"She's got knee-high socks, what to cover a bruise."

I took down my last post about my grandma because I kinda felt disrespectful sharing such an intimate moment, frightening as it was. She hasn't had any other episodes like that since, though I know that her future inevitably holds more.

Fantastic news, my brother gets to have Aaliyah this weekend! He hasn't had her since August, when there was a huge blow-up between Aaron and Nikki. He has since filed for divorce and for custody of Aaliyah. So far, he just has visitation rights. Nikki keeps making stuff up about him. She lied a few times in court yesterday and got caught. She didn't have a lawyer; Aaron did. Anyway, we all can't wait to finally get to spend time with Aaliyah. Which means I'll be digging out that digital camera.

(Update: They just dropped Aaliyah off with only the outfit she has on and one diaper, not a single other thing. Nice.)

The Other White Rachel has invited Kristen and me to come stay at her house when Kristen turns 30, so about another year and a half. That means tons of food, TV watching, Target shopping, and Simpsons quoting. And maybe a quick trip to Vegas. Sounds like fun to me!

Sick and creepy

I'm sick. :( I didn't go to work at either the library or the newspaper on Friday. I did do a couple hours of proofreading today, but I still feel like crap.

And yet, I have slaved away at burning cds and making the cd covers. You know what's time-consuming? Stenciling each individual letter of the cd title, "Hot -n- Creepy." Methinks I won't be taking that route next time 'round.

Really? No takers? Hmm. You no likey some Bowie? Or Sufjan Stevens? Or The Eels? Okay, too bad for you, then.

Halloween Mix

Okay, my precious ghouls and goblins, I have a little treat for a couple of lucky readers. I have a deliciously dark and disturbing mix cd just in time for Halloween that I made for a few friends, and I have just two left over. Anyone interested?

Email me with your name and address: newdorktimes at gmail dot com.* If I get multiple takers, I'll just draw two of the names randomly.

There's just one catch: You must be someone who has never received a mix from me before. So no matter whether you've only commented on Love the Details a few times, never at all, or if this is your first time stopping by, you are eligible for this mix.

So what are you waiting for? Email me!

*I promise not to reveal your name or address to any other person or to blog about it.

Stupid Michael Scott! And Kristen!

Yesterday as a teenage girl was leaving the library, she stopped to tell me that she wasn't using the computer anymore. Except she said, "I'm getting off."

And before common sense kicked in, I almost blurted out, "That's what she said!"

Dude! Do you know how much trouble I would have been in if I'd said that? To a teenage girl? Ay Dios mio!

Texting, texting, 1 2 3

Text conversations with Kristen:

K: OOO ... I have a new match on eHarmony and his name is ... wait for it ...
A: uh-oh
K: Constantine! hahahaha
A: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! How appropriate!
A: As your dad actually made a fake account and calls himself Constantine! hahahahahaha
K: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That's just wrong!
A: Or is it right?
K: No.
A: Maybe?
K: No.
A: Think about it. Carry the 9.
K: No.
A: Now subtract 3.
K: Ah, yes.

K: Zach is funnier.
A: In his gross beard dreams.
K: I LOVE beardy boys SHUT IT!
A: Yuckkkkkk.
K: DELISH.
and tickle-y
Actually, I've never made out with a beardy boy before, just stubbley.
And that was ouchie.
Stubble burn on my face.
A: hahaha I thought you wrote "stubble butt on my face."
K: ewwww! LOL
A: haha
K: I don't want to know how you get stubble on your butt.
gag
A: Your butt, not mine.
K: No, your butt.
Good grief! We're 5.
A: No, we're 4.

K: Ooooooo. Here comes the cute dark hair'd deep voice'd boy
mmmmm
yum
A: As you fart loudly.
K: LOL. NOT FUNNY. (or is it?)

K: I came out of my office just a little bit ago and some girl on a computer glared at me and gave me a dirty look!
If only she knew the power I have (i.e. fines up the wazoo!)
A: You should have silently made a sliced throat motion.
K: LOL
THAT would have gone over well.

K: I'm ordering a mini-basketball with your face on it. ha ha ha ha ha ha That would be AWESOME!
A: I'm ordering a mini-douche with your face on it.
lolololololol
K: GROSS. :(
A: heehee
K: that hort my fweings
fewings
A: PUNCH
K: I can't even type baby talk right.
round house kick
feewings
whateves
they're hurt
that's the point
hurting
ouchie
sore
fry
cry
i mean
not fry
mmmmm...fry
A: Oh, lord. How much sugar did you have today?

"You will become a great bore in your later years."

Have you noticed that the fortunes in Chinese restaurant fortune cookies are just getting worse all the time? How difficult is it to make up fortunes, anyway? Kristen and I had a ton of suggestions when Ms. Llew was seeking fortune ideas for a party. Of course, we weren't savvy enough to realize she'd been looking for Harry Potter-themed fortunes, but still. They're pretty awesome. Some of them anyway.

Here's one that my sister got just a few days ago when we went to a local Chinese restaurant for dinner.

"Time heals most everything. Give it time, time."

*gag*

And here's one Krista got a few years ago.

"If it doesn't work vertically or horizontally, try diagonally."

What the crap does that even mean???

The worst one I ever received said, "You enjoy competitive sports." No. No, I don't. That's not even remotely true. And it isn't a fortune! It's a false statement. Fortunes involve actually predicting that something will happen. For example, "Beware of the silver Cadillac. The driver's a real prick." Wouldn't you want to know ahead of time to watch out for a prick driving a silver Caddy? I sure would!

