Five don'ts and a Jersey classic

DON'T name your book "Blizzard of Lead."


DON'T tattoo the word "hate" across your knuckles.


DON'T sit on the computer for three hours creating a goth avatar.


DON'T let your 4-year-old daughter wear a white, bedazzled hat sideways.


DON'T bypass the mat at the front door, then vigorously wipe your muddy boots on the library carpet.

Jersey, before throwing a penny into the "wishing" water fountain at the mall: "Um, I wish...I would let April buy me a swimming pool."

"Don't pop your collar, Mannequin."

Above quote from Kristen as we rode an escalator past a mannequin whose preppy shirt had a popped collar. And I couldn't quit laughing about it for the rest of the weekend.

So, I went with Kate and Kristen to the Mall of America Saturday, so that Kristen could meet her lawyer boy for the first time. I won't spill details that aren't mine to spill, but I think you can get a general idea of how it went when she broke out with a line from Hamlet, "I was the more deceived."

At Barnes & Noble, I made a clerk get a case of the giggles. I was paying for a cd when she asked if I had a B&N member card. Kristen swiftly said, "Yes, you do!" and dove for her purse. She rummaged around for a while. "Remember?" she said. "You wanted me to hold onto it for you?"

"Oh, yeah," I replied. "That was nice of you to do that for me. I'm always losing it."

"Oh, wait," she said after searching her wallet. "I forgot that I put it in your special pouch in my purse."

I looked at the clerk with raised eyebrows, then muttered out of the side of my mouth, "Don't ever say 'your special pouch again.'"

The clerk actually spit a little as she started laughing. She kept turning away, giggling. Then she goes, "You two sound like my friends."

See, world? We're not outsiders! We're just hilarious.

Also, after months of pressuring Kristen to watch an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," she finally allowed me to play the pilot episode of season one . . . and made me leave the entire season for her to watch. And she's already finished it and Netflix'd the second season! haha

Other highlights of the weekend include:

*Playing "Who would you rather do?" with Kristen and Kate in the car, with questions ranging from the horrible (Carrot Top vs. Louie Anderson) to the hilarious (Danny Tanner vs. Joey Gladstone).

*Talking to The Other White Rachel on the phone for the first time to tell her about Kristen's meeting with lawyer boy. She has a sexy voice, by the way.

*Chocolate from the Godiva chocolate shop at MOA. Strawberry cheesecake dipped in chocolate. Oh, mama.

Hey, kids! Guess what time it is? Letters and conversations time!


Dear dryer sheet,
Don't hide in my sweater sleeve and then pop out when I'm talking to my boss.
Love, April


Dear criminal masterminds,
If you want to remain uncaught, don't be an idiot and leave your cell phone at the crime scene. Hope you're prosecuted to the full extent of the law! (And you'd better give up the names of the accomplices, bastardo!)
Love, April


Gmail chat with Kristen
Me: I even ate an apple yesterday! *gasp*
Kristen: *falls to the floor dead*
Me: lol I get your house and Stella! (her cat)
Kristen: *comes back from the dead* No. *dies again*
Me: Fine. See if I go to your funeral.
Kristen: *comes back from the dead again* Do it. *dies once more*
Me: Drama queen.
Kristen: I try.

Library lovers, prepare yourselves

Vandals broke into our library last Monday evening, as well as two other businesses within a half-block radius. Small fires were set in the building where paper bundles are stored, but they burned themselves out. A law office had all of its machinery smashed, and a fire extinguisher was sprayed over everything.

At the library, we lost the copy machine (pictured below), three computers, shelving units, and an untold number of books when the miscreants smashed through the window in the front door.



These shelving units were knocked over, rendering them unusable. Rows and rows of books were thrown to the floor, as were all the audio books. Holes were kicked into walls and doors. The women's room toilet was smashed. The lid to the men's room toilet was smashed over the sink, causing a steady leak from the faucet.



