too. Bastards.

Friday night we went to check out Beaner's in Duluth, a little coffee shop with a stage where performers...um...perform. Anyway, we wanted to see some guy named David Boone sing. We never even stayed for the main event. The first opening act stunk. Every song sounded the same. But some guy in front of us, who looked about 12, held up his beer, revealing a liger tattoo, and yelled "Sounds good." I had a very hard time not laughing.

Then the 12-year-old and his buddy were the next act. They took off their shoes and socks before taking the stage. And they continually yelled "Folk rock!" I decided they looked like tattooed hobbits. One song's chorus was the repetitious line, "When you fill me up, I'll drink you down." And they were serious. They even sang with their eyes closed. The final song that I stuck around to hear was something about, "I gotta get out of this town." I just barely stopped myself from yelling, "Yeah? Well, I gotta get out of here!" I took many notes on the things that were annoying/hilarious. I think the girls next to me thought I was a critic for a paper or something. They kept trying to read what I was writing.

Also, there's only so many berets and goatees I can handle. Granted, there was only one guy with a beret and a goatee, but that just happens to be my limit.

After eating at Perkins, we were paused in front of the sticker machine...because 27-year-olds NEED stickers. My sticker read "I *heart* Frat Boys." Anyway, a worker there was attempting to place a rug that he'd rolled up for cleaning back in its spot. He roughly unrolled it, and it struck me in the legs. I yelled, "Rug'd!" We found it amusing, but he didn't even apologize or anything. Stupid Perkins worker.

At Applebee's, we placed our order with a waitress: a santa fe chicken salad, an oriental chicken salad, and a chicken club sandwich. A little while later, a waiter comes up to our table and shouts, "Hello, hello! Who's rockin' the chicken club?" We all blankly stare at him. He says, "Uh, the chicken club sandwhich?" Krista raises her hand, I turn away to laugh at the waiter. Then he goes, "Well, you were all looking dumbfounded." Dude, ya think it had anything to do with you being a dork?

At Target, (no, this is a different visit) we're all standing in line to check out. Kristen has just paid for her items when the clerk, a new guy, starts flashing his light to signal for a manager. Apparently he'd run out of receipt tape and didn't know how to put in a new one. The manager attempts to start a new one, but the paper keeps sticking. She goes, "It's just like toilet paper. You need some, but you can't get it." We fake laugh politely.

After the paper was in, the manager noted that too much time had elapsed for the computer to recognize the last sale and form a receipt. In order to get one, they'd have to void all Kristen's items and re-ring them up to give her a receipt. I sighed deeply and said to Kristen, "I can't take you anywhere!" She told me to never mind and just fill out my check. I said I couldn't just guess the total. And then, since she'd mostly just bought candy for Easter baskets she was making, I said, "She just bought food. She can't return it anyway. She doesn't need a receipt." Then I pushed the cart towards her and said, "Outta my way, lady."

So the kid rings up my items, trying not to laugh, and informs me of my total, $25.30. Kristen goes, "You couldn't have guessed that total?" I snootily replied, "I had things on my mind." The kid was trying hard not to laugh at our lame shenanigans.

Out in the car, we were bragging about our skills at cracking up teenage boys. I quipped that we're at our comedic peak. Then Kristen, pretending she was talking to the check-out boy, says, "Well, hello. If you were a couple years older..."
Me: You'd still be too young.
We laugh.
Kristen: I'd be in jail!

And on our drive home, another car pulled out in front of us with its brights on. Kristen yelled something almost intelligible in shock/fear. We kept driving as nothing else happened. A minute later, I said to Kristen, "Uh, did you just yell 'Zadot?'" Indeed, she had. So we yelled Zadot! for the rest of the weekend.

