"Never dorken my door again."

Well, as you know, I went up to Kristen's brand new house in Superior last weekend to help her move. It was pretty exhausting, but fun and fulfilling, too. And since I had my new digital camera, I have a couple pictures to share with you.

One of the highlights of moving, at least in my opinion, is unpacking little knick-knacks and decorations and deciding where to put them. Here we have Kristen enthusiastic about finding her stash of unicorn figurines. She claims not to remember being that into unicorns, but take a look at her excited expression.



After all of her unicorn treasures were found, she knew exactly where she wanted to put them: in the guest bedroom for her visitors to enjoy!



But after all that unpacking fun, there was a lot of dishes to wash.

Luckily, Kristen's dad installed the dishwasher, so we were saved from that chore! I would show more pictures, but I'm sure Kristen would like to post some of her own once she gets it looking the way she envisions. Plus, the rest of the pictures show Kristen growing more and more irritated at my continual picture taking. I did help pick out her curtains for the living room and dining room, and we put together an end table, her tv stand, and a bathroom shelving unit. We're awesome.

So, other than moving furniture and boxes, doing moving-in type things, the weekend was uneventful. I mean, we did have a good laugh at her neighbor across the street when we saw him staring at himself in a gigantic mirror, gesturing wildly at his mirrored reflection, and then suddenly falling over. We gathered that Kristen will have many more moments to enjoy his weirdness, as we imagined Kristen sitting in her darkened living room staring across the way and silently smoking a cigarette. Not that she actually smokes, but it made the fantasy that much funnier.

I told Kristen that when my car loan is all paid off, which should be this week, I'd like to go back to Curves. Except instead of saying Curves, I said Culver's. Repeatedly.

And we decided that anytime someone unwanted shows up at her house, she should say, "Never dorken my door again." It's the perfect insult. :)

Anyway, in work-related news, we had a second break-in that resulted in stolen money. When I spoke with the police officer, I let him know how annoyed I was about him saying it was just our "overactive imaginations." He says, "I don't know where she (my boss) came up with that. I never said that!" Right. Anyway, I told him my very meticulous and thought-out theory on how the intruder was getting in (which door, etc.), and he just said, "Well, that doesn't mean anything." And he kept concentrating on the porn on the computers. The second time he came to the library, he waves his hands toward our circ desk monitor and says, Dubya-esque, "Now, uh...are you, uh, wireless?" Like he wasn't sure of the terminology.

Me: No. And my boss already gave you that information.

PO: Oh. Well, uh. I thought maybe that's how they were getting porn on the computers. They were hacking in from outside the building.
Me: *deep breath, trying not to sound like a bitch* Regardless. That wouldn't explain the missing money. Or the missing notes. Or the furniture moved.

PO: *puts his hand on his hip, shakes his head* Oh, yeah. That's right.

I could have screamed. So freaking stupid. So, although my theory didn't "mean anything," once the lock had been changed (the lock I said the intruder must have found an extra key for), no more unauthorized visits. Hmm, but what do I know? I'm just a stupid girl who works in a library.

Anyway, here's a pic of Aaliyah that I took today. Isn't she just an adorable, toothless love bug?

Don't you just want to squeeze those little cheeks?

Heart of a Nerd

I was going to post a picture of the cover I made for the mix cd, but I've given up after 48 attempts. However, I did get the cds made, and those of you living outside Wisconsin who requested a mix will get yours dropped in the mail today. I hope it makes you oh so happy.

Heart of a Nerd was created not only to celebrate general nerdiness, but also to seduce and nurture your own inner, sexy nerd.

Dear Assface Biker,

So sorry to interrupt your public brooding and menacing stance. I didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities and get your kerchief in a bunch by wondering if you were coming into the library. I didn't realize smoking and wearing black leather in front of the public library with a crowd of other bikers was the cool thing to do at 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Gee, it sure would be nice to open the windows to allow some fresh air to circulate. But I guess you guys need to smoke a few more cigarettes before heading out. Hope you swallow a bug while enjoying the open road.

Love, April

Dear Bald Sir at the Grocery Store,
Nice "No Fear" ankle tattoo. I guess 1995 is alive and well, if only on your hairless leg.
Love, April

Conversations:

Last week my grandma was obsessed with how pretty the moon was. One night she came up to my room and noticed I had the shade drawn over my window.
Grandma: How come you have the shade down? You can't see that big, full moon outside.
Me: Because I didn't want anyone to see my big, full moon.
Grandma: Oh, you! *laughing*

My mom was kneeling on the living room carpet when Jersey decided to climb up. She ended up sitting more on the top of my mom's (mini) stomach roll.
Jersey: No, Gram. I wanna sit on your other lap.