A reading bench in the children's room was used as a battering ram, we assume in the hopes of smashing the new windows that had been installed after last summer's break-ins. However, the casing was too narrow for the width of the bench, so those windows remain unharmed. Money was taken, of course. But worst of all, those bastards smeared, wiped, and ground in dog crap almost everywhere you can think of: countertops, books, shelves, carpeting.



We were closed until Saturday, busy working to regain some order. Carpets were professionally cleaned, electricians and handymen were in to help. Dedicated volunteers came in to help clean what they could, desensitizing any materials that had been on the floor (anything with actual feces on it was immediately disposed of), alphabetizing and reshelving books onto already packed shelves and onto our temporary, makeshift shelving space. And the community has been wonderful. There have been so many calls and so many people dropping by, wanting to be put to work, making donations (money or food) or just sending condolences. The support of these people has made all the difference in the world.

There haven't been any arrests yet, but the police have a few names they're looking into (particularly, apparently, at one who I thought of immediately upon hearing about the break-in). We most likely won't get to hear the names of the people responsible; they're probably all under 16. Ah, justice.

"Pills enough to make me feel ill, cash enough to make me well."

My mom had a hysterectomy last Thursday. It was a pretty stressful day, what with me making three trips to and from the hospital for various reasons beyond my control (that's approximately 96 miles total).

AND some random woman in the restroom decided she just had to lecture me about the bottled water I had with me.

AND my mother wasn't taken into surgery until about two hours after they'd originally planned, and no one came to tell me when I was all panicky, staring at the clock and worrying about the time.

AND while she was in the recovery room I decided to go to the DMV to check the status on my driver's license, which, (long story short) expired two years ago. I KNOW! Don't even comment. Just. Don't. And when I demanded an answer about why my license continually showed up as "valid" on the DMV Web site, the guy just mumbled an "I don't know" through his mammoth mustache.

In other news, my former professor finally gave the official okay to be his book typesetter. AND he upped his paying price! Woot! I also gave up fried foods and pop (soda, to the rest of the country) for Lent. I'm doing really well, too! While I do crave my Diet Pepsi sometimes, I make do with water. I prefer the flavored water because it tricks my mind into thinking I'm having something delish instead of something nutrish.

What did you give up for Lent? Or, for you sexy noncomformists out there, which new year's resolutions are you still working on?

I've been tagged!

No, not by a game warden, you jerks. By the lovely and always funny Marie. So, here are seven random things you may not know about me.

1) In fifth grade, I wrote a book (well, eight pages bound between yellow plastic) about a girl who dyes her beehive hairdo seven crazy colors and searches for acceptance, finally gaining it from a penguin and some other odd character that I've now forgotten. Oh, and I think I named the hair salon Curl Up & Dye.

2) I've always hated the singer Tiffany (the mall queen) because she briefly dated Jon Knight, of New Kids on the Block. (I'd still do him.)

3) Once when I was in kindergarten, the school was cancelled mid-day due to a blizzard. My school bus dropped me off at my house, out in the country, and my parents were at work. No one contacted them. I had to crawl into the doghouse, where I kept warm by Black Dog (yeah, that was his name) lying on top of me. He wouldn't let me out until my parents finally got home.

4) I was awesome on a pogo ball. Fo rizzle. I could do all sorts of tricks on it: spins, jumps, flips, the bunny hop. That's right, the bunny hop.

5) I practice the jokes and stories I'd tell if I was ever a guest on the Conan O'Brien show. (Like you don't do the same thing.) Conan would love me. He'd totally ask me to hang out with him and other cool famous people after the taping. Oh, and I'd tell Max Weinberg to shut it, cuz he's freaking lame.

6) I have watched the soap opera Days of Our Lives since I was a little girl, with exceptions. Obviously I couldn't watch during school days in high school, but I've always at least known the current storylines. I look forward to Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, cuz those are the days I get a lunch break at home so I can watch.

7) I'd love to write for a sitcom. Or write a screenplay that translate into this little sleeper hit, indie film.

I'm not going to tag anyone else. But if you'd like to write seven things about yourself, let me know because I'd love to read it!