It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I allow this freakshow to continue.

*sigh* I guess I brought this on myself, huh? I should have known that I couldn’t make an innocent comment about being tied to a chair for three hours without someone wanting to know more. The old backfired prank story. Well, if you must know, I shall tell you.

It was my freshman year of college. I had arrived back to the dorms after Christmas break before my roommate, Floamy. Krista (Confessions of a Blonde blogger) was my bestest friend and she and another friend, Jacci (pronounced Jackie) were also back at the dorms. We decided to pull a prank on Floamy, who could be quite annoying. If you'll recall my post about my former roommate getting married and honeymooning in Italy...

Anyway. Floamy and I are from the same hometown. I had forgotten something at home and called her to see if she'd go to my house to pick it up before she headed up to campus. So after she'd picked up the item, my mom called to tell me Floamy had just left. I then calculated how much time it would take to get to the campus.

In the meantime, Jacci, Krista and I proceeded to saran wrap every item Floamy owned. Including short sheeting her bed with the saran wrap. I knew she was gonna get pissed, and she'd be more pissed at me than anyone else. She was afraid of Jacci, and Krista was saintly. So to deflect her wrath, we concocted a plan that involved me being held "hostage" by the saran wrapping criminals. About 20 minutes before I figured Floamy would be arriving on campus, Krista and Jacci saran wrapped me to my desk chair. I was bound hand and foot, and gagged. They conveniently turned on the radio so that I wouldn't be too lonesome while I waited for my roomie. They then locked the door on the way out and waited in the downstairs lobby for Floamy to arrive.

But, you see, the joke was on me. Though Floamy DID leave my house at the time my mom told me, she didn't actually leave town for more than an hour after that. And my dear friends couldn't get back into the room because they'd locked it and didn't take my key. So there I was, saran wrapped to a chair for roughly 3 hours. To pass the time, Jacci and Krista left frequent messages on my voicemail, just so I could hear a friendly voice. The radio, however, was slightly too loud and gave me a headache. And I refused to let my friends get a Resident Assistant to open the door for me. I would have been mortified.
By the time Floamy arrived, I had a full-fledged headache. She was unamused at our antics and obviously didn’t believe for a second that I had been held hostage. She went to work destroying our wrap job without hesitation or even the most minute appreciation of our efforts. Instead, she yammered on and on about her Christmas break.

That was probably the last practical joke I played on her, mostly because she has no sense of humor. Although I did ultimately get the last laugh. That night after turning off the lights, she got into her bed and was greeted by saran wrapped sheets.

Without further ado...

Forgive me for being a day late, but....


Happy Birthday, Jolene!!!!


I'm jealous of your good nature, good looks, and great figure. But you're an excellent friend and deserve the best of everything. And you should bring me to any further parties you attend, and I will act as your bodyguard. I will roundhouse kick any bitch who is mean to you. Like when I told my mom about the most recent hell you suffered through at the baby shower and how mean that woman was to you, my mom responded, "That's like kicking a puppy." Cuz you're the sweetest person ever.

Okay, enough of the sentiments. Enjoy being 27!

Hey, you don't slow-clap me, I slow-clap you!

So on Thursday I was approached by a reporter from my hometown newspaper. He asked if I would be willing to be featured for their weekly column, "Meet Your Neighbor." After turning bright red and stuttering for a while, I reluctantly agreed. Lord knows why. I don't even like running into people I know from high school, and yet I said yes to filling out a shallow survey about myself for the whole town to see. Apparently conceit won out over embarrassment.

Anyway, I filled the survey out and turned it in earlier this afternoon. I had my picture taken by a reporter and was sent on my way. I thought that for fun, I'd share with you my fascinating answers to the survey. And in italics, I'll share what I wanted to write but ultimately didn't for one reason or another.

Name: April GenericLastName

Job title: Library aide at CH and CA libraries

Years at job: A whopping 5 months.

Family members who live in town: Grandparents, mom, brother, sister and 17-mo. old niece.

Spare time activities: Reading, visiting friends in Superior, spending most of my time with my niece, Jersey, and eating.

Pet Peeves: People smoking around me, bad drivers, crowds, baby talk, stinky folks, idiots, cell phones in public places, my brother

Favorites:
Book: "Catcher in the Rye," by J.D. Salinger, "A Brief History of the Flood," by Jean Harfenist, and the collected poems and stories of Dorothy Parker, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby, and "After You'd Gone," by Maggie O'Farrell.

Movies: "Bridget Jone's Diary," "About a Boy," "Tommy Boy," and anything featuring Jack Black. Also The Goonies, Labyrinth, Dumb and Dumber, and Mystery Men.

