On a Christmas card that came in the mail yesterday:
Merry Christmas, Palmer and Lorraine.
Me: Hey! What about me? What am I, chopped liver?
Grams: Well, they probably didn't know you live here.
Me: Yes, they do! I've been here 4 years!
(pause)
Me: Four years! No! Why, God, why?!
Grams and Gramps both stare at me.
Me: Uh, I mean, it's been great.
The other morning I was having a dream that I worked at a magazine, and some chick kept trying to tell me what to do. She had just finished giving me an order when my alarm clock went off. I stumbled over to my desk to shut off the beeping. Still annoyed by dream chick, I sleepily mumbled, "Don't try and give me an assignment. Bitchface." Then I went back to sleep.
Yesterday afternoon as I was preparing to leave for work, my grandpa stopped me to tell me about something he was going to purchase.
Gramps: It's a solution for the carbuerator.
Me: Uh-huh.
Gramps: Not the carbuerator...the engine...and it's a solution...that you put in, you see....
Me: Spit it out, Gramps.
Gramps: (continues to ramble on semi-coherently, then finally pauses and looks at me as if expecting a response.)
Me: I zoned out like 5 minutes ago.
Gramps: I know you did, but we talk so seldom that I gotta make it last.
At work, I was shelving some books when I heard a loud growling/roaring behind me. I looked over and saw a guy, a regular, stretching. He's a big, big guy.
Guy: Oh, that's better. I cracked my back.
Me: Oh.
Guy: My back always hurts. Even though I'm only 24.
Me: Oh.
Guy: But I suppose it doesn't help that I'm 380 pounds.
Me: Er. Probably not.
I despise small talk.
Last night in the grocery story, I was trying to squeeze past a fat couple who were taking up the whole freaking aisle. The man asked the woman something, and she sighed in exasperation.
Woman: I need to buy tater tots and mushrooms!
Man: (dramatically) Oh, boy.
The words "oh, boy" were said in such a manner that, if spoken on tv, they would have been followed by a comical "wah-wah-waaaahhh."
My mom sent a fake Christmas card to Aaron and his girlfriend, Nikki (yes, I spelled her name correctly this time), who both live in my mother's house. She put the card inside a bag, then tied the bag to the dog and sent the dog upstairs. In the card was written, "Merry Christmas. Final eviction notice. Have a happy new year...somewhere else. This ain't no bed and breakfast, bitches."
Acquiring a Nemesis
3 years ago
12 comments:
Oh my god, your mom's hilarious.
(N)
why do patrons of libraries feel the need to share more than necessary? why?
I know, mom cracks me up.
k, I don't know. Do I scare them into revealing their secrets with my librarian stare? Who knows.
HEEEE HEEEE HEEEE.
Can your mom be my mom too? How damn funny...
Hilarious.
Your Gramps is cute, too.
At least that regular patron wasn't farting and then telling you about his digestive troubles. (Not that that has ever happened to me, but you know...it could be worse.)
Your mom's card is the /funniest/ thing I've heard today. Next time I have to evict a tenant I might go that route rather than through the courts.
I mean Flannery already looks like she'd end all of her sentence with "bitches" as it is.
April, three things:
1. LOL Bitchface... Classic!
2. Maybe Gramps was drunk like on Thanksgiving? (It WAS your grandpa that was drunk, wasn't it? If not, please disregard)
3. Your. Mom. Is. HILARIOUS!
Gosh, I feel so out of the group me not being a librarian an all... Is there any way to get honorary status or something? Maybe I need to rethink my direction in life... I like elipses...
Pshaw Rachel, even I have been a Librarian! Get with the program! :P
Rachel - I feel your pain about not being a librarian. *sigh* Oh, to be cool like them!
April - your grandpa cracks me up. And your mom - what can I say? You've taught her well.
(And I think the library patron was trying to entice you for sex. I see it didn't work)
one of our friends were over today and was talking about laminating an astros poster for her son. She has such a thick southern accent, that I thought she said she had a lemonade ashtray....I can't wait to get back home for awhile.
Okay, see, it's not even right to make me laugh that hard! I almost passed out my huge plastic shopping bag of used tissues!
Please tell your mom that I love her. And your grandpa. And you. Only not the 380-pound guy so much.
My mom is going to die of happiness that everyone found her so funny. Of course, then I'll hear about it forever. "Oh, yeah, well your friends think I'm funny." Great. :)
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