Dear America,
Must you continue to show your ignorance? I mean, it was bad enough when you re-elected Dubya. But now there's this American Idol nonsense. Why is Sanjaya still in the competition? He can't sing. He can't dance. He smiles like a patient at a long-term mental health facility. And don't even get me started on his hair. You eliminated Stephanie Edwards, Chris Sligh, and now Gina Glocksen. Really? Am I really living in a country of freaking morons? Who the hell is voting for Sanjaya and trampy Haley Scarnato? You should be beaten by a 5-pound bag of shit. Now knock it off.
Love,
April

Dear Library Patrons,
Start washing yourselves. It's not fair that I have to smell your greasy hair or cigarette smoke-infused clothes. And if you're sick, stay home. Why should I have to inhale your nasty germs? Can't you even freaking cover your mouths when you cough or sneeze? For God's sakes, my Clorox Disinfecting Wipes can only cover so much area. Didn't your mothers' teach you basic hygiene skills? Don't make me shove you into a wading pool of bleach.
Love,
April

Last week my mom had Jersey help her bake some cookie bars. Mom cracked open a couple eggs into a bowl. Jersey was ready with a spoon.
Jersey: Mash them eggies, Gram?
Gram: Yup, mash 'em, Jerz.
So Jersey got to mash them. And then later when no one was in the kitchen, she mashed some more eggies into the refrigerator shelves.

Last Tuesday night, I turned on American Idol. Grandpa stood in the doorway for a moment. We watch as all the contestants cross the stage. Gramps points at Sanjaya Malakar.
Gramps: Let me know when that gink comes on, will ya?
Later...
Me: Grandpa! He's on!
Grandpa rushes into the living room to watch Sanjaya "sing."
Gramps: Good God. Look at his hair.
Me: What an idiot.
Gramps: Get on that phone and vote against him.