My life as a wet blanket.

Some minor irritations...and by minor, I mean knock it off or I'll backhand your face:

~People have been continually printing things from computers or making copies from the photocopier, then acting like it's a big hassle to pay for them. I mean, they'll specifically walk into the library to use the copy machine, and then say, "Oh, I guess I have to go get money? I don't have any money on me."

~They also like to walk in and just head for the computer. It has always been our policy (the same policy for any library with computers in the county) that you have to sign up for a computer. With as busy as it is in the summer, it's the only way we can keep track of how long people have been on and when we can get someone else on.

~No hello. No hi, how's it going? No good morning. It's simply, "I want a computer." Even when I say hello, just two feet away from them, they ignore me and demand a computer.

~There's one kid who comes in everyday to play Runescape. And everyday we have to tell him to watch his language, lower his voice, or stop arguing with whatever Runescape-playing kid is next to him. When his turn is over, he stalks out, muttering under his breath. Then an hour or so later, he's back trying to sweet-talk us. "I'd really like to apologize about my behavior earlier....can I go back on the computer?" I'm so sick of it. Even if I'm the bad guy and tell him no, someone else always undermines that authority and lets him on. How is he ever going to learn his lesson?

~On my last pay day, two guys who work for the city came by to drop off our paychecks. And he did something that took me right back to my retail days and instantly pissed me off. Instead of just setting the envelopes down or handing them to me, he flips them at me. You know, like you would a frisbee or when you're dealing cards. Why do guys always fucking do that??? I can't even tell you how many times I've been cut or jabbed from having to try and catch whatever object is being thrown. I think it's a jackass thing to do.

~There's a new kid working at one of the libraries. He's working under a different program. I think he's a little bit slow--like a learning disability, but he's capable of work and reading, all that stuff. Anyway. I think he has a crush on me. He's always standing behind me or just out of my peripheral vision, and he stares at me. I'll turn around, and there he'll be. With a little smile on his face. I'm awful, aren't I? But it irritates the hell out of me.

~My mom's boyfriend broke up with her. Again. I'm mad at him for treating her badly, but I'm irritated because I've been seen as, like, the bad guy. The first time they tried dating (and the second), he was an ass to her. So when they started dating again, I told my mom I didn't want to hear about him or see him, whatever. Not that she paid any attention. But it was always, "Oh, April. Why can't you be nice to him? Why can't see he's trying to change? Blah, blah, blah."

~One bright spot. After the article, read the first comment. I like the way she thinks.

"If we'd waited, we wouldn't have invaded. That's true cuz it rhymes."

I had dinner last night with Nicole and her husband, Allen. I'm jealous of their perfectness. We went to Adventure's in RL. After we waited for about 15 minutes or so, the high school-age hostess asked if we were "ready to be sat." haha

Somewhere in the middle of talking about our jobs, complaining about our families, and reminiscing about high school, I suddenly remembered a moment that made me realize that I haven't changed much since I was 17. I was explaining to Allen that one time in our senior English class, we were all supposed to fill out a "class poll," so everyone in the class would get voted into a certain category...most popular, prettiest, etc. Nicole and I tied for Brainiest, and we were both pissed off because we wanted to be Most Funny. It still rankles, cuz we were the funniest mo-fos in that class!

Anyway, I was lying awake in the suffocating heat last night when I remembered that I never wrote about the rest of my weekend in Superior. Of course, now it's been so long that I've forgotten quite a bit. Here are the highlights:

At Kmart, Kristen pointed at this picture of Bruce Willis and said, "This is your lover!" And it was funny and spontaneous, so I was startled into a surprised laugh, complete with projectile spit. It was altogether hilarious and gross that we were almost crying from laughing so hard. I mean, come on. Look at that mustache!

Kristen's parents also grilled out for us, either Saturday or Sunday...so long ago. Anyway, after the lunch, we were eating root beer floats out in the new gazebo/tent that her parents had set up. The 2L bottle of root beer was still sitting on the table, but I had replaced the cap. Then a really strong wind came up and the bottle began tipping off the table, between me and Kristen. Kristen didn't try to grab the bottle, but her eyes got really wide as she watched the bottle and screamed, "WaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhh!" It was the most bizarre scream EVER. As she finally realized that the cap was on and no pop was spilling, her face turned red and we laughed until our backs hurt and we were crying. You know that kind of laughing? It's not attractive at all. And then as we're still laughing, another strong wind came up and blew Kristen's skirt up into her face. Oh, Lord. So. Freaking. Hilarious.

We also tried to stalk her crush at his church, but it turns out that he most likely doesn't even attend there. Which is good because the sermon annoyed me greatly. I did like the church itself, though. Very pretty. And I did get to finally see her crush at Kristen's library. Very cute. Looks a little like the host of "Cash in the Attic."

And that's about all I can remember. Which is good because my mom just called and offered me a delicious blizzard from Dairy Queen.

It's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark...

I have the stupidest ideas at 7:22 a.m.

This morning I woke up thinking that it would be hilarious if, at Jolene's wedding reception, everyone perfectly began dancing to the exact choreography of Michael Jackson's "Thriller," ala 13 Going on 30. This had me giggling madly for about 3 minutes, before I drifted back to sleep.

Isaac Hayden may have made me giggle like a schoolgirl, but Wilco rocked my face off.

So this weekend was about music. Most of it was actually good.

Friday I drove up to Superior to meet Kristen. We got ourselves ready for the Isaac Hayden performance later in the evening. We arrived way too early, of course, and roamed around a pretty ghetto Kmart in West Duluth to waste time. Then we set out for Beaner’s, hoping at least one of Kristen’s friends would decide to show up.

We talked briefly with a worker, perhaps owner? at Beaner’s about why we came to the show. Kristen filled him in on the Librarian’s Revenge and that Isaac (because we’re on a first-name basis now, don’t you know) was on the March mix. (Side note: Bless you, Redlaw, for the intro to his music.) The guy was really excited and encouraged us to email him whenever we found someone whom we thought more people should listen to. I’m thinking the Avett Brothers, but they’re probably already too big?

So, I saw Isaac tuning up his guitar on stage. He smiled at me. I quickly looked away because apparently kindness from hot strangers is more than I can bear.

Kristen’s friend Kelly arrived just after the first band started, a duo calling themselves E.J. Asher. One played guitar, the other electric violin. Don’t get me wrong…it sounds like it would be pretty cool. But everything sounded exactly the same. When about the fourth song began, Kristen leaned over and remarked, “Uh, didn’t we already hear this one?” What was hilarious was that Kelly had just come from a Pearl Jam concert, so she looked a little like we were nuts to be sitting in this café. But Kristen assured her that E.J. Asher wasn’t who we’d come to see.

Finally, after listening to the first band’s lame knock-knock joke, sermon on how we all have addictions, and an admonishment that Isaac Hayden somehow owed them royalties because they’d “invented” something, Isaac took the stage. Hallelujah.

He put on a fun show, though he looked a bit tired. Touring does that, I’m sure. I only drove 100 miles to get to Superior, and that was tiring enough. Anyway. Isaac Hayden was funny, talented, and mocked our northern accents. “How aboot some coffee?” He also made the audience participate in a song where he sang a line, and then we’d have to repeat it. But I don’t think any of us understood a word he said during that one, so we all sounded like idiots. And after he introduced a second song that he wrote “about a girl,” a girl in the audience asked if it was about the same girl.
Isaac: Which girl?
Girl in Audience: I guess not.
Hahaha

Afterwards, Kristen, Kelly, and I hung around until most of the place had cleared out, then we approached him to buy cds. Here’s where I turned into an idiot.

Isaac turned to say hi and thank us for coming to the show. I tried to avoid looking directly at him, lest my face burst into flames. Yes, he was that hot.

Me: Er, I’m gonna buy a cd.
Isaac: Okay.
He grabs his official cd, still wrapped in plastic, and then a bonus cd of him performing live in Utah.
Me: Do you autograph them?
Isaac: *looking surprised* Do you want me to?
Me: Well, I’m here. Might as well. (Could that have sounded any ruder? Yikes.)
So he rips open the plastic with his teeth, which was quite sexy and made me even more nervous.
Me: My name is April, by the way…
Isaac: *looks at me like he knows the name from somewhere* Nice to meet you. *shakes my hand*
Me: Yeah, I emailed you like a week ago…
Isaac: Oh, yeah! Right!
Me: The dork who emailed you.
And then, instead of laughing or mocking me, he takes a step back, puts one hand on his chest and says, “Oh, no. I’m totally a dork, too.”
So endearing. *sigh*

So then he asks how we heard of him, and Kristen explains again about Librarian’s Revenge and that he was on the March mix. He seemed pretty excited about it. Kristen bought a cd, too, and then we started heading out. I was ahead of the other two girls, and Isaac was still talking as I was leaving. I remember him saying something about how I should email him on his MySpace account…keep him updated? I don’t remember. I was trying to concentrate on not tripping or giggling like an idiot. So, with a nod in his direction, I said, “Okay, cool.” And walked out.