Last night my mom and I were on the phone discussing American Idol since she and I are both Bee Gees fans. My mom has a major thing for Barry Gibb.
Mom: John accused me of checking out Barry's package.
Me: Were you?
Mom: Well, yeah! I thought I was being sneaky, but I saw him noticing.
Me: You saw John noticing Barry's package, too?
Mom: NO!

Yesterday at work, I was helping two guys at the computer. One guy printed a map. He came up to the desk to pay for it. I told him how much it was.
Guy #2: Don't forget, you didn't pay last time you printed something.
Guy #1: Oh, yeah! That's right.
Me: Don't worry about it. The first time's a freebie.
(My face suddenly turns red.)
Guy #1 and Guy #2: OOOHHHH!!!
Me: Lesson learned. No matter how innocent I mean it, never say "first time's a freebie" to men.

And Amanda just informed me of a new Jersey classic this morning. Amanda woke up first and went to the bathroom. From where the bathroom is, you can see right into her bedroom. Jersey woke up and rolled over.
Jersey: Hi, Momma.
Amanda: Hi, Jerz.
Jersey: Whatchu doing?
Amanda: Just going potty.
Jersey: Okay.
Jersey turns back over and farts really loud.
Jersey: Ah, my fart said good morning to me.

Stinko de Mayo

I was planning to blog on Saturday, but I got sidetracked with a library mystery. I can't really go into details, but it involves a possible break-in and a whole lot of porn on the computers. Yeah. Lucky me. And I thought the Ides of March were bad.

Oh, and it's always reassuring when the police officer you're reporting a possible crime to thinks that it's just your over-active imagination. Nice.

"You know how it's hard to be friends with me because I'm so awesome? Well, it's about to get harder."

My life is mega boring. My dreams, however, are pretty sweet. I've made out with two boys, 2 nights in a row. And last night? I totally had super powers. It was awesome.

For lack of anything exciting, I'll give you a couple more Jersey stories. I know, I know. She isn't even 3 yet, and she's already more blog-worthy than me.

My mom, her boyfriend John, and Jersey were outside one warm spring day. It was quite windy, and Jersey was wearing a sundress. The wind whipped her dress up over her head. After fighting to put it back down, Jersey turned to my mom and John and said, "What the hell was that?"

Jersey got her first tour of her soon-to-be new school (Headstart). One of the teachers was asking Jersey some questions. They started talking about American Idol.
Teacher: Jersey, who is your favorite American Idol?
Jersey: Um, Chris Daughtry.
Teacher: Ooh, I agree. I like Chris Daughtry.
Jersey: I like Chris Daughtry, but I hate dog puke.
Teacher: I hate dog puke, too.

Jersey was dancing in the sunlight on the kitchen floor. She asked my mom what the light was.
Mom: That's just the sun shining through the window.
Jersey: Like a summer day in 1995.
(Seriously. She said that. We have no idea why.)

Here's something exciting for all you music lovers out there. I am working diligently on making an awesome mix cd. I won't divulge the theme yet, but it'll gently rock your face off. I have a few people already in mind to send the mix to, but I'm also willing to share it with a few others. You can email me now if you'd like a copy, or wait until I post a pic of the cover to see if you're interested. April's email: newdorktimes at gmail dot com

My Precious

Soon, my precious. Soon we will be together. Just a few more layaway payments. What? No, of course there's no one else. It's just, you're spendy. And Mama has other bills to pay. Yes, you're worth the money, baby. You know I love your 7.2 MP for big prints and tight crops. Not to mention your 3X Optical Zoom and that big ol' 2.0 inch LCD screen. Please, just try to be patient.

"Son of a nutcracker!"

The other day at Goodwill, I was writing out a check while the cashier tried to talk with Jersey. Suddenly, Jersey says, "Son of a nutcracker!"

The startled cashier looked at me. "What did she say?"

Amanda and I were giggling in surprise. "Um, I think she said 'Son of a nutcracker,'" I said.

The cashier nodded once and turned away. Amanda and I hustled out the doors, guffawing loudly. I don't know where Jerz comes up with this stuff.

Anyway, as promised, here are a few pictures of Jersey and Aaliyah from Easter.

This one makes me laugh a lot!

Aaron and Aaliyah.

My mom with Jersey and Aaliyah.

