Dear Library Patrons,
Take a shit at your own home. Don't wait until you get to the library, take a huge crap, and then leave the door wide open without even the fan going. And then don't come up to the counter later and say, "Hmm...it kinda stinks in here." Cuz it's your ass.
Love, April
Dear Idiot,
You are a waste of space. Stop breathing through your mouth, picking your nose, wearing the same clothes every day, and generally stinking up the joint. If you tell second shift one more time about how busy it's been when you've done nothing but sit on your ass, leave on your "break," or stink up the bathroom all day, I will rap you on your Jack Johnson....and/or stab your cheek with a ballpoint pen.
With Hate,
April
Dear Jersey's Dad,
How are you gonna be criticizing the cable guy, saying he doesn't know what he's doing? If you know so much, why don't you get a job at the cable company and start paying some damn child support, fool? I'm sure Jerz loves the Care Bear with the blueberry scented tummy, but being a daddy means more than the occasional present.
Love, April
P.S. How can you wear black velvet sweat pants in the middle of August?
Dear Mice,
Stay out of my car, if you know what's good for ya.
Love, April
Dear God,
I am sweet and loveable, as evidenced by the above letters. So where's my future husband? I'm not getting any younger.
Love, April
Oh HAI blog
8 years ago
10 comments:
"With Hate" - Best. Line. Ever. And I agree with the last letter to God - I am wondering the same thing for myself!!
I LOVE your letters! They are best. Thanks so much. I really needed a laugh today.
Seriously, I cannot stand that kid. And that's literally the first thing I think in the morning, "Do I have to work with him today?" Thank goodness this is his last week.
Atsirk, We'll find boys when you visit next week.
Dawn, Yeah, I thought it was about time to break out some correspondance. :)
Last week! Oh good. I was thinking I would need to fly out there and tell him off ('cause I totally would.)
Glad Stinky Pete is hitting the road! And I will write a reference to God for you if you want, because you for sure deserve the husband. :-)
Azucar, LOVE the cat lady pic. I approve greatly.
Nem! If you talk to God, I know he'll listen. I think He likes you.
This old thing?
With hate, indeed.
Black velvet sweat pants? Oh dear. I think God likes Nem as well. And I think He also likes the cat lady pictures.
Who wouldn't like Nem or the cat picture?
I'm pretty sure God hates me...we seem to be not speaking currently...or maybe it's just me....
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