Out on the street, Kristen and Kelly were smirking at me. Before they could make fun of me, I’m like, “Yeah, I don’t know what happened in there. I’m a total idiot.”

But it wouldn’t have been an official April moment without making a fool out of myself in front of a hot boy, would it? And in case you’re interested, he signed the cd, “To April- Thanks. Isaac Hayden.”

Okay, onward Christian and/or unchristian soldiers. Skipping all other delightful weekend moments for a later post, let’s get right down to Sunday evening. Wilco. In concert. Rocked my freaking face off.

Kristen provided the tickets. I provided…er…myself. We had pretty decent seats, about 24 rows back but right in the middle of the row. Excellent view of the stage. We people-watched until the concert began. The audience ranged from like 9-year-olds on up to 60. Two guys in the row ahead of us looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman and Steve Zahn. Phil, who was wearing golf shorts that stuck to his butt each time he got up, asked me if I knew who the opening band was and if I knew much about them. I replied that they were called the Black Eyed Snakes, and I only knew that they were local. Apparently he knew all that and was just quizzing me because he then informed me that it was a “side project” of one of the guys from Low. I had no idea who he was talking about. But the band was pretty good. They used a distorted microphone throughout every song, so unfortunately, I couldn’t understand anything they sang, but the music rocked.

During their set, a group of guys behind us were trying to figure out what the seat numbers were for the six empty seats next to Kristen. She kept trying to tell them that the empty seat next to hers was #10, but they ignored her. So she kept yelling, “It’s 10! 10! This seat is 10!” I laughed a lot as she got irritated.

So, yeah, Wilco came out and kicked some ass. I only know one of their songs, which they didn’t play, but even so, it was an amazing concert. Everyone was singing along. The 13-year-old next to me who kept poking me with his tour poster even knew every word to the songs. And at one point, lead singer Jeff Tweedy said how much he liked Duluth. Then he goes, “I might even say you’re….Superior?” I laughed, but most of the audience groaned. He hung his head in shame as another band member made his guitar play the sounds “Wah…wah…waaaaaaahhh…” It was hilarious. Then Jeff Tweedy says, “Yeah, that’s why I don’t talk into the microphone much.”

Two encores, people. Two. That’s how awesome they were. Only downside was that everyone stood during the entire concert, which sucked because the floor was slanted and I was wearing sandals, which led to numb toes. Kristen bought herself a T-shirt and a set of tour postcards, and I also bought the tour postcards. They’re pretty sweet.

So that was my musical weekend. Other dorky moments will be documented later. For now, check out the Isaac Hayden and Wilco sites to add insane awesomeness to your day.

Currently obsessed with:



Currently watching:



Currently reading:




Currently listening to:

It IS inappropriate. Much like your facial hair.

Dream Dictionary

Poker~ To dream that you are playing poker, suggests that a situation in your waking life requires strategy and careful planning. You need to think things out before carrying out your actions. The dream may also be a pun on "poke her." Are you trying to get a girl's attention?

Um. No.

"I'm into board games. I have a Monopoly club the way some people have a poker group. By the way, I'm undefeated." -Topher Grace

I literally woke myself up laughing last night. Including an actual snort. I forget now what was so damn funny, but I do recall that I was lying on the floor playing poker with Topher Grace, who was dealing the cards off my ass.

Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees!

Heat makes me cranky. Which lowers my tolerance for, well, just about everything. So here is a list of things that has pissed me off in the last week.

*Tourists. For some reason, my hometown is inundated every summer with tourists. Why the hell they choose here for a vacation is beyond me. Really, are our lakes that fabulous? You have to come here? And upon arriving, must you do the following?
**Turn left at the right-turn-only sign?
**Stop when there's no stop sign?
**Ignore the stop sign when there is one?
**Walk around half-naked when you're 50+, fat, and hairy?

*Interruptions. Every time I speak, someone interrupts. Can I just finish one fucking sentence, please?

*People taking over my job. Unless I ask for help with something, I think I should be given the benefit of the doubt that I am, in fact, competent enough to do daily work activities.

*Junk for sale. I went to garage sales this weekend with my grandma and Nikki, and most of the places had a lot of decent stuff. But then there was inevitably places with nothing but complete trash that should just be thrown away. Yeah, sir, I'm really glad I stopped by to check out your one table of beer can coolers, Ziplock bag of costume jewelry, 3 western books, TV trays, your Shop Class-style lamp, and a box of dingy, used shoes. Oh, and the brand new leather recliner with the $500 price tag. Thanks for advertising.

*Old, smelly men in the library. That's self-explanatory.

*And a million other things, but I'm getting too cranky just writing this list.

On Thursday, since it was cold and looking like rain, I brought out a green zip-up jacket that I hadn't worn in quite a long time. Inside one of the pockets, I found a fortune leftover from some Chinese meal. The fortune read, "Hope for the best--prepare for the worst." And so it began.

Later that day while working at the library, I had a run-in with a sneery woman. Since our new system is pretty much Internet-based, anyone can go online and look at their account. So this woman's daughter was looking up the family account, and it showed they still had a movie checked out. The mother comes up to the circulation desk and told me about it. She says, "We brought that movie back today with a bunch of other movies. She must have missed it." She, meaning my co-worker. Then she says, "That always happens here. If I bring in a bunch of movies, you miss one or two, and I end up getting late fines." I said okay, I'd check, and began looking for the movie in our courier bin.

It was a quick search because there were only 7 movies in the bin, and the one she claimed to have returned was not one of them. She asked if it could be somewhere else or if it could have had a hold on it and went to someone else. I patiently explained no, because in order for the hold to activate, it would have been checked in first. So, realizing that she hadn't actually brought the movie in, she began yelling at her kids and blaming them for not bringing it. She didn't apologize to me. The next day she brought the movie in, still no apology. And believe me, she should apologize for making her children watch a movie starring Kirk Cameron.

Anyway, later on Thursday afternoon, I had to tell this stinky old man, John, who sits at the computer for hours and hours, to shut his piehole. Except I was nicer. There were two kids on the computers also, and John got mad at his computer for some reason and said "Damn" really loudly. Granted, that's a pretty tame word, but still. It's a library! Neither my co-worker or I said anything, but then John did it again like 2 minutes later. So I said, "John, you're going to have to watch your language." He bellows, "What?" And I repeated, "You're going to have to watch your language." He turned around, and I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to Friday morning, moments after we open the library. I had told my boss, Carol, about what happened with John. Then he comes in the library, all set to plop his stinky ass down for another 5 or 6 hours, but first he comes up to me. He takes an empty beer can out of a plastic bag and practically shoves it in my face. He points at some tiny writing at the top of the can and says "What does that say?" And not thinking anything other than that he just couldn't read the small writing, I read the words "Damn good beer."
John: *yelling* Now you watch your language!
I got fucking pissed off. So I did a little voice-raising of my own.
Me: John, there is a difference between sitting at the computer and swearing loudly and you coming in here trying to catch me off guard.
John: Well, don't you tell me to watch my language. I have never --
Me: *cutting him off* You cannot sit in the library and swear. We don't tolerate it from children, we won't tolerate it from an adult.
John: I never swear in here!
Carol: John, I have spoken to you several times about your language.
John: Never! I--
Carol: I have spoken to you several times about your language.
Then he begins ranting about us letting little kids run around in the library, and one of these days someone's gonna get hurt.
John: You better take care of that!
Carol: John, if you're going to become offensive, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I wish she had asked him to leave, the old stinky bastard, who sits looking up young women's pictures on match.com. Ish.

I'm currently working at the CA library, hoping fervently that the 56-year-old doesn't come waltzing in. Apparently I'm not the only library worker he's tried to woo. My boss calls him the Dumpster Diving Don Juan. I'll leave the explanation to your imaginations.

Dear 56-year-old single men,

Just because I politely ask if you enjoyed watching The Motorcycle Diaries does not mean that you should then spend the next hour and twenty minutes telling me your life story and ask me out on a date. "I'm single and looking, if you're interested" is not hot. I'm 27, not desperate.

Love, April

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest opens July 7.

Oh, you can bet your sweet ass I'll be there. You can bet Orlando's sweet ass, too.

We all have a type.

<---- This is mine. I've got a major thing for dark curly hair, usually blue eyes, and the whole kind of scrubby look. Not dirty, just...rough. I dig that whole bad boy thing. The bad boy who's not afraid to be goofy. Look at him. Doesn't he look like a goofball? I love that. I lust after that. I can get that.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I could get Ben Affleck. But I could get the bad boy, goof ball. Probably no where near as hot as Ben, but you know what I mean. All I'd have to do is lower my standards, forget about my boy requirements...like intelligence, literacy, and social graces.


But then, just when I think I could be okay with a guy like that, guess who comes along?

























The breathtaking, mishievous, brilliant type. *sigh*

Look at him. Gorgeous. Funny, smart, considerate of my feelings. Damn those pretty eyes and knowing smile! He knows I want him. He loves it. He feeds off it.

And I can never have him. He's way out of my league. Oh, Scott Speedman and men of your caliber, why do you taunt me with those kissable lips? Why do the words "tender lover" echo in my head?

