I've picked up a habit from Kristen, who I believe picked it up from her friend Kate. And that habit is casually reprimanding people (without them hearing you) for being idiots in some way or another, by starting out a sentence with "Don't ..." Some things have been bothering me lately, so I'm going to post my current Don't List. I'm sure you'll find yourself picking up the habit sooner or later. Feel free to add to the list.
Don't ...
1) Wear brown rouge, ladies, unless you want to appear like an extra on the set of a zombie flick.
2) Take up the whole store aisle with your cart, then glare and flare your nostrils because people don't know which direction to go to get out of your way. And yes, I did loudly call you a snot, and you should thank your lucky stars I didn't launch a full-blown public chastisement. You're an adult, so start acting like it.
3) Be a bitchy librarian, complete with Dolores Umbridge affectations. Just because you speak in soft tones doesn't mean you are being polite. And don't tell me that I need to track down a patron for him to return materials, lady, because 1) he's your patron and 2) they're your library items.
4) Show your butt crack when you sit down or bend over. Have some freaking self-awareness.
5) Try to explain what exactly the sign means on the clearance shelf, Kmart employee, when you can't even figure out what's 75% off of $1.
6) Send me Myspace surveys with titles like "The Penis Game" and "What's Your Transvestite Name?"
Acquiring a Nemesis
3 years ago
10 comments:
Dang it! I was totally going to send you a Penis bulletin. Now my day is ruined!!!!
How about "Don't tell me I'm wrong when you damn well know I'm right?"
I laughed at #2. It reminded of the time I called my neighbor an asshole to his face--loudly.
After that incident, my 11-year-old nieces asked me if it was true that I called my neighbor a bad word. I replied in the affirmative. When they asked why, I said, "Because he was one."
I would say good times, but they weren't. He *was* an asshole.
Fat, ugly, and stupid, too.
Krista, Who in the world would try to tell you you were wrong? Don't they know your wrath???
TOWR, are you referring to the dog owner? Because he totally *was* an asshole.
Does number one apply to ladies with brown skin? It seems like those without a light skin tone who wear rouge that's pretty much just the standard pink color look as strange as when the porcelain skinned wear brown rogue.
Excellent point, Michael. What are these ladies thinking?
People suck. RARRRR!
There was a more innocent time when people who let their cracks show were middle-aged plumber types who were clearly so troubled with the world's many leaks that you could hardly blame them for not being self-aware enough to buy new pants. What really bugs me is the phenom that has developed since low-rise jeans fell upon us -- the rosy teen girl crack (usually with accompanying thong). These crack sightings are not accidents. They are carefully orchestrated by these selfsame crack-hos in order to enslave all men who are slaves to their penises. It's a plot for world domination -- I'm tellin' ya. But more importantly, it wearies my eyes.
Marie, I think you're on to something there. I'm sick of these crack-pushers, forcing unsavory sights on the rest of us.
Don't have personalized plates that read "Shi Guy".
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