Dear Judgmental Old Crone,
Just because I want to see the movie The Da Vinci Code when it comes out does not make me a heathen, uneducated, or ignorant of the Bible. So next time you tell me that I need to read church history, be prepared to feel like an idiot because I will not hesitate to put you in your place.
Love, April

Dear Small Talk Guy,
Calling my hair "frazzled" does not 1) Make sense, 2) Make me want to continue talking with you, or 3) Count as actual small talk. Perhaps you should look up the word "frazzled" in the dictionary. Dumbass.
Love, April

Dear Hot Boy,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming into the library and letting me behold your hotness. I apologize for the pool of drool you slipped in.
Love, April

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Sometimes when Kristen and I talk, we like to imagine future conversations we may have. Now, I don't mention this so that you, dear reader, can make fun of us. I mention it because we greatly amuse ourselves, and the following is one such conversation.

Last night on the phone, Kristen and I were discussing what would happen if I got married before she did. I noted that she would probably get very bitter and drunk (probably on one wine cooler) at the reception. This is our conversation about what her "toast" to myself and my husband would be like. Oh, and imagine us talking in slurred voices, cuz that makes it funnier.

Kristen: I'd probably be like "So, you finally got married...Well, la-ti-dah!"
April: Then you'd be like, "You think you're better than me now, don't you? Well, you're not!"
Kristen: "Bitch."
April: *laughing* Then Krista would come up and try and take the microphone away from you...
Kristen: And I'd whip it away and be like, "Leave me alone! I've got something to say!"
April: Yeah... "It'll never last, you know."
Kristen: Yeah! And then, like, let's pretend your husband's name is Brian... I'd be like, "Brian, give me a call when it doesn't work out."
April: ha ha "Yeah, give me a call when Tony comes back in her life and she dumps you for him."
We both laugh.
April: "I'll do things with you I've never done before..."
Kristen: "Like have sex...with your wiener..."

And then we laughed until we cried.