I just want to know, isn't there an in-between? Is there some sort of happy medium? A man who is within my league, yet reads more than "Mechanics Monthly?" A man who is edgy at times, yet sweet when I need it? Serious and goofy all in one? Is there anyone like that?

Soul Patrol!!

Yes, the Silver Fox won American Idol last night. I'm not ashamed to admit that Amanda, Mom, and I all screamed when we heard the results. Thank God it wasn't old stinky Katherine McPhee.

Favorite parts of the night:

1) Elliott Yamin singing with Mary J. Blige. It was spectacular.

2) Clay Aiken surprising his "look-alike" with an on-stage duet.

3) Prince steaming up the screen with his sexy self. Amanda and I were drooling over him. Suddenly Manda blurted out, "I'll....bite his butt!" It was so surprising that, at first, I just stared at her. Then we burst out laughing and she goes, "Don't write that on your blog!" Her face was so red.

When I am right next to you, Girl, I feel so close.

I've been 7'd by Carrie. So here are the answers to her questions:

7 things I want to do before I die:
*Be serenaded by John Mayer
*Visit Ireland
*Talk face-to-face with my dad
*Write a screenplay
*Learn to play guitar
*Learn to skateboard
*See an end to AIDS

7 things I cannot do:
*Math
*Stop thinking about you-know-who
*Verbalize my thoughts during confrontation
*Get along with my brother
*Wear a bikini (trust me, you don't want to see that)
*Forget NKOTB
*Live forever

7 things that attracted me to my spouse (In my case, what will attract me):
*Excellent sense of humor
*Good with children
*Considerate
*Reads books
*Sings along with the radio
*Brilliant kisser
*Fave holiday is Halloween

7 thinks I look forward to everyday:
*Seeing Jersey
*My grandparents
*Reading my latest book
*Getting mail
*A story idea
*Checking email/blogs
*Making someone laugh

7 books I love:
*Catcher in the Rye ~J.D. Salinger
*After You'd Gone ~Maggie O'Farrell
*The Perks of Being a Wallflower ~Stephen Chbosky
*A Brief History of the Flood ~Jean Harfenist
*The Dictionary of Failed Relationships: 26 Tales of Love Gone Wrong ~Meridith Broussard
*I Capture the Castle ~Dodie Smith
*I Wish Someone Were Waiting For Me Somewhere ~Anna Gavalda

7 movies I could watch over and over:
*Ever After
*Bridget Jones's Diary
*The Breakfast Club
*Eddie and the Cruisers
*Labyrinth
*Tommy Boy
*Dumb & Dumber

7 people from whom I'd like to hear 7 sevens:
Anyone who'd like to join in. :)

Question: What is the least likely comment you'd think of hearing while dining at a Chinese restaurant?

Answer: "You never see ventriloquists anymore! That's a great art!"

Oh, Taco John's Meat and Potato Burrito, why do you continue to hurt me when I only want to love you?

I'm currently reading this book, "Found." It's pretty cool. People have sent in tons of pictures, letters, notes, etc. that they've just randomly found. I got my copy from a library, and wouldn't you know it, someone had left a little note of their own inside. On the back of an old film developing envelope, someone had written, "Am I crazy? Or did I just blow your mind bitch?" Indeed, they had.

The other night Amanda went digging through my purse for a pen. After she found one, she left my purse on the edge of the table, which apparently translates to "fair game" for Jersey. Like fools, none of us noticed how quiet she'd become. Moments later, Jersey walked into the living room with one of Auntie's emergency pads in her hand. I watched in horror as she held it up to her nose, sniffing. "Piddy," she said. Mom and Amanda started laughing hysterically. She sniffed it again. "Piddy."

I grabbed it away from her, my face red. She left the room, returning a minute later with another one, apparently liking the baking powder scent. Then I noticed she had powder all over her clothes. Yup, she'd dug into Auntie's makeup, too.

How was your Mother's Day?

Since I'm childless, I spent my Sunday watching a marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episodes. That quirky Carson cracks me up.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

Thursday I had to run home from work so I could grab one of my movies to lend to my co-worker. I walked in the house and saw my grandpa sitting in his recliner watching TV. This wasn't unusual. What was unusual was that he had no pants on, his gleaming white, smooth legs crossed at the knee. I was flabbergasted. I stood staring. Barely looking at me, he said, "Grandma's upstairs sewing my new pants." I almost fell over laughing. So freaking funny!

Yesterday, my mom, sister, Jersey, and I had lunch at Hardee's. We sat in the playroom, which was a mistake since Jersey wanted to play with another little girl instead of eating her lunch. She kept pointing at the pit of plastic balls that the little girl had jumped into. Jersey has recently learned colors, so she was saying, "Blue! Blue!" Mom says, loudly, "That's right, Jersey! Blue balls!" Then my mom's face turned bright red and she looked away quickly. Amanda and I couldn't stop laughing.

Then since Jersey didn't like her hamburger, I was giving her a bite of my roast beef sandwich. Jersey goes, "Mmm!" So Amanda goes, "You like Auntie's beef, Jersey?" Then her face turned red, and we started giggling.

A couple things I forgot:

When I was cutting into the delicious Dairy Queen cake with a large butcher knife, my grandma kept hovering over me, worried I'd slice my hand off.
Grams: I worry about you using that knife. Let me get you a paring knife.
Me: Grandma, I'm fine. I know how to use a knife.
Grams: Well, I worry. Here's a paring knife.
Me: I can't use a paring knife to cut the cake!
Grams: Well, I worry about you using that knife.
Me: I'm fine! *handing her a slice of cake on a plate* Here, eat your cake.
Grams: Well, just be careful with that knife. I'm worried-- Whoops! *she drops her cake onto the floor*
Kristen and I start laughing hysterically.
Grams: Oh, darn it. *laughing*
Me: Looks like you should have worried more about your cake than my knife!

My boss and I were talking outside, where it was really windy. As she was talking, I saw a white feather whipping at me. I ducked, and it floated on by, missing me by mere inches. And all I could think in my head was, "You could have knocked me over with a feather!" And I laughed a lot.

Kristen came to visit me over the weekend. We had fun, despite the fact that I had a cold and was a bit weary.

Friday night, my aunt let us stay free of charge at her motel in Eau Claire. We got her a card and candle as a thank-you gift.

Mostly we hung out at stores. We did some investigating for wedding presents at the places where Jolene registered. We may or may not have found excellent purchases.

I went overboard getting Jersey some clothes. But they were clearance, and I couldn't resist. I got her a deep blue Indian-style shirt with gold and pink decorations and a deep blue ruffled skirt to match, and a dark pink shirt in the same style to match a pink skirt. Then I got her a pink and white plaid sundress. Kristen got her a gorgeous yellow sundress with a white ribbon above the waist and lots of bumblebees all over. We made her try on every outfit, too, and Jersey twirled around and strutted her cute self.

Outside one store, we saw a man with a large black poodle. Kristen went over and started petting the dog and talking to the owner. I asked the man what the dog's name was.
Man: We call him Curly.
Me: *smirking* Yeah, I can relate.
Man: *kinda laughing* Yeah. *then pointing at my hair* Yeah! Yeah! *laughing*
Kristen: *jerking her thumb at me* We call her Poodle.
Man: *still laughing* You two would look good walking down the street together!

At first I thought he meant me and Kristen, and I wanted to shout, "For the love of God, I'm not gay!" But then I realized he meant me and Curly. I also told Kristen that after she said that people call me Poodle, I should have said, "Yeah, well, we call you Bitch!"

I gave Kristen the rest of her birthday presents because I probably won't see her until after her actual birthday. I also got her an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. When I ordered it, the girl wrote down on the order slip "Happy 27th Kirsten," instead of Kristen. I was tempted to leave it, but the wrath of Kristen is great. (Just try bugging her when she's knitting!!)

We also each made a Mother's Day present for our moms and grandmas. I got the idea from Martha Stewart. We made pincushions out of the lids on mason jars with fiber fill and pink fabric with tiny white flowers, and then kept sewing supplies inside the jar. Very cute.

There may be other things. But I'm tired.

I don't say things like "special evening." I play guitar!

My mom, Amanda, and I like to play a little game called "There's your lover." It's pretty self-explanatory. We call lovers for each other by randomly pointing at gross guys and saying, "There's your lover." The grosser they are, the more fun it is to watch the other person squirm in disgust.

Yesterday while Amanda and I were waiting in the car as Mom went into the convenience store, Amanda picked a particularly gross guy for me. In revenge, I pointed at a big guy, who wasn't really that bad looking, but kinda dorky, and he was wearing a T-shirt that read "Wrestling USA." I told Amanda, "There's your lover." She said yuck.

But then, since we'd all been singing stupid songs earlier, I made up a little ditty to go along with the guy I picked out. To the tune of "She's an Easy Lover."

"Amanda wants that wrestler, she wants to do the sleeper-hold on him, believe me."