Also, my cousin Andrew and his wife Jessica had a baby boy on April 20th. Welcome to the world, Zayne Andrew!

Interview'd!

So, I stole this from the lovely Chica, who got it from somewhere else, and so on and so on. Chica emailed me five interview questions, which I will now post and answer.

1. Who has been the greatest love of your life so far? (It can be a lover, a friend, a relative, anyone you love/have loved.)
While my love supply was severely depleted by that enigma known as Tony, hands down the greatest love of my life has been my niece, Jersey. I've watched her grow from this tiny creature who captivated me with her fragility, innocence, and dependence, to this beautiful little girl who is wildly creative, super smart, and so hilarious that she's left me in tears. Obviously, I love Aaliyah, also. But since I don't get to see her very often, our bond isn't as strong. Jersey has been a part of my life almost daily since the night she was born. I can't imagine loving anyone more.

2. What is your fondest childhood memory?
This one is a bit more difficult. Most of my childhood memories are filled with things children shouldn't have to be exposed to. I guess the earliest memory I can recall with fondness, without it being marred by an evil step-father (I've had two) or one of my mom's ex-boyfriends, is when I traveled out to Washington state with my grandparents. I was only 14, so I couldn't help my grandpa drive. I loaded up on Drammamine because I get carsick, and I read probably 20 books there and back. I got to see Glacier Park in Montana, Mount Rainier and Mount St. Helens in Washington, the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, and Mount Rushmore. All while listening to Aerosmith's Get a Grip album. There's nothing freakier than listening to "Livin' on the Edge" while actually driving on the edge of a mountainside.

3. Why do you blog?
I started blogging in early 2001 as a way of expressing my feelings, albeit in an open forum where strangers could lurk and/or comment. I was still in college at the time and needed a way to vent my frustrations over a crappy relationship, my class work, and family dramas. I've continued blogging because I like it. I like to entertain, make people laugh. And it's nice to get feedback on some personal issues. Mostly, the people who read my blog have become friends, and I don't want to lose that connection.

4. What is your biggest ambition?
The same as any other former English major, to write the great American novel. Of course, it would help if I had some idea to work from. Details, details.

5. What makes you feel better when you're feeling blue?
Bridget Jones's Diary. Elephant Tracks ice cream. My blue and green robot blanket. Phantom Planet's "Lonely Day." SNL's Best of Chris Farley. Kristen, Krista, and Jolene. People tripping in public. Reading my favorite blogs. Jersey. Fluff books. Daydreaming about certain boys.

Okay, ladies and gents. That's my interview. If you are interested in your own interview, read on.
- Leave me a comment including your email address saying, “Interview me!”
- I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all. Or else.
- You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.- You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
- When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

"Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you people."

Well, we didn't crash the singles meeting at Perkins, mainly because they were all over 50. They were all meeting in the parking lot before going in together, so Kristen and I got an eyeful as we waited for her friend Kelly to arrive. One man zoomed through the parking lot, and Kristen yelled, "Don't get so close to my car, you single bastard!"

After Kelly arrived, we went in for dinner. Kelly was sorry she missed seeing all the old singles and kept thinking of ways to go sneak a peek. I think first she was going to take a long route to the bathroom. Then later as we left the restaurant, she wanted us to walk behind the building to peek through the windows. Because that wouldn't be conspicuous at all. :) Luckily, she wasn't wearing proper shoes.

Since it was also Kelly's 6-month anniversary with her boyfriend, and she was trying to think of something fun they could do, I asked where they had gone on their first date. She quipped, "To my bed." hahaha She was kidding, btw. But Kristen and I kept thinking about it and laughing all weekend.

K-Lo and I later went to rent videos, and as she was checking out, Video Dude informed her she had late fees for three late returns. She disagreed. Then I stood for 10 minutes as Video Dude and Video Chick consulted the computer and kept repeating the date the movies were checked in, and Kristen kept insisting that she'd returned them the night they were due. Finally she said that she'd also checked out movies the same day she'd returned her others. Sure enough, once Video People checked the computer, they saw she was right. Victory! Then, once Video Dude checked out her new movies, he said to Kristen, "Just make sure you get these back before we close on Wednesday." I thought, "Hey, jackass. Try checking them in on time. Der."

So we thought we'd rented a couple of horror films. One looked pretty good. It was called Between the Walls. We start watching it, and right away we know it's low budget. This guy, Peter, is packing up everything in his parents' house because the bank is foreclosing on it. And there's a secret room that his dad never let anyone into, but since good old dad is dead, in they go. Lo and behold, dad had recorded everything that ever went on and had held it against Peter. So Peter is super angry, but his best friend (who just happens to work at the bank that's foreclosing) continues to preach the Bible to Peter. Every other sentence starts out, "Well, remember when the Israelites...blah blah blah."