Sports: I left this one blank, although I really wanted to draw a picture of thumbs down and then write "ppbbbttt." But I didn't think it would translate so well on newsprint.

Music: John Mayer, Phantom Planet, Beck, James Blunt, and Michael Buble. Also the BeeGees and anything from the early '90s. Sad, isn't it?

TV Shows: Scrubs, Medium, and American Idol. And most reality tv shows. I'm a junkie.

Quote: "Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye."
I really wanted to put "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

What is something about yourself that others might not know: I worked as a proofreader at Fake Name Newspaper for 3 years, and I hope to work as an editor at a publishing company some day. And I want to do Joaquin Phoenix.

Interesting place you've lived or visited: I've been to Las Vegas and Texas, but my favorite vacation was when I visited my uncle Brad in Palm Springs, CA. Runner-up was the Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD.

Describe your version of the perfect day: Getting paid to read a book. Yes, I am a nerd. I really wanted to write something about getting laid, but that may have been inappropriate.

Who do you admire the most and why: My grandparents because they're always willing to lend a helping hand or unsolicited advice to friends and family in need. Also, they were proud about me being in the paper and talking about all the people who'd see it, so I thought I'd give them a little sump'n sump'n extra to brag about. :)

I shot the sheriff, but I wish I'd hit the deputy...

Sorry dear ladies and two boys who read my blog, life has been boring of late. I don't have much to say.

Sidenote: Why don't more boys read my blog? Boys like funny girls, don't they? Don't they? Answer me, damn you!

Ahem. Forgive the outburst. I am cranky today. The reason involves food. Of course. My mom brought over cupcakes with special frosting last night. When I went to bed later, there were 4 cupcakes left. By the time my grandpa and I got up this morning, my grandma had eaten them all. FOUR cupcakes! With special frosting! Wouldn't you be annoyed? Waking up and knowing that you have to go paint the library, already having a massive headache (which may or may not have to do with dreaming about being bitten by a vampire and then stocking peanut butter ice cream at a convenience store), and the only highlight of the morning would be a lovely chocolate cupcake? Grr...

Anyway, like I said, I had to paint the walls at the library across from my house. There was a "professional" in earlier this fall to do the main walls, and I volunteered to finish off above the bookshelves. I used the term professional loosely because the guy was my former history teacher, Mr. Fitz. And when he finished painting, he made me clean up after him. Including picking up a mini fridge off the floor and putting it back up on a counter. Lazy bastard.

So I painted for a couple of hours this morning. And even though I had volunteered to do it, I'm gonna get paid. Yay! I will also get paid for attending a library workshop on a new computer program, and then for teaching it to the rest of the staff in CH.

Back to last night, Mom, Manda and Jersey came over for the second night of "American Idol." Tuesday night Kristen called during a commercial break to imitate one of the auditions. A sheriff's deputy from W. VA was auditioning in Chicago. He only sang the line "I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy," over and over and over again. It was hilarious. So Kristen called, and after I said hello, she sang that line. Then last night there was a cowboy teenager who auditioned. He was very nervous and not really a good singer (although he made it thru to Hollywood). But after a nervous beginning, he stopped and said, "I've only ever sang in front of a turkey before." At the commercial break, I called up Kristen. When she answered, I handed the phone to Manda, who promptly squeaked out, "I only ever sang in front of a turkey before." We all laughed, and I got back on the line.

KRISTEN: I was gonna call you and say, "Brokeback Mountain?"
ME: "I wish I could quit you."
We laugh hysterically. Then AI comes back on.
ME: Ooh, it's back on. Gotta go.
KRISTEN: Okay. Wish-I-could-quit-you-bye! *click*

Now I would like to take a moment to say a special thank you to the wonderful Metamorphose. Because without her and the spectacular November CD, I never would have heard of Andrew Bird or loved the song "Fake Palindromes." And without her, Kristen never would have looked him up and discovered that he'll be performing in the Twin Cities in February. So, thank you, Metamorphose. Kristen and I will be attending the Andrew Bird concert, and I will finally get to have gone to a real concert.*

*And by concert, I do not mean country music, Firehouse, or The Gin Blossoms. They don't count. Although I would totally *do* Wade Hayes.

I've been tagged, but at least I don't have to exercise to get ya'll back.

Rachel tagged me on her blog, so I'm forced to not only subject you to my own survey, but choose certain others to do the same. It's a vicious cycle, my friends.