It was hilarious. Then we just kept using that tune to make up different variations. Also, the song "Your momma don't drink, and your daddy don't rock and roll" is now "Your momma's got the clap, and your daddy's out on parole." It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Why must chick lit books be so tempting and delicious to read? I have a BA in English literature* for crying out loud. I should laugh haughtily at the numerous British accounts of the single girl's woes. I should be reading to improve my mind, to prepare myself for high-society functions to which I'll never be invited. Instead, I succumb to the likes of Jennifer Crusie, Lynsay Sands, and Marian Keyes. What powers do these temptresses have over me?

In other news, Aaron and Nikki moved out, taking the dog with them. So my mom got herself a new dog, a Lhasa Apso (my favorite!) named Hunter. She renamed him Happy. I call him the Happy Hunter. He's really sweet, still a puppy. I guess yesterday Happy was chasing Jersey around and around the table. Then they'd each stop, stare at each other, and then he'd give chase again. Mom said Jersey was running the same way I always did when I was a toddler, with my arms back like I was an airplane. Incidentally, that's apparently also the last time I ever ran. Anyway, Jersey tripped over her toys, and landed next to the stereo speaker, which was blaring Bo Bice, her favorite American Idol. She was gasping for breath, giggling, with Happy on top of her licking her face, and she turns to the speaker and says, "Hi Bo Bice!" Cracks me up.

The library is currently throwing a retirement party for the lady whose position I recently took over. I'm keeping my distance because I know she doesn't like me. But that punch was my recipe, and I'm gonna head over there and boldly ladle myself (hahahahaha) a cup of it.

Oh, and I'm gonna karate chop the next old guy who insults my hair. It's perfectly fine...all moussed up and curled... I do not look like I "stuck my finger in a light socket." What the hell is with people being jerks to me lately?

*All right, all right, you bastards. It's actually just a BS, but I'm only missing the foreign language credits. You won't rest until you draw blood, will you?

"Rock got no reason, rock got no rhyme. You better get me to school on time."

Yesterday I had to drive with a co-worker to Eau Claire for a library workshop on advanced cataloging. I've only done a little bit of work in the catalog system, so I didn't know what was going on. But my co-worker was familiar with the process and still didn't know what was going on, so I didn't feel bad. And then there was a 45-minute tangent on something only semi-related to what we were discussing. It was a waste of time. At least I get reimbursed for my mileage and lunch.

A conversation with Kristen yesterday reminded me of something I forgot to post after mine and Krista's stay in Superior. We had all been sitting in Kristen's room when her mom brought in the phone for her. She said hello and listened as a high-pitched squeaky voice on the phone said, "Hi, Kristen! This is April." She turned and looked at me, then says into the phone, "Uh, no it isn't....since I'm looking at her right now." It was Dan. Then he goes, "Oh, so I guess I didn't need to put on the fake boobs, huh?"

He also admitted to her that he used to have a crush on me. I knew it already, but I was glad to have my fears (ha ha) confirmed. He said, "But, you know, I was young..." Kristen added, "And stupid."

She said he called her again the other day, and she said to him, "Oh, hi April." And in his squeaky "April" voice, he replied, "Hi! I called to talk about Dan again because that's what we always talk about!" She goes, "Yeah...You totally have a crush on him."

Makes me laugh...and cringe. Dan is the real-life Napoleon Dynamite, if you'll recall. Well...Napoleon Dynamite/Cosmo Kramer. I suppose I should be flattered, sorta, since Dan always manages to inexplicably get hot girlfriends. It's so bizarre.

Dear Judgmental Old Crone,
Just because I want to see the movie The Da Vinci Code when it comes out does not make me a heathen, uneducated, or ignorant of the Bible. So next time you tell me that I need to read church history, be prepared to feel like an idiot because I will not hesitate to put you in your place.
Love, April

Dear Small Talk Guy,
Calling my hair "frazzled" does not 1) Make sense, 2) Make me want to continue talking with you, or 3) Count as actual small talk. Perhaps you should look up the word "frazzled" in the dictionary. Dumbass.
Love, April

Dear Hot Boy,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming into the library and letting me behold your hotness. I apologize for the pool of drool you slipped in.
Love, April

********************************

Sometimes when Kristen and I talk, we like to imagine future conversations we may have. Now, I don't mention this so that you, dear reader, can make fun of us. I mention it because we greatly amuse ourselves, and the following is one such conversation.

Last night on the phone, Kristen and I were discussing what would happen if I got married before she did. I noted that she would probably get very bitter and drunk (probably on one wine cooler) at the reception. This is our conversation about what her "toast" to myself and my husband would be like. Oh, and imagine us talking in slurred voices, cuz that makes it funnier.

Kristen: I'd probably be like "So, you finally got married...Well, la-ti-dah!"
April: Then you'd be like, "You think you're better than me now, don't you? Well, you're not!"
Kristen: "Bitch."
April: *laughing* Then Krista would come up and try and take the microphone away from you...
Kristen: And I'd whip it away and be like, "Leave me alone! I've got something to say!"
April: Yeah... "It'll never last, you know."
Kristen: Yeah! And then, like, let's pretend your husband's name is Brian... I'd be like, "Brian, give me a call when it doesn't work out."
April: ha ha "Yeah, give me a call when Tony comes back in her life and she dumps you for him."
We both laugh.
April: "I'll do things with you I've never done before..."
Kristen: "Like have sex...with your wiener..."

And then we laughed until we cried.

NEXT JOKE!

Easter weekend was relaxing and comical. I always enjoy hanging out with Krista and Kristen. Even if it does make me call them by the others' name more often than not.

Because there were a lot of memorable moments, I'm just going to relay them as they come to me, rather than trying to put them in chronological order. Ahem.

We were shopping at Target. Kristen holds up the movie Stripes and says, "Oh, April, I was going to get you this because I knew how much you loved it." So I quickly grabbed the book The Virgin of the Plains and said, "Oh, Kristen, I was gonna get you this book because I know you can relate." Note the sarcasm. Then Kristen explains to Krista, "April and I rented this movie one time because we like Bill Murray and thought it would be really funny. But all it was was a bunch of boob shots."
Me: Yeah, and they weren't even of Bill.

After Kristen opened the super-cool early birthday present I got her (which she'll tell you about on her blog), she started playing with the bow that had decorated the wrapping. It was a big bow of purple, blue, and pink metallic curls. She puts the bow on top of her head and says, "Look! I'm April's bangs!" Which everyone but me found absolutely hilarious. Several minutes later her dad comes in the room. Kristen puts the bow on her head again and says, "Hey, Dad! Guess who I am?"
Kristen's dad: I don't know. Sideshow Bob?
*sigh* Of course, everyone thought that was hilarious, too. Bastards.

Friday night we went to check out Beaner's in Duluth, a little coffee shop with a stage where performers...um...perform. Anyway, we wanted to see some guy named David Boone sing. We never even stayed for the main event. The first opening act stunk. Every song sounded the same. But some guy in front of us, who looked about 12, held up his beer, revealing a liger tattoo, and yelled "Sounds good." I had a very hard time not laughing.

Then the 12-year-old and his buddy were the next act. They took off their shoes and socks before taking the stage. And they continually yelled "Folk rock!" I decided they looked like tattooed hobbits. One song's chorus was the repetitious line, "When you fill me up, I'll drink you down." And they were serious. They even sang with their eyes closed. The final song that I stuck around to hear was something about, "I gotta get out of this town." I just barely stopped myself from yelling, "Yeah? Well, I gotta get out of here!" I took many notes on the things that were annoying/hilarious. I think the girls next to me thought I was a critic for a paper or something. They kept trying to read what I was writing.

Also, there's only so many berets and goatees I can handle. Granted, there was only one guy with a beret and a goatee, but that just happens to be my limit.

After eating at Perkins, we were paused in front of the sticker machine...because 27-year-olds NEED stickers. My sticker read "I *heart* Frat Boys." Anyway, a worker there was attempting to place a rug that he'd rolled up for cleaning back in its spot. He roughly unrolled it, and it struck me in the legs. I yelled, "Rug'd!" We found it amusing, but he didn't even apologize or anything. Stupid Perkins worker.

At Applebee's, we placed our order with a waitress: a santa fe chicken salad, an oriental chicken salad, and a chicken club sandwich. A little while later, a waiter comes up to our table and shouts, "Hello, hello! Who's rockin' the chicken club?" We all blankly stare at him. He says, "Uh, the chicken club sandwhich?" Krista raises her hand, I turn away to laugh at the waiter. Then he goes, "Well, you were all looking dumbfounded." Dude, ya think it had anything to do with you being a dork?

At Target, (no, this is a different visit) we're all standing in line to check out. Kristen has just paid for her items when the clerk, a new guy, starts flashing his light to signal for a manager. Apparently he'd run out of receipt tape and didn't know how to put in a new one. The manager attempts to start a new one, but the paper keeps sticking. She goes, "It's just like toilet paper. You need some, but you can't get it." We fake laugh politely.

After the paper was in, the manager noted that too much time had elapsed for the computer to recognize the last sale and form a receipt. In order to get one, they'd have to void all Kristen's items and re-ring them up to give her a receipt. I sighed deeply and said to Kristen, "I can't take you anywhere!" She told me to never mind and just fill out my check. I said I couldn't just guess the total. And then, since she'd mostly just bought candy for Easter baskets she was making, I said, "She just bought food. She can't return it anyway. She doesn't need a receipt." Then I pushed the cart towards her and said, "Outta my way, lady."