Kristen and I realized that we'd picked up a Christian film!! hahaha Talk about horror! It was so cheesy. The part that makes me laugh the most is when Peter's wife tells him she's picked up a double shift at work, and off she goes. Then Peter starts listening to the tapes his dad had recorded, gets angry, and smashes all the dishes on the floor. Late that night, Peter's wife walks in, wearing a flannel shirt, and sighs.
Me: Damn it, Peter! She just worked a double shift! She doesn't need to pick up your mess.
Kristen: What's her job? Lumberjack?
Me: Uh, it's lumberjill.

Later Kristen was staring at my pajama top, which was just an aqua-colored T-shirt with a picture of a rooster on it.
Me: What?
Kristen: I just don't understand. Why a rooster?
Me: What's funnier than a rooster on my chest?
(1 minute later)
Kristen: *starts laughing* That is pretty funny.
Me: That's what I'm saying.

On Saturday we went to an antique store because Kristen had found some pretty sweet 40s sheet music that she was going to frame, and I wanted to copy her. I didn't find any I liked. Oh, well. We also visited the public library, which was having a booksale, and Kristen picked up some books for her grandmother and a 1920s book for herself. Then we went to the children's room to visit Kelly. Kristen showed her the old book.
Kristen: Look what I got!
Kelly: *taking it* What, is this like, super awesome or something?
Kristen: *sighing* Ugh, it's from the twenties!

Then Kelly asked what we were doing at the library.
Kristen: We just stopped to check out the book sale, come say hi to you, have you criticize my purchases. You know.

Then on to Famous Dave's, which is famous for its barbecue. If you've never been to one, you're missing out. Mmm... Before we even got our food, Kristen reached for the barbecue sauce bottle, and a big glob squirted out. She grabbed a paper towel to mop it up. She touched the bottle, and more squirted out. She grabbed another paper towel. Five paper towels later, I told her to stop touching the bottle. And of course, Kristen had use for several more because she'd ordered barbecued chicken, and it got all over her hands, arm, shirt, etc. There was a mountain of used paper towels on her plate by the time we were finished eating. So she put them all on my plate to make it look like I was the messy one.

After that we did some shopping. We roamed around Barnes & Noble and DSW. Target. Fashion Bug. Dollar Store. It was exhaustive. We finally just headed back to Kristen's house for dinner and TV watching. I continued to read after Kristen fell asleep. We were facing each other when all of a sudden her whole body jerked. I almost screamed. She opened her eyes. "Sorry." She flipped over. A minute later her foot jerked. She turned to face me, "There was a car coming at me. Had to hit the brakes." She went back to sleep.

The next morning when we woke up, I looked at her blurrily. There was something strange.
Me: Your lips are orange.
Kristen: Doritos. Before bed. *goes back to sleep*

On Sunday we had a small lunch at Applebee's, then went to see Blades of Glory. It was pretty funny, but exactly what I expected it would be. Still made me laugh quite a bit, though.

Then, home I went. I'm probably forgetting parts. Ah, well. So it goes.

"I'm not creative like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness."

I don't have my film developed from Easter yet, but I should by this weekend. I'll be sure to post lots of pictures of Jersey and Aaliyah in their fancy dresses. Cuz I know you're dying to see them. :) But I can tell you that Jersey wore a white sundress with butterflies, and Aaliyah wore a pink dress with white polka dots, and a little white crocheted sweater. So stinking cute!

Well, we only got to have Aaliyah for about 2 hours on Easter Sunday. Aaron and Nikki are still separated, and it's not amiable, to put it lightly. After Aaliyah was picked up, we had our Easter egg hunt for Jersey. She got all bundled up in a tracksuit, with the skirt of her dress hanging out. I'd already used up all my film by that point. (*sigh* Someday I'll invest in a digital camera.) Aaron and Amanda had hidden the eggs all around the yard, but they were still pretty visible. We made our way to a line of trees at the front of the yard next to the road. I could see a bright green plastic egg that was cracked open. I whispered to Amanda, "Did you just throw the egg on the ground? It's open." She swore she'd set it down gently, and it was fine when she went in the house. Aaron agreed. We slowly made our way over there. Not only was the egg open, but someone had actually taken out the candy and left the wrapper. We were shocked that someone had had the audacity to come into our yard in broad daylight and steal a kid's candy.

