Mother Nature is a bitch.

Kristen and I did not get to see Andrew Bird in concert. From the time we woke up Friday morning until long after we went to bed that night, it snowed and snowed and snowed.

The one day either of us wanted to go into town (she lives way out in the country), we couldn't because of a freak snow storm. Her dad's work was closed at mid-day, and apparently it never closes for any reason. The roads were really bad and visibility was about one-car length in front of you. There was a 3-car pile-up on the Wisconsin side of the bridge going into Duluth, and another one on the Minnesota side. And since Duluth is a city on a gigantic hill, we decided not to risk driving in that weather.

Saturday dawned sunny, with clear blue skies. Mother Nature is a bitch.

There were some other humorous stories to share, though. Kristen and I decided to split them so we could each tell a couple.

For example, driving into town on Saturday, we noticed someone walking along the road, heading in our direction. The person seemed to be waving. Slowly we began to notice a little old lady swinging a long stick or cane towards the traffic and a little dog running along in front of her. We thought perhaps she needed help. Maybe a car broke down or something. We slowed down considerably. She didn't even glance at us. Nope, she just continued hobbling along, wildly waving her stick at oncoming traffic.

We rented a couple of movies to watch Saturday evening, also. In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown. The first movie was excellent. I liked it a lot, and I'd read the book several years ago. They stayed pretty true to the book. But Elizabethtown. Ugh. So stinking strange. It was just weirdly bizarre. It's not like it you couldn't understand it, but you couldn't stop saying "Why? What is the purpose of this movie?" And then I jokingly told Kristen that it was probably about Scientology and we just didn't realize it. She laughed.
ME: Watch, at the end of the movie when the credits come up, it'll probably say, "Produced by Tom Cruise."
(We laugh.)
KRISTEN: *reaches over to look at the movie case* Now I gotta see who did produce it.
(pause) (She shrieks.)
ME: What?
KRISTEN: It is produced by Tom Cruise!
ME: Yeah, right.
KRISTEN: I'm serious!
ME: Yeah, right.
(she hands over the case. I look at it.)
ME: (reading) "Produced by Tom Cruise." No freaking way!!!
KRISTEN: That was creepy. How did you do that?
ME: I don't know, but now I feel dirty.

Then we discussed how dumb the movie was, despite having sexpot Orlando Bloom in a starring role. Nothing was ever explained about why things were they way they were in the movie. It was very disappointing. But we were like, "For a crappy movie, it sure had some awesome music in it." Then we noticed the movie was written and directed by Cameron Crowe. That explains the excellent music, but what the crap was he thinking writing such...crap?

We also went to Toys R Us, which was going out of business and had its remaining stock at 80% off. I don't know why the store was even still open, there was absolutely nothing left to even pick over. Just a bunch of gameboy gear (no gameboys) and Fantastic Four's The Thing costumes. I found one actual toy (besides a bin full of plush toy gift card holders that were kinda crappy). A 2-foot velvety Winnie the Pooh doll, regularly $30. I bought it for Jersey for only $6. Pretty sweet, huh?

At the Dollar Store, Kristen accused a teenage couple of searching for condoms.

When Kristen made me accompany her into Wal-Mart, I literally threw up in my mouth a little just before entering.

And when I got home Sunday night, it was like walking onto the set of While You Were Out. While I was away for the weekend, my grandpa laid down new linoleum flooring in the kitchen. It looks amazing. And he installed a new set of state-of-the-art washer and dryer. They look futuristic and I'm afraid I'll break them. But they're so freaking cool looking!

Since my life is boring and there is nothing new to say besides the fact that I just ordered two boxes of Girl Scout cookies and was scandalized by the prices, I am introducing a survey-type list that found its way into my life a couple of years ago. I kept it because it amused me. So enjoy. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I ordered Thin Mints and Peanut Butter cookies.