So the kid rings up my items, trying not to laugh, and informs me of my total, $25.30. Kristen goes, "You couldn't have guessed that total?" I snootily replied, "I had things on my mind." The kid was trying hard not to laugh at our lame shenanigans.

Out in the car, we were bragging about our skills at cracking up teenage boys. I quipped that we're at our comedic peak. Then Kristen, pretending she was talking to the check-out boy, says, "Well, hello. If you were a couple years older..."
Me: You'd still be too young.
We laugh.
Kristen: I'd be in jail!

And on our drive home, another car pulled out in front of us with its brights on. Kristen yelled something almost intelligible in shock/fear. We kept driving as nothing else happened. A minute later, I said to Kristen, "Uh, did you just yell 'Zadot?'" Indeed, she had. So we yelled Zadot! for the rest of the weekend.

Krista told Kristen that she was going to email her a picture of something she's thinking about getting another friend as a present. Keep in mind, earlier in the weekend, I had given Krista her belated Christmas AND birthday presents, because it had been so long since I'd seen her. She'd also given me my Christmas presents. And she gave Kristen her Christmas gifts (some homemade ornaments...a tad bit grandma-ish, but nice), and Kristen had given Krista a birthday package, but nothing for Christmas. Got that? Okay. So, Krista wanted Kristen's opinion on a gift she was giving to another friend.
Krista: I need your opinion because you have excellent taste, and I don't.
Kristen: You have taste, Krista... It was evident in the Christmas present you gave me. *she tries desperately not to laugh*
Me: BURN!!!
Krista and I laugh.
Krista: Yes, Kristen. And it was evident how much you think of me by the Christmas present you gave me. (which, if you'll recall, was nothing)
Me: DOUBLE BURN!!!
Really, it was hilarious.

Anyway, look to Krista's page for a revealing conversation between Kristen and I.
And look to Kristen's page for our new hit song.

Eat this, Fake Wayne!

Amanda had her job interview on Wednesday, and though she hasn't heard if she got the job, she did say the interview itself went really well. It's for a Subway restaurant, and when the manager asked her what she knew about Subway, Amanda replied, "Uh, you eat fresh?" hahahaha That's m'girl! She said that at the end of the interview, she asked the manager if he'd ever seen the movie Saving Silverman. He grinned and goes, "You mean because of Subway University?" She laughed and said yes. So then they compared their favorite scenes from the movie. His favorite, if you're interested, is when Jack Black and Steve Zahn go to kidnap Amanda Peet. They split up, and Jack heads right for the kitchen, where he begins eating. He says into his walkie-talkie, "Dude, I think I see something in the back of the refrig---closet." Classic scene.

I also talked with Cara the other night. She moved into her own place and likes working as a correctional officer at a prison. Anyway, while we were talking, Tyler started crying in the background because he fell. For like the next 5 minutes, literally, all I could hear was him chanting "Broken butt...broken butt...broken butt..."

And Krista has arrived to hang out with me for the night. Before I had to go to work, we watched Days of Our Lives, and Krista imitated a reporter on the show who had mistaken one woman for someone else's wife. When he was corrected, he said, "I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong."
Krista: *imitating reporter, complete with invisible microphone* April, I can see the complete frustration on your face.
Me: Um, that's just gas.
Krista: I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes we just get it wrong. We get it wrong.

Then while she patiently waited for me at the library, we overheard two little old ladies talking about the front page of our local newspaper, which featured an article on methamphetamines. Old lady one is hard of hearing, therefore shouted her side of the conversation.
Old lady 1: Boy! They sure have problems with this meth!
Old lady 2: Yeah, they sure do.
Old lady 1: What the hell does it do, anyway?
Old lady 2: I don't know.
Old lady 1: Does it give ya a high?

Krista and I quickly separated to prevent a full-blown case of inappropriate giggling.

And finally, as Krista looked at a stack of books, she pointed at a book on tape. Laughing, she read the print on the bottom, "Read by author." She says, "I thought, 'Well, of course the author read it! She wrote it.' Then I realized it was a book on tape." haha Ah, you'll laugh later when you get it.

Amanda has a job interview at a sandwich place in town, so I'm really excited for her! I hope she gets it. She needs to be responsible and work. And hopefully she can get some assistance to put Jersey in daycare while she's working. That way Jersey won't be so upset when Amanda leaves a room.

Also with the great warm weather, we've seen the return of the asian beetle. Those buggy bastards, crawling on my curtains, buzzing around my light bulb, stinking up the joint when I kill 'em.

I'm getting more and more excited for my weekend at Bernie's! Er, I mean at Kristen's. Krista is driving up Thursday. I have to work, but I managed to okay an early dismissal. We'll spend the night eating pizza and watching Mystery Men, White Oleander, and The Best of Will Ferrell. I know that White Oleander doesn't seem to fit into that high-hilarity schedule, but Krista's never seen it and it features the pier in Santa Monica, CA that we went to on vacation one year. Plus, we like Patrick Fugit. And Cole Hauser is pretty damn hot, too. Meow!

Then on Friday we'll drive up to Superior for sitcom-worthy hilarity. We may be checking out a little club where Isaac Hayden will be performing in June. Maybe we could practice our pick-up lines. Perhaps we'll go bowling and Kristen will walk around with toilet paper on the bottom of her shoe. Not that that would ever happen....

Does anybody watch Grey's Anatomy? A co-worker suggested I watch it, so of course I tuned into an episode where the main chick was dumped and everyone at work was talking about her. Like I needed a reminder about that experience. It was an excellent show, though. I wish I could see it from the beginning.

They ain't love handles if nobody loves you

Some moments I regret:

*The one time I had the desire to run, I caught my foot in the leg of a chair and twisted my ankle. I was forced to ride piggy back all the way home (to my dorm) on a friend's back. All this, by the way, happened in front of a crush. I wonder why he never asked me out.

*While visiting a hot boy friend at the coffee place where he worked, he gave me my first cappuccino for free. All flushed from the steamy cup in my hand and the hotness of his face, my parting words were an enthusiastic, "Thanks a million!" Those Danny Tanner-like words echoed in my head the rest of the day. And I dumped the cappuccino after one sip.

*I have been urged/pressured to sing karaoke a few times in my life. And several times, I complied. With great regret, I offer these song choices as proof of my nerdery:
~Closing Time, by Semisonic (people literally got up and left)
~You're So Vain, by Carly Simon (one guy yelled, "What the hell?" when I & Kristen finished)
~Karma Chameleon, by Culture Club (Kristen only knew the chorus, so I was stuck singing "I'm a man without conviction" alone)
~The Monkees theme song (which neither of us knew very well)
~But at least I didn't have to sing "Come On Eileen," by Dexy's Midnight Runners, which Tony had asked the DJ to have me sing. The DJ couldn't find the song, so I was safe.

*One Halloween I dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire, and looked more like a gay linebacker.

*The first time I ever got drunk, I pointed at a poor red-haired boy in the bar and shouted, "Hey, look! It's Beaker from the Muppet Show!" Even more, I regret the "Beaker" noises with which I followed the drunken comment.

So, I found out (by way of my precious Sitemeter) that some website that is dedicated to Steve Gonsalves of TAPS, whom I've previously blogged about and lusted for, has linked me as a wealth of information. Apparently they've worked tirelessly to bring the very best sites with Steve info all onto one site for easier access for hardcore fans.

And I'm #4.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha *deep breath* hahahahahahahaha

I also found out that the lucious Isaac Hayden, who sings "It's All I Need Today" on Redlaw's March cd, will be performing in Duluth in June. So I informed Kristen that we'll be attending. Mmmm....

Yesterday evening I picked up Amanda and Jersey to come over and watch American Idol. We first had to stop at the store so she could pick up some milk. I parked the car, and before Amanda got out:
Me: Oh! Guess who's performing on American Idol this week?
Amanda: Who?
Me: Kenny Rogers.
Amanda: *she leans her head back and sighs* Kenny Rogers? Why can't they have anyone good?
Me: *I shrug*
Amanda: *she gets out of the car, and just before closing the door, she leans back in and says* Well, maybe he'll sing "Footloose!" *slams the door*
Me: *thinking, "What the hell?"* *I roll down my window* Amanda!
Amanda: *she stops and comes back to the car*
Me: Kenny Rogers, not Kenny Loggins!
Amanda: Oh. Well, who is Kenny Rogers?
Me: The Gambler?? "Islands in the Stream?"
Amanda: Oh. You don't tell anyone about this.

Last night I was trying to explain to my grandma about some weird numerical phenomenon that would be occurring later that night.
Me: So, if you stay up until 1 a.m., and three seconds after the second minute, it'll be the fourth month, fifth day of the sixth year.
Grams: *looks blankly at me*
Me: Look. *writing it on paper* It'll be 1:02:03 a.m. on 4/05/06.
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me*
Me: Come on! It's 01.02.03.04.05.06!
Grams: *continues looking blankly at me, bites an orange slice*
Me: Don't you think that's funny?
Grams: I guess.
Me: *sigh* You're a tough ol' biddy to impress.
Grams: True dat.**

**Grams didn't actually say "true dat," but if she had, my life would have been complete.

I forgot to mention one more thing about the movie Failure to Launch. One of the actors looked so familiar to me, and I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from.