We picked up the egg and wrapper anyway, and stuck it in Jersey's basket. In case the candy thief was still anywhere around, I raised my voice so they could hear. "Come on, Jerz. Looks like some JERKFACE took your candy on EASTER SUNDAY. Pretty LAME, huh, Jerz?"

Oh, and my mom's boyfriend, John, has a new dog. One of those mini chihuahuas. She's all white and teeny tiny. I asked what her name was.
John: Her name is Jenna.
Me: Jenna? What kind of name is that for a dog?
John: (silence)
Me: Jenna? What, is she named after your favorite porn star or something?
(I'm such a freaking smartass sometimes.)
Mom: April!
(I thought I was in trouble.)
Mom: You are so smart. Did he answer you?
Me: No.
Mom: Look at his face, and you'll have your answer.

So, yeah, his face was beet red and he wouldn't talk to me. My smartass comment had hit the nail on the head. The next day, his face still red, John goes, "You know, I was so embarrassed yesterday, I never thought to ask you how you know that's a porn star name." Relax, people. I've never seen her in action. I think I've heard the name on Howard Stern or something.

I guess Cara brought Tyler over to my mom's house sometime this week, trying to get Amanda to babysit him. Amanda refused because Tyler never listens. I guess Tyler kept throwing Jersey's toys around and getting in her face and saying mean things. Jersey got really mad, pointed a finger in his face and told him an asian beetle was gonna get him.

Later, as they were leaving, Jersey watched them out the window. She turned around with a disgusted look on her face. She said to Amanda, "That kid's an asshole."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Usually, I'd be the first one saying how inappropriate that language is from a 2-year-old, but it's so funny. I told my boss about it. She goes, "Well, Jersey is a very good judge of character." haha

So, after work today I'm headed up to Superior to visit Kristen. We may or may not be crashing a singles meeting. Probably depends on how cute/old they are. Also, we're having a dinner and a movie night. Kristen has a sweet book with a recipes to correlate with certain movies. These are the ones we're currently trying to decide among:

~The Breakfast Club, with Breakfast Club Sandwiches
~Footloose, with Kevin Bacon and Cheese Hush Puppies
~Saturday Night Fever, with Tony Manero's Mozzerella Marinara

Also in the May or May Not category, if I can get an appointment with Kristen's excellent, funky, awesome hair stylist, I could come back home with a new look. Or I may come home sporting the same boring style. We'll see how it goes.

My Aunt Barb called to invite me to Red Lobster tonight to celebrate my cousin's 18th birthday. I happily accepted.
Me: And guess what? I straightened my hair today!
Barb: Really? Wow. I've never seen you with straight hair.
Me: Yes, I'm sure you'll be quite excited to see it.
Barb: Well, I colored my hair today.
Me: Hey! There's reason enough to go out on the town.
Barb: Straight hair, huh? That's so American Idol!
Me: Yeah. Just call me Sanjaya!
Me: hahahaha
Barb: hahahaha
Me: Please don't call me Sanjaya.

Happy Easter!

Dear America,
Must you continue to show your ignorance? I mean, it was bad enough when you re-elected Dubya. But now there's this American Idol nonsense. Why is Sanjaya still in the competition? He can't sing. He can't dance. He smiles like a patient at a long-term mental health facility. And don't even get me started on his hair. You eliminated Stephanie Edwards, Chris Sligh, and now Gina Glocksen. Really? Am I really living in a country of freaking morons? Who the hell is voting for Sanjaya and trampy Haley Scarnato? You should be beaten by a 5-pound bag of shit. Now knock it off.
Love,
April

Dear Library Patrons,
Start washing yourselves. It's not fair that I have to smell your greasy hair or cigarette smoke-infused clothes. And if you're sick, stay home. Why should I have to inhale your nasty germs? Can't you even freaking cover your mouths when you cough or sneeze? For God's sakes, my Clorox Disinfecting Wipes can only cover so much area. Didn't your mothers' teach you basic hygiene skills? Don't make me shove you into a wading pool of bleach.
Love,
April

Last week my mom had Jersey help her bake some cookie bars. Mom cracked open a couple eggs into a bowl. Jersey was ready with a spoon.
Jersey: Mash them eggies, Gram?
Gram: Yup, mash 'em, Jerz.
So Jersey got to mash them. And then later when no one was in the kitchen, she mashed some more eggies into the refrigerator shelves.