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Dairy Queen (for 1 year and a half in high school)
Summer Staff (On my college campus for a full summer, with duties including but not limited to, Resident Advisor, painting, moving furniture, bed making, and whining about how hot it was.)
Library (Worked at three total, but the first was at my university and was the most fun. Except working with Eric, cuz he was mean.)
Kmart (for 3 friggin’ years, people. I’ll never get those years back.)

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Bridget Jones’s Diary (“Where the fuck is the fucking tuna?”)
SNL’s Best of Chris Farley (Not a movie, but hilarious nonetheless.)
Labyrinth (David Bowie. Mmmm…)
The Goonies (“Martin Sheen? That’s President Kennedy, you idiot!”)

Four places you've lived:
Superior, WI (4 ½ years for college)
Cameron, WI
Chetek, WI
Barron, WI

Four TV shows you love to watch:
Scrubs
The Office
American Idol
Medium

Places you've been on vacation:
Las Vegas, NV (twice)
Palm Springs, CA (the best vac. ever!)
Colorado Springs, CO (“That John Denver’s full of shit, man.”)
Lumberton, TX

Four of your favorite foods:
Chicken Fried Rice
Chicken Alfredo from Olive Garden
Krub (Norwegian potato dumplings smothered in milk gravy and butter)
Cream cheese wontons

Four places you'd rather be right now:
Palm Springs, CA ~ That was the best place ever. Loved it!
Boston, MA ~ Never been east. Always wanted to see Bean Town.
Spooning John Mayer in his hotel room. I’d be the little spoon.
Malibu, CA ~ Out on the pier overlooking the ocean. *sigh* Did I mention that the California trip was the best ever?

Four sites you visit daily:
All my blog buddies
Yahoo! Horoscopes
New England Paranormal (Cuz I’m a total dork)
Sitemeter (Because I NEED to see who’s visiting my site. It’s an addiction.)

Four Bloggers I am tagging:
Kristen
Krista
Jolene
Nicole

So get to work, my preciouses. *poke*

A series of unfortunate events...

Every once in a while, I have an allergic reaction to something. I get hives. This is one such random time. As far as I know, our laundry detergent hasn't changed, I'm not using different soap or lotion, and I haven't eaten anything exotic. But I have been drinking a lot of apple juice lately. Hmm.. It's my only conclusion. In the mean time, I've been liberally slathering anti-itch cream all over my arm, which seems to be the only affected area at the moment. And believe me, I'm thankful that's the only area. At the worst it's ever been, I had hives over both arms, hands, my chest, and feet. It lasted almost 4 weeks. I cried every day because the itching was intolerable and drove me crazy.

Also:
**Jersey socked me in the eye last night. It got red and a bit swollen and made me cry.

**Scary Moustache Man who works at the video rental store had my account brought up on the computer before I'd even brought my movies to the counter. Normally they ask for ID and your phone number. This is the second time this has happened with him. And I don't go in there very often.

**I walked on broken glass yesterday at Kmart. Of course, I was wearing shoes, but I still think Annie Lennox would approve.

You can dance if you want to...

Scrubs made me spill 3/4ths of my glass of apple juice all over my bed last night. That's right. Scrubs. Damn Turk and his singing "Safety Dance." Thankfully, my sexy comforter seems to be spill resistant. I got a towel and mopped up the juice, but there was barely any dampness. My clothes, on the other hand, totally soaked. I was forced to immediately change. Moral of the story: Don't drink apple juice while watching Scrubs.

How can I resist drinking diet Dr. Pepper now that Tom Jones is singing the new jingle?

Happy 22nd Birthday to Amanda today. She doesn't look a day over 14.

And remember ladies, a candy bar a day keeps the boyfriends away.

Weekend'd!

I have already completed the mix cd for the month of February. There were a few bumps in the road, though. For instance, two songs that I really, really, really wanted to add are not on the final mix. Both songs are on a cd that Kristen's computer refused to recognize. She tried and tried to make it work, but no. And she burned the wrong Beck song. And I didn't catch it until she'd burned 5 cds. So I decided that I'd just use those cds for the people I wanted to give a cd to but who aren't a part of The Librarian's Revenge cd group. She switched the Beck song and finished burning the rest of the cds. Late last night while I listened to the mix, I realized that she had yet again burned the wrong Beck song. *sigh* But it still kinda fits my theme, so I'm just gonna leave it.

I called her at work this morning. She answered at the first ring.
KRISTEN: Hello, University Library.*
APRIL: (pretending to be a patron in need of help) Yes, I have a reference question.
K: Okay.
A: Um, I was wondering... In a situation where you're burning a CD for a mass mailing...
K: (realizing that it's me) Uh-huh...
A: What are the chances....or the odds....of burning the wrong song by the same artist two times in a row?
K: (gasping) NO.
A: Yes.
K: No.
A: Yup.
K: NO!
A: Yes.
K: DANG IT!
*Generic name for privacy reasons.