Imagine my discomfort and embarrassment to realize I knew him as the mentally challenged kid in Gigli. Ouch.

I'll show *you* a Canadian Goose!

Saturday morning on my way to work....driving along....singing along to Karma Chameleon....when suddenly as I pass my mother's workplace, I notice that it's surrounded by police cars and firetrucks. Well, as you could imagine, I simply couldn't continue singing along with Boy George.

I got to work and called home to see if my mom had gone into work for some overtime hours. Indeed, she had. I told my brother what I'd seen, and he promised to call me back with info. He never called back, the idiot. But I did later find out that there'd been a chemical fire at the plant. Everyone got out safe, but since my mom's a first responder, she had to stay inside until she was sure everyone was out. And for some lame-ass reason, she had to wait inside for a phone call from the security system people to assure them that yes, there really was a fire. Then she had to call the plant manager to inform him of the fire. Yesterday left her with a raging headache and stiff neck from inhaling all those fumes.

On Sunday afternoon, my aunt Barb and I went to see the movie, Failure to Launch. Any movie that can make me snort Coca-Cola out of my nose gets my approval. It was very funny. Also got to see the trailer for Nacho Libre, starring Jack Black. So. Freaking. Hilarious.

Anyway, before our movie began, Barb and I were chatting away about stuff when she asked what I was wearing that smelled so good.
Me: I don't know. I don't think I even put on any perfume today.
Barb: Well, did you put on lotion?
Me: Yeah, but it was a couple of hours ago, and I've washed my hands twice since then.
Barb: Hmm...
Me: Maybe it's my hair?
Barb: *she leans over and smells my hair* Nope, that's not it.
Me: Well, I don't know then.
Barb: You smell good, though. I always say that to Kevin (her husband). I always say, "What are you wearing? You smell so good!" And he always says, "Nothing, just my deodorant."
Me: Wait a minute. *I lift up my arm* Smell my armpit.
Barb: *she takes a whiff* Yup!!! That's it!
*we giggle madly for a few minutes*
Barb: I'm blushing!
Me: I'm puttin' this on my blog!

Unfunny Moments:
~Nikki and I picking up the pizzas that we ordered. The guy behind the counter brings them to us and says, "Now you gotta guess which one I spit on!" *deep sigh of annoyance*
~Then to accompany the potatoes we ordered, Nikki asked for sour cream packets, which should have been included anyway. The guy puts his hands on his hips and says, "Oh, do you want me to eat them for you, too?" *deep, deep sigh*
~At the library today, some old guy comes in with a bag filled with books and says, "Can I return these? They've been read before." har har har

Friday night was spent watching movies with Amanda and Jersey. My mom, Nikki and Aaron all went down to Illinois to visit Nikki's dad, Mark.

Our first movie was "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds. Meow! It was pretty damn funny. Although there were some dumb parts in it, and that annoying chick from the "Scary Movie" trilogy was in it. The second movie was "Yours, Mine, and Ours." Because I couldn't find anything else I wanted to watch. It was a typical family movie. Cute and predictable.

Saturday after I was finished at work, Amanda and I dropped Jersey off at Manda's dad and stepmom's house for the night. Then we headed to Eau Claire for shopping. And apparently Amanda's dad (my former stepdad!) was interested in whether I'd be purchasing lingerie. I think I'm scarred for life.

We didn't shop til we dropped or anything, but it was fun. Although I did almost attack a senior citizen for being a complete (WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AHEAD) mother-fucking piece-of-shit asshole.

Amanda and I were walking in Shopko when this old jerk started staring at Amanda. She didn't notice. I did. I notice everything. As we walked past, he turned and kept staring at her, tilting his head to look at her ass, and he was making a face like he was disgusted. And the thing is, I can't allow that. Ever. To anyone, let alone my sister. So I stopped dead in my tracks, whirled around, and gave him The Look of Death. It's the most hostile, evil, outraged look anyone can manage. Kristen and Krista witnessed it before at the end of a hockey game in college when some drunk guys were being assholes and one guy grabbed Krista's arm. That time, whilst giving The Look of Death, I screamed at him to just go get himself another beer, which was pretty tame compared to what I would have screamed if it happened these days.

So, while I did restrain myself from growling, "Got a fucking problem, asshole?" to the old fuckface, he did get the hint. He turned away quickly, turning red. I remained angry and tense for the rest of the time we were in that store.

*deep breath* I keep getting angry about it, and I have to just let it go. I can't prevent people from being intolerant jerks. But I also can't prevent myself getting so upset about it.

Anyway, the next day we picked up Jersey and went to Rice Lake. I had to return an item I'd purchased last week and exchange it for something better. Then we went home and watched "The Island." It was pretty good. Reminded me of the book "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Mom, Aaron and Nikki came home last night. They'd stopped at my aunt Linda's place in Eau Claire, and I guess Linda finally called Social Services on her daughter, Hallie, and her boyfriend, Cory. They are, without getting into any details, bad parents to their almost 2-year-old and 4-month-old daughters. Cory especially. I hate him so much. Linda had wanted to call SS for a long time, but since she felt that she was the only one who saw how bad they were, no one would believe her. But my mom told Linda what Nikki witnessed, and that was enough for her to finally make that call. I'm sure it was hard for her, but I'm so glad she did it. If the kids get taken away, they'd go to Linda, I'm sure.

So I would appreciate any prayers for those little girls that you can spare.

Other than that, life's pretty boring. Although I did have a dream last night about Ace from "American Idol" and He-Whose-Name-I-Hear-Every-Freaking-Day-Because-It's-So-Damn-Common. *sigh*

Don't touch my chest and call me turkey, Turkey!

Dear Rolling Stone Magazine,
Thank you for the hot cover photo of Heath Ledger. And for reminding me that I'm a woman with needs. You can pass that along to him, as well.
Love, April

Dear Grandma,
Thank you for singing along with the Pussycat Dolls the other day. I prefer your rendition of "Stickwitu" over theirs anyday. Plus, it was the funniest thing ever!
Love, April

Dear Cop Who Stopped At My Mom's House,
Just because my brother is a criminal doesn't make me one by association. So stop tailing my car whenever I drive through town. Don't you have some doughnut-eating to do?
Love, April

Dear Jack Black,
She could never love you like I could. Don't be expecting a wedding present from me.
Love, April

Dear Boss,
Quit making jokes about my single status. Though I laugh, my bitterness runs deep. Deeper than the rivers of love. Er, forget that last part. That was dumb. But seriously, no more single jokes.
Love, April

Ever since I saw Rachel post this survey, I've been working on doing one for my own blog. And it was freaking hard! So, here is the fruit of my labor/looms.

The Rules: Take 20 fairly standard and innocuous questions and answer them with music lyrics.

1.) Are you male or female?
"I wear a disguise,
I'm just your average Jane.
The super doesn't stand for model,
But that doesn't mean I'm plain.
If all you see is how I look,
You miss the superchick within.
And I christen you Titanic,
Underestimate and swim."
One Girl Revolution ~Superchick

2.) Who are you?
"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way."
Bitch ~Meredith Brooks

"I can cast a spell.
Secrets you can't tell.
Mix a special groove.
Put fire inside of you.
Anytime you feel danger or fear ,
Then instantly, I will appear.
I'm every woman,
It's all in me.
Anything you want done, baby,
I'll do it naturally .
I'm every woman,
It's all in me.
I can read your thoughts right now
Every word from A to Z."
I’m Every Woman ~Whitney Houston

3.) Describe your neighborhood:
"Lucy's got her lipstick on a little too bright.
Bobby's gettin' drunk and lookin' for a fight.
Liquor on his breath and trouble on his mind,
And Lucy's just a kid along for the ride.
Got a six-pack of beer and a bottle of wine
Gotta be bad just to have a good time.
They're gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light,
It's a small town Saturday night.
It's a small town Saturday night.