If I were a stone, I would be: useless
If I were a tree, I would be: a weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: a whipporwill (or however you spell it)
If I were a machine, I would be: a love machine *hahahaha*
If I were a tool, I would be: a screwdriver...you know what I'm talkin' about...
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: lilacs
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: stormy
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: (well, technically, if I were mythical, I wouldn't be anything at all, would I? but for the sake of survey...) a mermaid
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: John Mayer's guitar. Mmm...
If I were an animal, I would be: a Lhasa Apso
If I were a colour, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: melancholy
If I were a vegetable, I would be: unloved by children
If I were a sound, I would be: a sigh
If I were an Element, I would be: water
If I were a car, I would be: a luxury vehicle
If I were a song, I would be: a boy-band hit
If I were to trade places with another person: I wouldn't be me
If I were a movie, I would be: Bridget Jones' Diary
If I were a food, I would be: chicken, of course
If I were a place, I would be: a shady rest area
If I were a material, I would be: velvet
If I were a taste, I would be: sweet
If I were a religion, I would be: Christian
If I were an object, I would be: a book
If I were a word, I would be: longing
If I were a body part I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smirk
If I were a subject in school I would be: literature class
If I were a cartoon I would be: Belle from Beauty and the Beast because "There must be something more than this provincial life..."
If I were a shape I would be: one round mo-fo
If I were a number I would be: 22
If I were a month I would be: April....duh?
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday
If I were a time of day I would be: 11 p.m.
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: used often
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: Dorothy Parker
If I were a liquid I would be: raspberry iced tea
If I were a method of death I would be: a bottle of pills
If I were a planet I would be: not Uranus
If I were a book I would be: Catcher in the Rye
If I were a garment I would be: a blue zip-up hoodie
If I were shoes I would be: black and blue Sketchers with skulls and crossbones.

My real-life conversations:

At Sharon's house, we were talking about Logan, who works at the newspaper with her and also at the movie theater.
Me: Ooh, you should ask him if he can get me some movie posters!
Sharon: Okay. What movie would you like?
Me: I don't know. Not Brokeback Mountain.
Sharon: Why not?
Me: Uh, because I'm 27, single, and live with my grandparents. I seriously do not need that poster!

Amanda and I were watching VH1's "50 Greatest Teen Stars." Wilson Cruz, who played Ricky on "My So-Called Life," was being interviewed.
Manda: Oh! I love Ricky!
Me: Yeah. Me, too.
(pause)
Manda: So, is he gay in real life, too?
Me: Yup.
Manda: *sigh* I wish I was gay.

Still watching that show, but several minutes later, Christopher Atkins is being interviewed.
Manda: Who the heck is that guy?
Me: He was in Blue Lagoon.
Manda: He played the boy?
Me: *straight face* No.
Manda: Shut up.

Grandpa complaining about all my books. I had just bought a box of books for $1 at the library book sale.
Grandpa: What do you need all those for?
Me: I like books.
Grandpa: Well, you don't need to keep them, do ya?
Me: Yes. For my own personal library.
Grandpa: Why don't ya just read 'em and then throw 'em?
Me: Would you make Picasso sell his guitars?
Grandpa: Huh?
Me: Nothing.

Yesterday at my day-long library meeting, we were being trained by a bigger guy. He was nice enough, but a little dorky. After a couple of hours of lecture, he'd send us to computers to apply what we'd just learned. I was helping an older woman figure it all out when he came up behind me and asked how everything was going. I said fine, and he rubbed his hand down my back. *shudder* Anyway, later he and some other male librarian kept laughing about the nerdiest things, and at this time some obscure artist.
Training Guy: *laughing at some lame quip* Actually, I really prefer the pre-Raphaelite painters.
Me: (with sudden clarity) *muttering* No wonder he lovingly caressed my back.

Movie theater audience, I wish I knew how to quit you.

I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Aunt Barb and her friend Louann. It was an excellent film, and I'd like to see it again. I recently read the short story that the movie is based on, and it follows it pretty closely. There were only a few things that bothered me. Ahem.

~When I went back to the concession stand to get my aunt some Milk Duds, the girl working there started talking to me about the movie.
Girl: My friend went to see it and she said the sex scenes were really rough.
Me: Er...okay...
Girl: But I had to go in yesterday while I was working because someone complained about the screen being blurry, and it really wasn't that bad. You don't actually see anything.
Me: Um, okay then. That's good. ha ha.
Girl: And, like, if you have an open mind about gay stuff, you'll really love this movie.
Me: Well, okay. *backing away* I read the story, so I know what it's about.
(Before I can leave, another worker comes up.)
Girl 2: I loved Brokeback Mountain! It made me cry. *she fake sniffles*
Me: Well, I know what it's about, so I'll just...go watch it, then...
Girl 2: I mean, it was really sad and...
Me: Okay, like I said. I know what it's about. Thanks. *walk quickly away with the Milk Duds*

~Anne Hathaway showed her breasts. I own The Princess Diaries, for crying out loud. Shocking, indeed. I guess she won't be making any more Disney movies.