Other than that, we had a fine weekend. Nothing spectacular happened. We ate a lot. Shopped a lot (but she bought more). Watched the movie Baxter, Ghost Hunters, and the complete series of The Oblongs. Kristen approved of the cartoon series. She suggested we start a petition to get the cartoon running again, like fans did for The Family Guy.

On Saturday we went to Eau Claire for some shopping fun. We ate at Oakwood Mall. I grabbed some Arby's while Kristen had Sbarro's. On our way back to my car, I heard a teenage boy talking to his girlfriend about his clothes. Pointing out his various articles of clothing, he said, "Actually, this is from Gap, this is from Gap, and this is from Gap." I immediately snickered and imitated him. Then we went to Borders, a huge bookstore. I only bought a Valentine's card for Jersey. On the front it has a little teddy bear handing a flower to a little princess. The inside says something like "A bunch of love for my favorite sweetheart." Next to Best Buy, where I refrained from buying the combo pack of The Breakfast Club, Sweet Sixteen, Weird Science and an 80s compilation cd all set in a trapper keeper. But oh, how I coveted it.

At Target, we spotted a she-male. He was in a car. He had long swingy hair, a black T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, a tattoo on his pale, flabby bicep, and a lot of necklaces. He-She was funny. It kind of reminded me of Chris Farley in Wayne's World II, when they create that giant concert. It was like, Wayneapalooza or something. I forget.

Anyway, inside the store, I got Jerz a set of two Valentine's plates. I also purchased a corkboard and dry erase board, both with a pale blue border and only $1 each. We saw a bunch of Paris items, too. I was going to send Redlaw some Paris napkins, but then it wouldn't have been fair to anyone else. Damn my sense of fairness!

Before Kristen left on Sunday, we made one last trip to Bath and Body Works. Excellent sales. Am now finished with Krista's birthday gifts, even though it's not until March. Then I went to my mom's for dinner. Nikki was telling us a story about her brother's bedroom and how fancy it is. She was talking about how much money he spent on his Egyptian cotton sheets. My mom goes, "I've never heard of such a sheet." Which made me crack up, then imitate her for the rest of the night. :)

That's all I can think of. Maybe Kristen can think of more.

So many books, so little time

For lack of anything interesting to report or any resolutions to declare, today I'm simply going to list all the books I read in 2005. You don't have to read the whole list if you don't want to. As long as you realize that I'll talk about you behind your back and spread filthy rumors about you and the senator's son.

Titles with * next to them are, unfortunately, chick lit. I read a few too many of those this last year. Titles in larger, bold text are books I highly recommend.

In the order that I finished them:

1) Snow Falling on Cedars, David Guterson
2) Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister, Gregory Maguire
3) Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, J.K. Rowling
4) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, J.K. Rowling
5) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, J.K. Rowling
6) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, J.K. Rowling
7) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, J.K. Rowling
8) The Dive from Clausen's Pier, Ann Packer
9) Falling Angels, Tracy Chevalier
10) Girls Night In*, Meg Cabot, et al;
11) The Probable Future, Alice Hoffman
12) Lynelle by the Sea, Laurie Albanese
13) Mendocino and Other Stories, Ann Packer
14) The Dark: Ghost Stories, Ellen Datlow
15) Winesburg, Ohio, Sherwood Anderson
16) I Dream of You*, Judi McCoy
17) Crazy For You*, Jennifer Crusie
18) My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands, Chelsea Handler
19) American Girls About Town*, Jennifer Weiner, et al;
20) The Other Side of the Story*, Marian Keyes
21) The Ghost Writer, John Harwood
22) Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married*, Marian Keyes
23) A Brief History of the Flood, Jean Harfenist
24) Haunted Ground, Erin Hart
25) Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, Al Franken
26) Gothic: Ten Original Dark Tales, Deborah Noyes
27) Bitter Sweet, LaVyrle Spencer (Am very ashamed to have read this)
28) Pieces, Stephen Chbosky
29) How to be Good, Nick Hornby
30) A Long Way Down, Nick Hornby
31) You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs*, Laurie Graff
32) Summer in the City*, Robyn Sisman
33) Undead and Unwed*, Mary Janice Davidson (This one made me laugh out loud a lot!)
34) Girls' Poker Night, Jill A. Davis (I'm not classifying this one as chick lit because it was a bit more substantial and a little darker.)
35) Sushie For Beginners*, Marian Keyes
36) Seventh Heaven, Alice Hoffman
37) Holding Out, Anne Fauk
38) Let's Meet on Platform 8*, Carole Matthews
39) Confessions of an Ex-Girlfriend*, Lynda Curnyn
40) Faking It*, Jennifer Crusie
41) Fast Women*, Jennifer Crusie
42) The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
43) My Lover's Lover, Maggie O'Farrell
44) Blackbird House, Alice Hoffman
45) Can You Keep a Secret*, Sophie Kinsella (I know it's chick lit, but I really liked this one!)
46) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, J.K. Rowling
47) Star Girl, Jerry Spinelli (Young Adult)
48) Bras and Broomsticks, Sarah Mlynowski (Young Adult)
49) One for the Money, Janet Evanovich
50) Two for the Dough, Janet Evanovich
51) Three to Get Deadly, Janet Evanovich
52) Anansi Boys, Neil Gaiman
53) Four to Score, Janet Evanovich
54) Haunted Sister, Lael Littke (Young Adult)
55) Girl, Interrupted, Susannah Kaysen
56) The Giver, Lois Lowry (Young Adult)
57) Eddie and the Cruisers, P.F. Kluge
58) Boy Still Missing, John Searles
59) A Northern Light, Jennifer Donnelly
60) Light on Snow, Anita Shreve
61) Chocolat, Joanne Harris