"Bobby told Lucy, 'The world ain't round...
Drops off sharp at the edge of town.
Lucy, you know the world must be flat
'Cause when people leave town, they never come back.'
They go ninety miles an hour to the city limits sign
Put the pedal to the metal 'fore they change their mind.
They howl at the moon, shoot out the light
It's a small town Saturday night."
Small Town Saturday Night ~Hal Ketchum

4.) How do you look?
"Your looks are laughable; Unphotographable;
Yet, you're my favorite work of art.
Is your figure - less than Greek?
Is your mouth - a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart? "
My Funny Valentine ~Constantine Maroulis

5.) What is love?
"We are young.
Heartache to heartache we stand.
No promises, no demands.
Love is a battlefield.
We are strong,
no one can tell us we're wrong.
Searchin' our hearts for so long.
Both of us knowing,
Love is a battlefield."
Love is a Battlefield ~Pat Benatar

6.) If you could say one thing to the person you love, what would it be?
"I was cryin’ when I met you,
Now I’m tryin’ to forget you.
Your love is sweet misery.
I was cryin’ just to get you,
Now I’m dyin’ ‘cause I let you
Do what you do to me."
Cryin’ ~Aerosmith

7.) What's your secret?
"I just want to feel safe in my own skin.
I just want to be happy again.
I just want to feel deep in my own world,
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened.
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin.
I just want to be happy again."
Honestly OK ~Dido

8.) Are you strong?
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Everybody's always talkin' 'bout who's on top.
(Rap:) Don't cross our path 'cause you're gonna get stomped.
We ain't gonna give anybody any slack.
(Rap:) And if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back,
and you know we're
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
(Rap:) Are you tough enough?
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
(Rap:) We're rough."
Hangin’ Tough ~New Kids on the Block

9.) Where do you wish you were right now?
"We've been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1.
California here we come
Right back where we started from.
Hustlers grab your guns,
Your shadow weighs a ton,
Driving down the 101.
California here we come,
Right back where we started from.
California!
Here we come!"
California ~Phantom Planet

10.) What do you think about your friends?
"What do I do when my love is away ?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you're on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends."
With a Little Help From My Friends ~The Beatles

11.) Any words of advice?
"Take your time... don’t live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you’ll find love,
And don’t forget son,
There is someone up above.

"And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won’t you do this for me, son, if you can?"
Simple Man ~Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Years go by so easily
That sometimes I forget.
Years go by and make me see
That there’s no time for my regrets."
Things I’ve Prayed For ~Eli

12.) What do you wish you were doing right now?
"Clock strikes upon the hour
And the sun begins to fade.
Still enough time to figure out
How to chase my blues away.
I've done alright up 'til now.
It's the light of day that shows me how,
And when the night falls loneliness calls.
Oh! Wanna dance with somebody.
I wanna feel the heat with somebody.
Yeah! Wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me."
I Wanna Dance With Somebody ~Whitney Houston

13.) What do you think about drugs?
"Last night I tried to leave,
Cried so much I could not believe.
She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago.
She went in the back to get high,
And I sat down on my couch and cried.
Yelling 'Oh mama, please help me.
Wont you hold my hand?' And...

"Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain.
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain.
Let her go.
Let her walk right out on me.
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be."
Let Her Cry ~Hootie and the Blowfish

14.) If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?
"She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya. And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me.
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty.
Well, don't just stand there, say nice things to me.
I've been cheated I've been wronged,
and you, you don't know me.
I can't change. I won't do anything at all.

"I wanna push you around, I will, I will.
I wanna push you down, I will, I will.
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will."
Push ~Matchbox 20

15.) What do you do on Friday nights?
"Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof.
After all the crushes are faded,
And all my wishful thinking was wrong,
I'm jaded. I hate it."
Love Song For No One ~John Mayer

16.) What would you do if you won a million dollars?
"Some was spent on gambling,
A lot was spent on women,
A little on some good Cabernet.
Three or Four divorces,
at least that many horses
who never left the starting gate.
Diamond rings and furs, swampland in New Jersey,
That week I spent a year in LA.
You know I hate to admit it, I threw the rest away."
I Threw the Rest Away ~Tracy Lawrence

"I’m dizzy from the shopping mall.
I searched for joy, but I bought it all.
It doesn’t help the hunger pain
And a thirst I’d have to drown first to ever satiate.
Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it.
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
At all."
Something’s Missing ~John Mayer

17.) How do you feel right now?
"Oh rainfalls and hard times coming
they won't leave me tonight.
I wish I knew what I was doing
Just to let this spirit survive.
Can't you hear me calling? (oh yeah)
I guess I couldn't live without the things
that made my life what it is.
Can't you hear me calling? (oh yeah)
Everybody's dancing. (oh yeah)
Tonight everything is over.
I feel too young."
Too Young ~Phoenix

18.) Are you for World Peace?
"Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can.
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man.
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m not the only one.
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one."
Imagine ~John Lennon

19.) Where were you born?
"Well I was born in a small town,
And I live in a small town.
Prob'ly die in a small town.
Oh, those small communities.

"All my friends are so small town.
My parents live in the same small town.
My job is so small town,
Provides little opportunity.

"Educated in a small town.
Taught the fear of Jesus in a small town.
Used to daydream in that small town.
Another boring romantic that's me."
Small Town ~John Mellencamp

20.) Any closing words?
"You got to know when to hold 'em;
know when to fold 'em.
Know when to walk away;
know when to run.
You never count your money
while you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin'
when the dealin's done."
The Gambler ~Kenny Rogers

"So I won't expect a postcard from Trafalgar Square, but I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't care."

My mom, Aaron and Nikki ran into Tony in Eau Claire last weekend at a sporting event. According to Mom, "he was really, really happy. You know, genuinely happy. Good old Tony." Aaron liked him, too. "I shook his hand," he said. Good old Tony came over and talked to them twice.

He never mentioned me.

Only John Mayer can ease my pain.
"3 years broken hearted,
But now her ghost is finally gone.
I'm done with broken people.
This is me I'm workin on."

*************************************************

The older lady at the CH library finally resigned, and the library board ok'd me as the replacement. So now I finally have hours there. I haven't had an actual shift there since I took over the CA director's hours in November while she was out sick. The only drawback to working at both libraries is that they are both going to new systems, and I have to learn and operate both.

Mother Nature is a bitch.

Kristen and I did not get to see Andrew Bird in concert. From the time we woke up Friday morning until long after we went to bed that night, it snowed and snowed and snowed.

The one day either of us wanted to go into town (she lives way out in the country), we couldn't because of a freak snow storm. Her dad's work was closed at mid-day, and apparently it never closes for any reason. The roads were really bad and visibility was about one-car length in front of you. There was a 3-car pile-up on the Wisconsin side of the bridge going into Duluth, and another one on the Minnesota side. And since Duluth is a city on a gigantic hill, we decided not to risk driving in that weather.

Saturday dawned sunny, with clear blue skies. Mother Nature is a bitch.

There were some other humorous stories to share, though. Kristen and I decided to split them so we could each tell a couple.

For example, driving into town on Saturday, we noticed someone walking along the road, heading in our direction. The person seemed to be waving. Slowly we began to notice a little old lady swinging a long stick or cane towards the traffic and a little dog running along in front of her. We thought perhaps she needed help. Maybe a car broke down or something. We slowed down considerably. She didn't even glance at us. Nope, she just continued hobbling along, wildly waving her stick at oncoming traffic.

We rented a couple of movies to watch Saturday evening, also. In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown. The first movie was excellent. I liked it a lot, and I'd read the book several years ago. They stayed pretty true to the book. But Elizabethtown. Ugh. So stinking strange. It was just weirdly bizarre. It's not like it you couldn't understand it, but you couldn't stop saying "Why? What is the purpose of this movie?" And then I jokingly told Kristen that it was probably about Scientology and we just didn't realize it. She laughed.
ME: Watch, at the end of the movie when the credits come up, it'll probably say, "Produced by Tom Cruise."
(We laugh.)
KRISTEN: *reaches over to look at the movie case* Now I gotta see who did produce it.
(pause) (She shrieks.)
ME: What?
KRISTEN: It is produced by Tom Cruise!
ME: Yeah, right.
KRISTEN: I'm serious!
ME: Yeah, right.
(she hands over the case. I look at it.)
ME: (reading) "Produced by Tom Cruise." No freaking way!!!
KRISTEN: That was creepy. How did you do that?
ME: I don't know, but now I feel dirty.

Then we discussed how dumb the movie was, despite having sexpot Orlando Bloom in a starring role. Nothing was ever explained about why things were they way they were in the movie. It was very disappointing. But we were like, "For a crappy movie, it sure had some awesome music in it." Then we noticed the movie was written and directed by Cameron Crowe. That explains the excellent music, but what the crap was he thinking writing such...crap?

We also went to Toys R Us, which was going out of business and had its remaining stock at 80% off. I don't know why the store was even still open, there was absolutely nothing left to even pick over. Just a bunch of gameboy gear (no gameboys) and Fantastic Four's The Thing costumes. I found one actual toy (besides a bin full of plush toy gift card holders that were kinda crappy). A 2-foot velvety Winnie the Pooh doll, regularly $30. I bought it for Jersey for only $6. Pretty sweet, huh?

At the Dollar Store, Kristen accused a teenage couple of searching for condoms.

When Kristen made me accompany her into Wal-Mart, I literally threw up in my mouth a little just before entering.

And when I got home Sunday night, it was like walking onto the set of While You Were Out. While I was away for the weekend, my grandpa laid down new linoleum flooring in the kitchen. It looks amazing. And he installed a new set of state-of-the-art washer and dryer. They look futuristic and I'm afraid I'll break them. But they're so freaking cool looking!

Since my life is boring and there is nothing new to say besides the fact that I just ordered two boxes of Girl Scout cookies and was scandalized by the prices, I am introducing a survey-type list that found its way into my life a couple of years ago. I kept it because it amused me. So enjoy. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I ordered Thin Mints and Peanut Butter cookies.