Last Tuesday night, I turned on American Idol. Grandpa stood in the doorway for a moment. We watch as all the contestants cross the stage. Gramps points at Sanjaya Malakar.
Gramps: Let me know when that gink comes on, will ya?
Later...
Me: Grandpa! He's on!
Grandpa rushes into the living room to watch Sanjaya "sing."
Gramps: Good God. Look at his hair.
Me: What an idiot.
Gramps: Get on that phone and vote against him.

"Oh, I tell a great story, and I'm a liar? But Harry Potter does it, and he's your favorite author?"

Things That Irritate Me:
*The word "bling." It's ridiculous. No one sounds cool saying it. No one. Especially not 40-year-old men with fake gold necklaces that leave dirty green marks.
* The new TREsemme commercial where the girl with the curly hair complains that she looks "like a poodle." And the stylist's solution? Why, straightening her hair, of course. Well, screw you, TREsemme. I have curly hair. Deal with it.
*Some moron gave Andrew Dice Clay his own reality tv show. What the crap? Why? Because we need to see some old fart walking around in Zooba pants and sleeveless shirts, acting like he's some hot shot? This guy was never funny. Maybe people thought he was funny because of the shock value of his stand-up, but it doesn't hold up today.
*As much as I love John Krasinski, I'm severely irritated that in his upcoming romantic comedy, his new romantic lead will be Mandy Moore. Yuck times a billion. As my boss said when we were reviewing this still pic from the movie, "What kind of person would wear a shirt like that to see a pastor?"

Things I Love:
**Myspace. Since I joined Myspace.com, I have found several friends from college. People who have found me include another college friend, my best friend who moved to Alaska in 9th grade, and a former pen pal from Boston. Also, I got to correspond with two former American Idol contestants, Joseph Murena and Judd Harris, both from Season 4.
**Jersey when she's bossy. "Listen to ME, guys. Pay 'tention! April gets time out in blue chair."
**Cheddar Cheese Combos.
**A brand new pretty notebook for list making.

"Pinchers of Peril. I've been saved by my Pinchers of Peril!"

Cara made me accompany her to a local Open Mic Night to hear her boyfriend sing. We got there at 7:30 p.m., and her BF didn't go on until 10:45. Me so cranky. But good for you, because I was at my sarcastic best. Mostly in my head, but whatever.

First guy singing, I guess, was the host. He was older and kinda cute, but he had a very twangy voice. His hair was perfectly mussed. He wore a black button-down, long-sleeved shirt tucked into incredibly tight Wranglers. In my head, I called him Keith Urban.

I should mention that since we arrived late, the only seats available were at the bar directly in front of the stage. The stage was just an open bit of floor with various amps, mic stands, and musical instruments. So my seat was front and center not only for the musicians, but also the path to the bathroom. And because of a mirror's strange location, I could see into the men's bathroom every time the door opened. I amused myself greatly by pretending I could see them peeing so that I could shout, "I saw a boy penis!" I laughed a lot, and no one knew why.

Very shortly after I sat down, a woman whom I'd seen earlier that afternoon in the library came over to shout in my ear, "Wow! I had to come over and say hi to my LIBRARIAN!" Like it was the weirdest experience ever. Or as if I was breaking some rule, sitting in a restaurant/bar sipping diet Pepsi.

I also saw my car insurance agent. He plays a mean guitar.

There were also a lot of teenagers in the place. The boys had that slightly emo look, with the long, shaggy hair and tight clothes. The girls were dressed way too old, perfectly applied makeup, too loud laughter. I thought I recognized one tall boy, then sure enough, I saw his mom right behind him, my boss! I guess he was filling in percussion for his buddies' band.

After one group of people finished jamming (my word, not theirs), Keith Urban introduced the teenagers.

Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Huh?
Teen 1: Sweet Action.
Keith Urban: Uh... Right. Yeah, okay.
I look at Cara.
Cara: That's their band's name. Sweet Action.
Me: Oh! I thought it was just a compliment.

Okay, now I must break away from the night's excitement just for a moment to ask, do you remember the movie That Thing You Do!? And in particular, the guy who played the lead singer of The Wonders, Jimmy? Remember how Jimmy was temperamental and everything had to be exactly the way he wanted it? That's just how Teen 1 was.

Sweet Action did pretty well for a group of 16- and 17-year-olds, but Teen 1 acted kind of like a douche. When one person in the audience shouted out a song for them to sing, Teen 1 sneered and said, "We don't accept requests." Then he argued with the bass player about something, and jerked the microphone back towards himself. That was one uptight kid. Sure there were several mistakes made, but they were good. Especially the boy in the "Smile, Jesus loves you." shirt.