And a beer bong for the lady?

On New Year's Eve, I went shopping. For myself. And bought my sister a winter jacket. *sigh* But she really, really needed one and it was 50% off. So we decided it was her birthday present (she turns 22 in 8 days). I did get myself mucho clearanced items at Bath and Body Works, though. Mmm... Clearance.

And since I didn't like what my mom was making for dinner, I bought the makings for pizza bagels for our lil NYE party that evening. Also got 3 4-packs of wine coolers. I don't like beer and I wasn't gonna get drunk, so wine coolers sealed the deal.

My aunt Barb and cousin Justin came over. Barb left after a while to go with her husband to some casino night thing at a restaurant. Justin stayed behind to play games with us. But before that, we were all playing my Christmas dvd game, Scene It, the television version. It was a lot of fun. Except my mom kept calling me a drunk, despite the fact that my drinking total was TWO wine coolers all night. Apparently she thought she was being funny, but it was quite annoying. I made a smartass remark to her about dating men for furniture (don't remember if I blogged about that before... A guy from work gave her two chairs for free, so I accused her of sleeping with him...because I'm mean like that). Anyway, she replied, "Yeah, well, I got a marriage proposal yesterday. What did you get?" I gave her a weird look. Apparently Nikki's dad asked my mom to marry him when she offered him dinner. Although I didn't know this at the time, and she said again, "I got a marriage proposal yesterday. I didn't have to sleep with anyone to get it, either." I replied, "No, you just had to pick up his beer tab," insinuating she'd been slumming at the bar. Her face turned red and we all laughed at her. Zing!

After pigging out on all the food and Barb had left, Aaron and Nikki went upstairs and Mom went to bed. That left me, Manda, Jerz, and Justin. We were playing a Disney Trivia game (oh, you think that's lame? Well, read on). Towards the end of the game (which we never did finish), we got on the subject of that old classic tv show Saved by the Bell. Justin wondered why there wasn't a Saved by the Bell trivia game. We, too, couldn't figure out why there wasn't one. Who wouldn't want to play it? So Manda, Justin and I began making up our own trivia questions. We stayed away from the early years (with Miss Bliss as their teacher) and the college years (because they were boring).

At midnight, Manda and I toasted to the new year.
Manda: May I get laid this year.
Me: Oh, I'm pretty sure that'll happen, you whore.
*we laugh
Manda: May you get a hot boyfriend.
Me: Yes, and may his name be Steve Gonsalves. Oh, and may I also move to Massachusetts.
Manda: May I come with you?
Me: No.

Justin slept over at my grandparents' house. He and I stayed up 'til 2 a.m. playing dice and talking. The next day (or much later that day, whatever) his mom came to pick him up, and I talked her into going shopping with me. Damn that Bath and Body Works! I'm so weak. But it was all 50%-75% off! How could I resist? Ten-dollar lipgloss for only $2.50! It's so shiny and red-tinted and appley smelling.

I finished watching my Ghost Hunters season. And was broken-hearted when I saw Steve hook up with a girl on the show. :( He's supposed to be saintly waiting for me to appear in his life! Doesn't he know that? Sheesh. They'd better have broken up by now, damn it. (I'm horrible, aren't I?)

Hung out at Mom's last night, watching Saving Silverman. Oh, Jack Black. "Dude, if the nachos are stuck together....then that's one nacho."