~My aunt and her friend giggled through several love scenes. But they bought me lunch and popcorn, so I can't really complain. :)

~I was disturbed by the large number of elderly people in attendance. As if watching gay love scenes wasn't awkward enough.

~Directly behind me, and I do mean directly, sat my grandfather's sister. Yes, my great-aunt Olive was not only watching Brokeback Mountain, but she sat behind me. Out of all the seats in the theater! And for the last 15 minutes of the movie, she constantly coughed, so I could barely hear what was going on. *sigh*

But I would definitely watch the movie again. It was very well done. I don't want to say anymore in case some of you may go to see it. If only I had a private viewing room so I wouldn't have to deal with other people.

I feel ill.

You'll probably want to give me advice, right? Tell me that I should take (insert brand name here) medicine, get some sleep, take it easy. Tell me stories of when you were so sick, you couldn't even get out of bed.

No. You don't understand. I haven't caught a bug. I'm not sick. I feel ill, like the kind of ill when you walk in on your brother in the bathroom. *shudder*

Okay, so I've been crushing on John Krasinski, right? From The Office? And I was excited because he was on the Tonight Show Thursday night. He came out for his little interview, and Jay says to him, "Oh, you're a Massachusetts boy, right?" And John says yes.

So I get all super-duper happy like a preadolescent girl with her first issue of Teen Beat magazine because for some reason, I've always loved anything to do with MA. And, let's face it, John Krasinski is hot.

Anyway. Then John says, "I'm from Newton."

My heart stops.

Newton friggin' Massachusetts????

Why? Of all the towns in that state, why there?

Folks, my biological father is from none other than Newton, MA. I've never been there because he is not a part of my life. Also not a part of my life: any possible siblings or other family members on my dad's side.

So here I am, lusting after a boy who could quite possibly turn out to be a cousin or something! Ew. Gross out, people.

And then all I could think about after that was, what might have been? If my father had owned up to his responsibilities like a man, what might my life be like right now? If I'd gone to better schools, lived a different lifestyle, had less dysfunction to deal with... What opportunities did I miss out on? What might have been?

I'm not wholly unsatisfied with my life now, of course. I love my family and friends. But it would certainly be ideal to know that I'm not lusting after a long-lost relative.

Update

I just wanted to write a quick note to tell everyone about Nikki.

First of all, I am humbled by all of your care and concern. Several of you I have never met in my life, yet you took the time to pray for my family and show support. That is so awesome.

Most important, Nikki and the baby are doing fine. Apparently the equipment at the first clinic wasn't as advanced or updated as at a regular hospital. So when the woman couldn't find a heartbeat, she immediately sent Nikki to a hospital for tests.

At the hospital, the doctor found the baby's heartbeat instantly. The ultrasound showed the baby moving around, and Nikki got to keep two pictures. She's very happy and relieved, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

They're not sure why she was bleeding, but there wasn't any tissue along with it (sorry if that grossed anyone out), so it was okay. The doctor apparently thinks that the placenta hasn't dropped fully into its correct space, but he's hopeful that it will eventually. As of now, Nikki is limited to light duty at work and staying off of her feet.

Sorry to scare anyone. But I was scared, too. Our family is very happy and relieved to know that everything is okay. I hope we don't have any other scares like this again.

Again, thanks to every one of you who were so caring and kind. I appreciate it more than you could know.

Verily I say unto thee....hubba, hubba

Oh, Legolas.

You're like a Middle-earth rock star, yet your worth is greatly under valued.

With your sweetly boyish good looks and flowing blond locks, one may fail to appreciate your true worth.

The quickness of your bow and arrow. The speed of your elvish feet. Your undying and fierce loyalty--nay, devotion--to the fellowship of the ring.

Sure, some may worship the obvious hero, the rugged, sexy Aragorn. One true king and all that. Oh, I see the allure, what with his mussed hair and delectable whiskers. But you, you are the wind beneath his wings.

But as The Fellowship of the Ring comes to an end, my second book of 2006, know that I will see you many a time in my dreams yet to come.

And as the death toll rises when you slay orc after dirty orc, know that this girl's heart melts for you like a hobbit in heat.

Smite on, Legolas. Smite on.