Krista told Kristen that she was going to email her a picture of something she's thinking about getting another friend as a present. Keep in mind, earlier in the weekend, I had given Krista her belated Christmas AND birthday presents, because it had been so long since I'd seen her. She'd also given me my Christmas presents. And she gave Kristen her Christmas gifts (some homemade ornaments...a tad bit grandma-ish, but nice), and Kristen had given Krista a birthday package, but nothing for Christmas. Got that? Okay. So, Krista wanted Kristen's opinion on a gift she was giving to another friend.
Krista: I need your opinion because you have excellent taste, and I don't.
Kristen: You have taste, Krista... It was evident in the Christmas present you gave me. *she tries desperately not to laugh*
Me: BURN!!!
Krista and I laugh.
Krista: Yes, Kristen. And it was evident how much you think of me by the Christmas present you gave me. (which, if you'll recall, was nothing)
Me: DOUBLE BURN!!!
Really, it was hilarious.

Anyway, look to Krista's page for a revealing conversation between Kristen and I.
And look to Kristen's page for our new hit song.

Eat this, Fake Wayne!

Amanda had her job interview on Wednesday, and though she hasn't heard if she got the job, she did say the interview itself went really well. It's for a Subway restaurant, and when the manager asked her what she knew about Subway, Amanda replied, "Uh, you eat fresh?" hahahaha That's m'girl! She said that at the end of the interview, she asked the manager if he'd ever seen the movie Saving Silverman. He grinned and goes, "You mean because of Subway University?" She laughed and said yes. So then they compared their favorite scenes from the movie. His favorite, if you're interested, is when Jack Black and Steve Zahn go to kidnap Amanda Peet. They split up, and Jack heads right for the kitchen, where he begins eating. He says into his walkie-talkie, "Dude, I think I see something in the back of the refrig---closet." Classic scene.

I also talked with Cara the other night. She moved into her own place and likes working as a correctional officer at a prison. Anyway, while we were talking, Tyler started crying in the background because he fell. For like the next 5 minutes, literally, all I could hear was him chanting "Broken butt...broken butt...broken butt..."

And Krista has arrived to hang out with me for the night. Before I had to go to work, we watched Days of Our Lives, and Krista imitated a reporter on the show who had mistaken one woman for someone else's wife. When he was corrected, he said, "I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong."
Krista: *imitating reporter, complete with invisible microphone* April, I can see the complete frustration on your face.
Me: Um, that's just gas.
Krista: I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong.

Then while she patiently waited for me at the library, we overheard two little old ladies talking about the front page of our local newspaper, which featured an article on methamphetamines. Old lady one is hard of hearing, therefore shouted her side of the conversation.
Old lady 1: Boy! They sure have problems with this meth!
Old lady 2: Yeah, they sure do.
Old lady 1: What the hell does it do, anyway?
Old lady 2: I don't know.
Old lady 1: Does it give ya a high?

Krista and I quickly separated to prevent a full-blown case of inappropriate giggling.

And finally, as Krista looked at a stack of books, she pointed at a book on tape. Laughing, she read the print on the bottom, "Read by author." She says, "I thought, 'Well, of course the author read it! She wrote it.' Then I realized it was a book on tape." haha Ah, you'll laugh later when you get it.

Amanda has a job interview at a sandwich place in town, so I'm really excited for her! I hope she gets it. She needs to be responsible and work. And hopefully she can get some assistance to put Jersey in daycare while she's working. That way Jersey won't be so upset when Amanda leaves a room.

Also with the great warm weather, we've seen the return of the asian beetle. Those buggy bastards, crawling on my curtains, buzzing around my light bulb, stinking up the joint when I kill 'em.

I'm getting more and more excited for my weekend at Bernie's! Er, I mean at Kristen's. Krista is driving up Thursday. I have to work, but I managed to okay an early dismissal. We'll spend the night eating pizza and watching Mystery Men, White Oleander, and The Best of Will Ferrell. I know that White Oleander doesn't seem to fit into that high-hilarity schedule, but Krista's never seen it and it features the pier in Santa Monica, CA that we went to on vacation one year. Plus, we like Patrick Fugit. And Cole Hauser is pretty damn hot, too. Meow!

Then on Friday we'll drive up to Superior for sitcom-worthy hilarity. We may be checking out a little club where Isaac Hayden will be performing in June. Maybe we could practice our pick-up lines. Perhaps we'll go bowling and Kristen will walk around with toilet paper on the bottom of her shoe. Not that that would ever happen....

