The Legend of Zero

Nicole asked for awkward high school moments. And only because she is my friend, I will comply. But I must say, I hated high school. Hated.

1) There was a boy named Jake (H.) who I think had a crush on me. This was 9th grade. He'd always hang around me, once "accidentally" touched my boobs, and would stare at me. Finally, one day in science class, he put his hand on my knee. I angrily yelled, "Stop touching me!" and kicked him in the shin. That was the last time he ever spoke to me. *deeply embarrassed*

2) A guy named Kent. Ugh. Senior year in our criminalistics class, he would harrass me non-stop. Nicole and friend Christie would try to get him to leave me alone. One day we got into a highlighter fight. Which means he started coloring on my arm with a yellow highlighter, so I colored him back with green highlighter on his neck. So then he acts all angry and literally backs me into a corner. I panicked and kicked him in the shin. Hmm...sensing a pattern. I also had a huge crush on his best friend, also in the class, and he yelled at Kent to leave me alone. So did everyone else in the class, then Nic yelled, "You act like you're in elementary school...like the boy likes the girl so he hits her." Then Kent said something like, "Exactly." There was a silence in the room as we each deciphered his reaction. Then his face turned red and shouted, "No, I don't like her!" That was humiliating.

3) Oh, and this one smarts. Had a huge crush on a boy named Matt, who was a year older than me and was my next-door neighbor. There were many awkward moments around him (including when I saw his naked rump when he got out of the shower...although, he was the one who mooned me, so I shouldn't be embarrassed), but I'll choose just one. In chemistry, some senior walked in with extremely messy hair. He'd deliberately mussed it as much as he could, like he thought it would be hilarious. So Matt did the same to his hair. I ignored him like a good little schoolgirl, and continued to concentrate on whatever experiment we were conducting. But I could hear Matt still talking about his flipped out hair, and then he said, "Hey, Amber, do that to your hair." I kept work. "Hey, Amber." Still working. "HEY! Amber! Do that to your hair!" I finally looked up to see what all the shouting was about, and wondered what Amber was in our class. Yeah. Not only was he talking to me because I have such thick, curly hair, but he'd been shouting at me the whole time, not knowing my name, and the entire class had been watching me. Finally some other upper classman goes, "Dude, that's not even her name. It's April." Matt shrugged and turned away. (One more...in a different class, he also called my hair a brillo pad. Oh, the shame...)

Okay, enough. I can't deal with any more high school stories. There are probably worse that I dare not tell. *sigh*

To stave off depression, here is a list of Smartass, Funny Boys Who I'd Make Out With.
1) Jason Schwartzman
2) Mo Rocca
3) Zach Braff
4) Jason Segel
5) Topher Grace