Couple more sets of people got up to sing. Including two old guys who sounded about as northern as you could get. Then the older of the two goes, "This next song goes out to all you easy ladies out there. Raise your hands!"
Me: *cross my arms and flare my nostrils*
Cara: *raises hand and waves*

Around 9:30, the chick from the library stumbles back over to me. She'd obviously had several more drinks. She leaned in close.
Chick: Howdju even get that job?
Me: Oh... I guess I was just in the right place at the right time. Plus I'd worked in a library before.
Chick: Really? *wobbles* So you need experience? Cuz I got a degree in education. And I think my minor was Library.
Me: Er...right. Library.
Chick: So, I was like... Goddamn.
Me: Uh-huh.
Chick: And you wouldn't ever leave that job. *she narrows her eyes* Right?
Me: Well--
Chick: Cuz that would be a sweet job. If you ever quit, can you call me?
Me: *smile*
Chick: Bye!

By the way, she stared at me all night. With a smile on her face.

Then Tyler, Cara's son, started crying and having a fit because he was hungry. (Yes, he was there. On a school night.) Cara didn't have any money, so I drove him across town to get something to eat. I drove slowly, hoping that by the time I got back, Cara's BF would be done so I could go home and go to sleep. No such luck.

My insurance agent and his lady partner were on the last song of their set. More people got up to sing. More people staggered past to use the bathroom. Including my old high school tech teacher (or did he teach woodshop?) and a garbage man. Who also dropped his glass of beer on the floor. Drunky.

Finally, at 10:45, Cara's BF went up there. Keith Urban jammed on percussion. Cara's BF introduced a song he wrote.
CBF: It's called "Sometimes It Rains." I also wrote a sequel.
Me: "Sometimes It Doesn't?"
Cara: Shut up.

I wish I could remember the other funny things I said. But it was such a long night, and I had so many sarcastic things to say. However, here's one final story from at work.

I was at the library, working (or maybe IMing Metamorphose) at a computer that faces the window. I saw a bright yellow DHL van pull up. The delivery guy was walking up to the door, and at first all I noticed was the hideous yellow and red shirt he was wearing. I laughed and called him Ronald McDonald. Then I noticed he was mega hot. I casually made my way up to the counter so I could be the first to help him. He came in and right to me. He smiled. I melted. He had curly brown hair to his shoulders. And blue eyes. So. Freaking. Hot. We commented on the weather as I signed for the package. He smiled again. I heard him say, "Thanks. Have a nice day." Then he left.

My co-worker rushed to my side.

Co-Worker: What did he say to you??
Me: *puzzled* What? He just said "Thanks. Have a nice day."
Co-Worker: Oh, no, he didn't! That's not what I heard!
Me: What did you hear him say?
Co-Worker: I heard him say, "Thanks, Babe."
Me: *blushing, laughing* No, he didn't!
Co-Worker: Yes, he did!
Me: He didn't, but I'll pretend he did.

Later in the afternoon, Boss and Co-Worker were standing beside me, talking. They had noted how pale I was earlier in the morning. Now Boss looks at me.

Boss: You have some definite color in your face now. Very red. You must be feeling better.
Me: *blushing* Actually, I was thinking about the delivery guy!
*we all laugh*
Boss: Maybe I should order from that service more often.
Me: hahaha-DO IT.

**10 points to the person who knows where my title quote came from. No cheating by doing a search, either.

"You are coming to a sad realization. Cancel or allow?"

They say to beware the Ides 0f March. They weren't freaking kidding.

So on Thursday, March 15 (that would be the evil ides), I was working at the CA library. This is the one where I work alone. Normally I don't work there on Thursdays, but I was filling in for a co-worker who was on vacation.

I begin performing normal opening procedures. Turn on the lights and computers. Open circulation program. Put away returned books. Then I go into the second room to type in the passwords on each of the public access computers when I notice a giant puddle of water on the computer desk. My eyes beginning to widen in horror, I notice that there is also water on the keyboard and all down the monitor.

Had someone spilled a drink the day before and not reported it? Had I not noticed it when I'd closed for the day? Splash! I look up. There was a leak from the ceiling, dripping down onto the computer. Oh, if only that were the worst of it. The leak had started puddling in the light source, which I had turned on only moments ago.

The Ides of March were trying to kill me.

I quickly shut off the light, run into the bathroom, and grab paper towels. I sop up the puddle quickly, then rip up plastic bags and cover as much of the computers as I can. I know you're thinking, "Uh, April? Maybe you should also unplug the computers?" Well, I would have, Ms. Know-It-All, if all the cords and power strips hadn't been locked in its quad cabinet with the key nowhere to be found.