For fun, try a Bad Cookie.

"Good. Because I know that you know deep down that you deserve to be punished." ~Dolores Umbridge

I've picked up a habit from Kristen, who I believe picked it up from her friend Kate. And that habit is casually reprimanding people (without them hearing you) for being idiots in some way or another, by starting out a sentence with "Don't ..." Some things have been bothering me lately, so I'm going to post my current Don't List. I'm sure you'll find yourself picking up the habit sooner or later. Feel free to add to the list.

Don't ...

1) Wear brown rouge, ladies, unless you want to appear like an extra on the set of a zombie flick.

2) Take up the whole store aisle with your cart, then glare and flare your nostrils because people don't know which direction to go to get out of your way. And yes, I did loudly call you a snot, and you should thank your lucky stars I didn't launch a full-blown public chastisement. You're an adult, so start acting like it.

3) Be a bitchy librarian, complete with Dolores Umbridge affectations. Just because you speak in soft tones doesn't mean you are being polite. And don't tell me that I need to track down a patron for him to return materials, lady, because 1) he's your patron and 2) they're your library items.

4) Show your butt crack when you sit down or bend over. Have some freaking self-awareness.

5) Try to explain what exactly the sign means on the clearance shelf, Kmart employee, when you can't even figure out what's 75% off of $1.

6) Send me Myspace surveys with titles like "The Penis Game" and "What's Your Transvestite Name?"

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." ~Jack Handey

Well, this is a few weeks after the event, but better late than never. Amanda and I took Jersey to a local pumpkin patch for good times galore. Here's Amanda and her lil one posing behind a "pumpkin truck."



Wait, which one's the pumpkin?



I imagine his name is Ole. This is Wisconsin, you know.



One giant pumpkin, at your service.



Sorry I couldn't straighten this pic. This particular computer was being jerky.



The three of us went on a wagon ride through a cornfield and the woods. Or the jungle, as Jersey insisted it was called.



On the wagon. I'm helping to raise a goofball. At least I've done something right with my life. ;)



There was even a petting zoo at the pumpkin patch. I added this picture just for Kristen.



Feeding the goat some corn. He was a very gentle goat. I know some men who could take lessons.



Jerz and I in an old houseboat that's moored upon a ginormous mound of haybales.



I've had this picture blown up with pretty borders around it for family members.



Jersey holding a pretty kitty, which promptly scratched her poor, pudgy hands.

Attack of the '80s!

While surfing through my daily blog reads, I found a post by Nemesis that really brought back memories. She was weeding out old YA books at her library and came across loads of '80s teen dramas. And, sadly, I recall reading way too many of them. My favorite?

I Won't Let Them Hurt You, by Linda Barr. The story of a teenage babysitter who begins finding mysterious bruises on her young charge. She decides to stand up for the boy, believing his father has been abusive. Shocker: it's the mother! *gasp*

So then I started trying to remember other favorites. Check out this sweet list of YA crapola:

The Face on the Milk Carton, by Caroline B. Cooney (Who hasn't read that one?)

Homecoming, by Cynthia Voigt

Flowers in the Attic, by V.C. Andrews (almost all of the series, actually)

Why Did She Have to Die? by Lurlene McDaniel

Fear Street Series, by R.L. Stine

Don't Look Behind You, by Lois Duncan (The main character's name was April. Ooohhh!)

But one of my favorites that I still stand behind was Say Goodnight, Gracie, by Julie Reece Deaver. Still love it.

"I've got this great idea. Why don't we pitch it to the Frankling f***ing Mint?"

Update on my grandma: This past week has been highly stressful and difficult. Watching my grandma change so dramatically almost overnight from bubbly and forgetful to a woman void of energy, light, and recognition has been terrible. Worse yet has been seeing how my grandpa, a man of quick decisions and steady nerves, has been afraid and unsure of what to do.

Krista's mom, Sharon, advised me to make sure that at Grandma's doctor's appointment, she get checked for a urinary tract infection, which causes confusion in the elderly. The doctor's office called this morning and did confirm that Gram has a UTI. She will start antibiotics for it.

Now, I don't believe that the UTI is 100% responsible for Gram's current state of mind, but I'm fervently hoping and praying that it will help clear up the majority of this past week's mental decline. I just have to hold onto hope, I guess.

***********************************************************

In other news:

Kristen and I went to the Cranberry Fest in Warrens, WI with my aunt Barb and two of her friends. We split up once we got there with the intention of meeting up at 2 p.m. to head home. Kristen and I each bought rings at this sweet booth. Both are made out of sterling silver wire, and mine has two hematite stars. Love it! Kristen's has one ruby and pearl (or whatever they were) beads. I'm wishing now that we'd gone back to buy some more because they were pretty cheap.

I also got my brother a wooden frame with the name "Aaliyah" carved out of the wood, which is placed over a picture and put into a picture frame. I'm going to give it to him for Christmas. They didn't have one with Jersey's name, of course. :( I may have to look them up and order it or something.

We sampled many of the delights featured at the food booths. Cranberry cider and scones, cranberry iced tea, chicken sandwich and corndog, cheesecake on a stick, and, of course, Kettle corn. Mmmm.

Quotes from the weekend:
In Kmart, discussing what movie we should rent, Kristen loudly: Let's get Knocked Up!

From Knocked Up, when Ben finds that all of his roommates have pink eye: What did you do, give each other butterfly kisses?

Kristen, hitching up her pants: My bags are pantsy.

Also, we may or may not have come up with approximately 3 new "songs." And voiced our own commentary on our E! True Hollywood Story.