Does anybody watch Grey's Anatomy? A co-worker suggested I watch it, so of course I tuned into an episode where the main chick was dumped and everyone at work was talking about her. Like I needed a reminder about that experience. It was an excellent show, though. I wish I could see it from the beginning.

They ain't love handles if nobody loves you

Some moments I regret:

*The one time I had the desire to run, I caught my foot in the leg of a chair and twisted my ankle. I was forced to ride piggy back all the way home (to my dorm) on a friend's back. All this, by the way, happened in front of a crush. I wonder why he never asked me out.

*While visiting a hot boy friend at the coffee place where he worked, he gave me my first cappuccino for free. All flushed from the steamy cup in my hand and the hotness of his face, my parting words were an enthusiastic, "Thanks a million!" Those Danny Tanner-like words echoed in my head the rest of the day. And I dumped the cappuccino after one sip.

*I have been urged/pressured to sing karaoke a few times in my life. And several times, I complied. With great regret, I offer these song choices as proof of my nerdery:
~Closing Time, by Semisonic (people literally got up and left)
~You're So Vain, by Carly Simon (one guy yelled, "What the hell?" when I & Kristen finished)
~Karma Chameleon, by Culture Club (Kristen only knew the chorus, so I was stuck singing "I'm a man without conviction" alone)
~The Monkees theme song (which neither of us knew very well)
~But at least I didn't have to sing "Come On Eileen," by Dexy's Midnight Runners, which Tony had asked the DJ to have me sing. The DJ couldn't find the song, so I was safe.

*One Halloween I dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire, and looked more like a gay linebacker.

*The first time I ever got drunk, I pointed at a poor red-haired boy in the bar and shouted, "Hey, look! It's Beaker from the Muppet Show!" Even more, I regret the "Beaker" noises with which I followed the drunken comment.

So, I found out (by way of my precious Sitemeter) that some website that is dedicated to Steve Gonsalves of TAPS, whom I've previously blogged about and lusted for, has linked me as a wealth of information. Apparently they've worked tirelessly to bring the very best sites with Steve info all onto one site for easier access for hardcore fans.

And I'm #4.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha *deep breath* hahahahahahahaha

I also found out that the lucious Isaac Hayden, who sings "It's All I Need Today" on Redlaw's March cd, will be performing in Duluth in June. So I informed Kristen that we'll be attending. Mmmm....

Yesterday evening I picked up Amanda and Jersey to come over and watch American Idol. We first had to stop at the store so she could pick up some milk. I parked the car, and before Amanda got out:
Me: Oh! Guess who's performing on American Idol this week?
Amanda: Who?
Me: Kenny Rogers.
Amanda: *she leans her head back and sighs* Kenny Rogers? Why can't they have anyone good?
Me: *I shrug*
Amanda: *she gets out of the car, and just before closing the door, she leans back in and says* Well, maybe he'll sing "Footloose!" *slams the door*
Me: *thinking, "What the hell?"* *I roll down my window* Amanda!
Amanda: *she stops and comes back to the car*
Me: Kenny Rogers, not Kenny Loggins!
Amanda: Oh. Well, who is Kenny Rogers?
Me: The Gambler?? "Islands in the Stream?"
Amanda: Oh. You don't tell anyone about this.

Last night I was trying to explain to my grandma about some weird numerical phenomenon that would be occurring later that night.
Me: So, if you stay up until 1 a.m., and three seconds after the second minute, it'll be the fourth month, fifth day of the sixth year.
Grams: *looks blankly at me*
Me: Look. *writing it on paper* It'll be 1:02:03 a.m. on 4/05/06.
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me*
Me: Come on! It's 01.02.03.04.05.06!
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me, bites an orange slice*
Me: Don't you think that's funny?
Grams: I guess.
Me: *sigh* You're a tough ol' biddy to impress.
Grams: True dat.**

**Grams didn't actually say "true dat," but if she had, my life would have been complete.