Boss not answering phone. Call Village Hall, who calls Public Works. Then call back to say that Public Works has their own problem to deal with, no idea when they'll shop up. Call Boss again, who finally answers and heads over. Public Works shows up with tarp to protect computers, but there's no way to empty the light source because of a conduit that is blocking the freaking thing.

So, it's 2 days later, and we still can't turn the light on, just in case. No idea where the leak is from because the building is 100 years old, and the roof has been sealed so many times that it's mostly just tar anyway.

And the sad thing is, there are still a few people in this community who believe that we don't need a new library building, which my boss has been fighting for years to get. They think it's a waste of money.

Walter Cronkite said it best. "Whatever the costs of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation."

Conversations

At the library:
Woman Registering for Library Card: Um, yeah, I don't have my driver's license with me because I, like, just drove over here really quick.
Me: You drove here. Without your driver's license?
Woman: Yeah?

Annoying Woman: Um, April? Can I ask you something?
Me: Sure.
Annoying Woman: Okay, so, I wanted to check my email, right?
Me: Uh-huh.
Annoying Woman: But when I pulled up Yahoo!, someone else was still logged in.
Me: So?
Annoying Woman: Well, do I have to log them out?
Me: If you want to check your own email, you do.
Annoying Woman: Yeah, I thought so. I just wanted to check.
Me: Click on "Sign Out."
Annoying Woman: Yeah, I know how to do that part.
Me: Then click on "Return to Yahoo! Mail."
Annoying Woman: I know. I can do it from here.
Me: Then type in your ID and password.
Annoying Woman: *totally annoyed with me* I know! I know what to do.
Me: *smirks*
(I could have ended the conversation after agreeing that she should logout the other user, but then that wouldn't have taught her not to ask stupid questions, would it?)

The day before a major snowstorm was going to hit our area, every single patron who came into the library had to comment on it. I heard every variation of the phrase "Wow, we're gonna get a lot of that white stuff!" that you could possibly imagine. Until the 50-some-year old paperboy came in.
Paperboy: It's cold out there!
Library Staff: *having replied the same way a hundred times already* Yup, it sure is!
Paperboy: We're gonna get the Big Kahuga!
Most Idiotic Man Ever: What?
Paperboy: We're gonna get the Big Kahuga!
MIME: *laughing his stupid laugh* Huh huh huh! I haven't heard that one in a long time! Huh huh huh!
Me: Hmm...maybe because it's called the Big Kahuna, not Kahuga.

Boss conferring with a patron at the computer, trying to figure out how to spell the name of a plant.
Patron: I think it's with an "m" at the end. Like "philodendrum."
Boss: No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it ends with an "n." I'm just not sure on the full spelling.
*she turns to me*
Boss: Hey, April. How do you spell "philodendron?"
Me: I don't.

At home:
Someone was talking about a sporting event or something where there'd be a lot of people, and apparently it annoyed my gramps.
Grandpa: Oh, that's a shittin' lolly pajoozil.
(I'm pretty sure he meant lollapalooza.)

On the phone:
Talking about American Idol and how much Kristen hates Melinda Doolittle.*
Kristen: I can't stand her and her stupid no-neck! It looks like she's scrunching up her shoulders to be cute. *talks in little girl voice* Ooh, look at me! I'm so cute!
Me: Ouch.
Kristen: Well! I can't help it if she doesn't have a neck!
Me: Neither can she.

*Reading Melinda's fact sheet, I noticed that she referred to her mother twice as "mommy." That's creepy. And makes me more sympathetic to Kristen's ire.

Well, hello there, young man!

Mmm... Daniel Radcliffe.

**No! He's only 17!

But...he's hot...

**He isn't even old enough to vote!

He's old enough to fight Lord Voldemort!

**Don't be an idiot. That's not for real.

How dare you!

**And he's smoking. You hate cigarettes.

It's only for this part he's playing.

**Sha, in a play about blinding horses and weird sex fetishes.

You're so judgmental. You just don't understand him the way I do. He's challenging himself.

**Whatever. Ooh, look over there! It's Joaquin Phoenix!

Where? WHERE???

Apparently my driver's side car door must have been open just a crack because all the snow piled on top melted and dripped all over my seat. I didn't realize until I'd already sat down. Now I'm at work with a wet left butt cheek.

Wooks wike Apwil had a wittle oopsie!