If I were a stone, I would be: useless
If I were a tree, I would be: a weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: a whipporwill (or however you spell it)
If I were a machine, I would be: a love machine *hahahaha*
If I were a tool, I would be: a screwdriver...you know what I'm talkin' about...
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: lilacs
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: stormy
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: (well, technically, if I were mythical, I wouldn't be anything at all, would I? but for the sake of survey...) a mermaid
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: John Mayer's guitar. Mmm...
If I were an animal, I would be: a Lhasa Apso
If I were a colour, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: melancholy
If I were a vegetable, I would be: unloved by children
If I were a sound, I would be: a sigh
If I were an Element, I would be: water
If I were a car, I would be: a luxury vehicle
If I were a song, I would be: a boy-band hit
If I were to trade places with another person: I wouldn't be me
If I were a movie, I would be: Bridget Jones' Diary
If I were a food, I would be: chicken, of course
If I were a place, I would be: a shady rest area
If I were a material, I would be: velvet
If I were a taste, I would be: sweet
If I were a religion, I would be: Christian
If I were an object, I would be: a book
If I were a word, I would be: longing
If I were a body part I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smirk
If I were a subject in school I would be: literature class
If I were a cartoon I would be: Belle from Beauty and the Beast because "There must be something more than this provincial life..."
If I were a shape I would be: one round mo-fo
If I were a number I would be: 22
If I were a month I would be: April....duh?
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday
If I were a time of day I would be: 11 p.m.
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: used often
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: Dorothy Parker
If I were a liquid I would be: raspberry iced tea
If I were a method of death I would be: a bottle of pills
If I were a planet I would be: not Uranus
If I were a book I would be: Catcher in the Rye
If I were a garment I would be: a blue zip-up hoodie
If I were shoes I would be: black and blue Sketchers with skulls and crossbones.

My real-life conversations:

At Sharon's house, we were talking about Logan, who works at the newspaper with her and also at the movie theater.
Me: Ooh, you should ask him if he can get me some movie posters!
Sharon: Okay. What movie would you like?
Me: I don't know. Not Brokeback Mountain.
Sharon: Why not?
Me: Uh, because I'm 27, single, and live with my grandparents. I seriously do not need that poster!

Amanda and I were watching VH1's "50 Greatest Teen Stars." Wilson Cruz, who played Ricky on "My So-Called Life," was being interviewed.
Manda: Oh! I love Ricky!
Me: Yeah. Me, too.
(pause)
Manda: So, is he gay in real life, too?
Me: Yup.
Manda: *sigh* I wish I was gay.

Still watching that show, but several minutes later, Christopher Atkins is being interviewed.
Manda: Who the heck is that guy?
Me: He was in Blue Lagoon.
Manda: He played the boy?
Me: *straight face* No.
Manda: Shut up.

Grandpa complaining about all my books. I had just bought a box of books for $1 at the library book sale.
Grandpa: What do you need all those for?
Me: I like books.
Grandpa: Well, you don't need to keep them, do ya?
Me: Yes. For my own personal library.
Grandpa: Why don't ya just read 'em and then throw 'em?
Me: Would you make Picasso sell his guitars?
Grandpa: Huh?
Me: Nothing.

Yesterday at my day-long library meeting, we were being trained by a bigger guy. He was nice enough, but a little dorky. After a couple of hours of lecture, he'd send us to computers to apply what we'd just learned. I was helping an older woman figure it all out when he came up behind me and asked how everything was going. I said fine, and he rubbed his hand down my back. *shudder* Anyway, later he and some other male librarian kept laughing about the nerdiest things, and at this time some obscure artist.
Training Guy: *laughing at some lame quip* Actually, I really prefer the pre-Raphaelite painters.
Me: (with sudden clarity) *muttering* No wonder he lovingly caressed my back.

Movie theater audience, I wish I knew how to quit you.

I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Aunt Barb and her friend Louann. It was an excellent film, and I'd like to see it again. I recently read the short story that the movie is based on, and it follows it pretty closely. There were only a few things that bothered me. Ahem.

~When I went back to the concession stand to get my aunt some Milk Duds, the girl working there started talking to me about the movie.
Girl: My friend went to see it and she said the sex scenes were really rough.
Me: Er...okay...
Girl: But I had to go in yesterday while I was working because someone complained about the screen being blurry, and it really wasn't that bad. You don't actually see anything.
Me: Um, okay then. That's good. ha ha.
Girl: And, like, if you have an open mind about gay stuff, you'll really love this movie.
Me: Well, okay. *backing away* I read the story, so I know what it's about.
(Before I can leave, another worker comes up.)
Girl 2: I loved Brokeback Mountain! It made me cry. *she fake sniffles*
Me: Well, I know what it's about, so I'll just...go watch it, then...
Girl 2: I mean, it was really sad and...
Me: Okay, like I said. I know what it's about. Thanks. *walk quickly away with the Milk Duds*

~Anne Hathaway showed her breasts. I own The Princess Diaries, for crying out loud. Shocking, indeed. I guess she won't be making any more Disney movies.

~My aunt and her friend giggled through several love scenes. But they bought me lunch and popcorn, so I can't really complain. :)

~I was disturbed by the large number of elderly people in attendance. As if watching gay love scenes wasn't awkward enough.

~Directly behind me, and I do mean directly, sat my grandfather's sister. Yes, my great-aunt Olive was not only watching Brokeback Mountain, but she sat behind me. Out of all the seats in the theater! And for the last 15 minutes of the movie, she constantly coughed, so I could barely hear what was going on. *sigh*

But I would definitely watch the movie again. It was very well done. I don't want to say anymore in case some of you may go to see it. If only I had a private viewing room so I wouldn't have to deal with other people.

I feel ill.

You'll probably want to give me advice, right? Tell me that I should take (insert brand name here) medicine, get some sleep, take it easy. Tell me stories of when you were so sick, you couldn't even get out of bed.

No. You don't understand. I haven't caught a bug. I'm not sick. I feel ill, like the kind of ill when you walk in on your brother in the bathroom. *shudder*

Okay, so I've been crushing on John Krasinski, right? From The Office? And I was excited because he was on the Tonight Show Thursday night. He came out for his little interview, and Jay says to him, "Oh, you're a Massachusetts boy, right?" And John says yes.

So I get all super-duper happy like a preadolescent girl with her first issue of Teen Beat magazine because for some reason, I've always loved anything to do with MA. And, let's face it, John Krasinski is hot.

Anyway. Then John says, "I'm from Newton."

My heart stops.

Newton friggin' Massachusetts????

Why? Of all the towns in that state, why there?

Folks, my biological father is from none other than Newton, MA. I've never been there because he is not a part of my life. Also not a part of my life: any possible siblings or other family members on my dad's side.

So here I am, lusting after a boy who could quite possibly turn out to be a cousin or something! Ew. Gross out, people.

And then all I could think about after that was, what might have been? If my father had owned up to his responsibilities like a man, what might my life be like right now? If I'd gone to better schools, lived a different lifestyle, had less dysfunction to deal with... What opportunities did I miss out on? What might have been?

I'm not wholly unsatisfied with my life now, of course. I love my family and friends. But it would certainly be ideal to know that I'm not lusting after a long-lost relative.

Update

I just wanted to write a quick note to tell everyone about Nikki.

First of all, I am humbled by all of your care and concern. Several of you I have never met in my life, yet you took the time to pray for my family and show support. That is so awesome.

Most important, Nikki and the baby are doing fine. Apparently the equipment at the first clinic wasn't as advanced or updated as at a regular hospital. So when the woman couldn't find a heartbeat, she immediately sent Nikki to a hospital for tests.

At the hospital, the doctor found the baby's heartbeat instantly. The ultrasound showed the baby moving around, and Nikki got to keep two pictures. She's very happy and relieved, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

They're not sure why she was bleeding, but there wasn't any tissue along with it (sorry if that grossed anyone out), so it was okay. The doctor apparently thinks that the placenta hasn't dropped fully into its correct space, but he's hopeful that it will eventually. As of now, Nikki is limited to light duty at work and staying off of her feet.

Sorry to scare anyone. But I was scared, too. Our family is very happy and relieved to know that everything is okay. I hope we don't have any other scares like this again.

Again, thanks to every one of you who were so caring and kind. I appreciate it more than you could know.

Verily I say unto thee....hubba, hubba

Oh, Legolas.

You're like a Middle-earth rock star, yet your worth is greatly under valued.

With your sweetly boyish good looks and flowing blond locks, one may fail to appreciate your true worth.

The quickness of your bow and arrow. The speed of your elvish feet. Your undying and fierce loyalty--nay, devotion--to the fellowship of the ring.

Sure, some may worship the obvious hero, the rugged, sexy Aragorn. One true king and all that. Oh, I see the allure, what with his mussed hair and delectable whiskers. But you, you are the wind beneath his wings.

But as The Fellowship of the Ring comes to an end, my second book of 2006, know that I will see you many a time in my dreams yet to come.

And as the death toll rises when you slay orc after dirty orc, know that this girl's heart melts for you like a hobbit in heat.

Smite on, Legolas. Smite on.